Fertility has been on my mind a lot as of lately.  Tomorrow’s my 34^th (eek!) birthday, so in addition to thinking about how I am yet another year older, I’ve also been thinking about the all that goes with getting older as a woman:  biological clock ticking, eggs drying up, fertility significantly declining, etc….you know, the things any single woman in her mid-30s would worry about.

Now throw into the mix the fact that I had to go through chemo, a treatment that runs the risk of causing infertility, and the fact that I can’t even consider getting pregnant until I’ve been on my tamoxifen pills for at least two years (which will be June 2013, a month after my 35^th birthday ) and hopefully you can begin to relate to the angst I’ve been having.

With all of these crazy thoughts running through my mind, I thought it would be a good idea to schedule a check-up with Dr. Crane, the fertility specialist I saw prior to my chemo starting in September ’09.  I talked in older blog about how freezing eggs wasn’t the right procedure for me at the time my chemo was beginning.  I instead went with a less invasive approach, the depot lupron shot.

The depot lupron shot (or lupron depot as it can also be referenced…to-mato – ta-mato) is a “hormonal agent that significantly reduces estrogen levels…the resulting drop in estrogen causes women to experience menopause-like side effects.”  Simply put, the depot lupron shots put my ovaries “to sleep”, so while the chemo drugs were circulating through my body, my ovaries remained untouched.  Aside from the AWFUL hot flashes that the shots caused, they were essentially painless.  And I didn’t have a period for a good 6 months, which was an added bonus!

I stopped receiving the depot lupron shots in November ’09, and have continuously wondered what state my ovaries would return to once the shots wore off.  Would my ovaries produce viable eggs like they should, or was chemo, even with the shots, too much for them to handle.  Instead of continuing to worry about the situation, I got on Dr. Crane’s calendar last week to get his professional opinion of the situation.

After a rather invasive ultrasound, I’m happy to report that my ovaries appear to producing eggs just as they should be…..for a woman my age of course.  Yes, success!!  Dr. Crane had a good outlook on my fertility, which made me very happy.  I’m still waiting the results of my AMH blood test, a test that is supposed to determine the size of your remaining egg supply….but for the time being, I’m going to bask in the glory of having egg producing ovaries.  I’m not going to claim I’m a fertile myrtle now, but it’s at least still possible…which is all I was ever hoping for

Photos from 73 weeks post chemo are below…..

…seems to be the story of my life right now.  It’s become a daily, sometimes hourly, struggle to find a comfortable body temperature.  So much so that I frequently find myself looking around a room and wondering “is it hot in here, or is it just me?”.  The culprit…..hot flashes.

My hot flashes have unfortunately come back with a vengeance as of lately.  If you remember back to last summer / fall, I had was about 2 months into taking tamoxifen when I was really struggling with hot flashes as a result of the change in my hormones.  After talking with my doctor, we came up with a reasonable compromise.  I would continue taking my tamoxifen…despite my every desire to quit…and he would allow me to lower my dosage.  

I started out at 10mg every other day back in September.   It’s taken me almost 7 months, but I’m officially back up to the recommended dosage of 20mg every day.  It’s been about 4 weeks and I’m definitely feeling the effects of the devil drug screwing with my hormones.

There’s about a 0.2 degree range that I’m actually comfortable in right now.  The hot flashes come on in waves so strong that I break out in a sweat in a matter of 10 seconds.  Fortunately, they seem to be more intense throughout the course of the night in the privacy of my own home.  Unfortunately, that means I’m waking up with sweat dripping down my back, legs, boobs, etc about 6 times a night….and it’s every bit as disgusting as it sounds.

I’ve always been a “hot” girl.  Life pre chemo and tamoxifen still involved a personal struggle with finding a comfortable temperature zone, it was just a fraction of the size of an issue as it is now.  Not only are the hot flashes frustrating, they’re also embarrassing at times. Welcome to my life….

In talking to a few co-workers last week, I had a hot flash come on so strongly that I almost passed out.  I had to brace myself on a filing cabinet for fear of falling over because I was so light-headed.  And for a few seconds, I thought there was a very good chance my poor co-workers were going to get a front row seat to the remnants of last night’s dinner vomited all over the carpet.  And I haven’t even touched on the sweating yet.  After regaining my balance, I had to excuse myself to go get a fresh change of clothes, because I had sweat dripping down every inch of my body.  Ok, maybe a slight exaggeration, but you get the point. 

I was at least wearing dark clothing so any noticeable sweat was concealed…which unfortunately is not always the case.  I was being interviewed (for something I’ll talk about in one of my next few blogs) recently and literally had to put the interview on hold because I was having such a bad hot flash that I started to sweat through my shirt.  The camera man asked if I had gotten something on my shirt to which I replied and let him know it was just boob sweat as a result of an untimely hot flash.  Talk about humiliating.

I’m hopeful as my body adjusts to the increased dosage, the hot flashes will subside a little.  I’m not naïve enough to think that they’ll go away entirely, but would definitely welcome a slight reprieve.

Photos from 71 weeks post chemo are below…you can see my attempts at actually styling my hair

Pigs must be flying somewhere because I caught myself saying something recently that I haven’t said in about 18 months…..I love my hair!!!

It’s been a love-hate relationship with my hair for so long now, so it came as quite a shock to say that 4 word statement.  Love because well, I’m just happy to have hair at this point.  And hate because growing hair back from bald is a painfully slow process.  The sadness that goes along with losing my hair is still very fresh in my mind sometimes, and there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss the long hair I once had.  And not that I need to remind you, but losing your hair is TOUGH process to recover from!

So what prompted this new found admiration for my hair?  Well, I had my hair styled by a professional and, oh my goodness, what a difference that made!  I’m happy to say that the No Country for Old Men Look (thanks to my brother for pointing that comparison out) I once had has finally grown out.

The similarity is a little creepy!!  Thankfully, I learned some new tricks to take away some of the issues with frizziness that I’ve been dealing with lately, and more importantly, she taught me some ways to give my hair a little more shape and style than the wash and go method I’ve been using the last year has provided me with.  And that shape and style actually makes me look like a girl!!

I took some photos of my hair in the “I love it!” state because 1) well that’s what I do these days….take pictures of my hair, 2) if I want any chance of replicating it on my own, I would need some visual guidance, and 3) if I’m never successful at making my hair look like this ever again, I want to have proof that I actually had a good hair day!!

You may look at those pictures and not really notice a change, but I think it’s drastic and I really do love it….which is I guess all that matters right?!  I’ve attempted the new styling technique (which essentially just involves using a curling iron to flatten out and loosen up some of my chemo curls) the last 2 mornings now…and while it’s not nearly as good of a finished product as the pictures above, it still makes me feel better

It seems silly, but something as insignificant as getting my hair styled a certain way enabled me to do something that I haven’t been able to do in the last 15 months……it helped me to finally embrace and accept my short hair. Not like I really had a choice before in the matter….but I’m more comfortable and confident with it now.   And further evidence that I’ve embraced the short hair, I took down my old school facebook profile picture where I still had long hair, and replaced it with a more recent photo of me and my short hair.  I’m no longer clinging to the hair I once had….huge step in my personal opinion!

OH, and I almost forgot.  You may have noticed in my photos, or you may have not, but regardless….I had my hair highlighted for the first time since chemo!  Nothing too drastic, just lightened it slightly…enough to make me feel like my old self

Photos from 69 weeks post chemo are below (caveat:  I hadn’t attempted my new styling techniques yet, so stay tuned for the next set of photos to see how I actually do on my own)

Friday, February 25^th marked a full year of remission.  I’m sure some people consider themselves to be in remission as soon as they have surgery and the cancer is removed from their body…but to me, remission started as soon as my last cancer treatment ended…which was Friday, February 25^th, 2011 at approximately 4:30pm.  I celebrated by immediately getting on a flight out to Denver, CO to visit my brother and go on a ski trip with my family.

A lot of people probably wander what a first year of remission looks like.  Does it involve a complete overhaul of your life (i.e. food, exercise regimen, etc.)?  Does it include a period of personal and spiritual reflection?  Does it include a period of letting loose and living life a little more on the wild side?  For me personally, I think you could say it was probably all of the above…to some level.

The last year has been one of the absolute best years of my life….full of so many good memories that I’ll cherish forever.  Don’t get me wrong, I struggled at times dealing with the aftermath of cancer and all of the internal questioning that goes along with that, but the good definitely out-weighed the bad…100 times over!

So what exactly does a year of remission look like…..

March 2011:  I spent two weeks in Denver, CO visiting my brother and Beth.  My parents flew out and we made a long weekend trip to Breckenridge to get a few days of skiing in.  My finger nails officially started falling out, but on the flip side, my hair was finally starting to fill in a little.  And after discovering that my ski pants fit more like spandex, I decided I really needed to start getting myself back into shape.

April 2011:  I picked up my first bottle of Tamoxifen.  I emphasize the “picked up” because that was all I truly did in April.  I didn’t actually start taking the pills until a few months later.  April also marked a change in my attitude for the better.  March was a rough month and I really was feeling sorry for myself.  But as the saying goes…“time heals all wounds”…and in this situation, that was definitely the case.

May 2011:  Aside from entering my 33^rd year of life and trying out various new hair products and supplements, I made my catwalk debut at the 24 Hours of Booty “Jeans and Jewels” charity event.  It was a lot of fun, and a great way to help raise money for a fantastic organization.  May also brought my 6 month mark of finishing chemo!!!

June 2011:  Here’s where the “letting loose and living life on the wild side” from above comes into play.  I went to Las Vegas for a long weekend with some of my best girlfriends for a celebratory trip of kicking cancer in donkey’s butt.  It was such a good trip…and I can’t wait for VC take 2 this summer!  I finally starting taking my Tamoxifen pills (for the first time) and I passed the one year mark of my cancer diagnosis.

July 2011:  Huge milestone in that I finally stopped wearing my wigs!  What a great day that was…to finally be free of the stress of wearing a wig (will it fall off?  can people tell?).  I put those things on their Styrofoam heads and never looked back!  July also was the turning point where I started running consistently.  I had a fantastic new running partner who pushed me and kept me motivated.  I participated in a little challenge with some work people in conjunction with the Tour de France, and 100 miles over the course of the month!

August 2011:  August was definitely a euphoric month and endorphins were running high!  I was at a very happy place in my life and was feeling very grateful for the blessings I had….including my curly hair.  I decided I was ready to knock something off my bucket list, and officially committed to running a marathon!  And I’m embarrassed to admit that August also brought my defeat to Tamoxifen.  I was having such terrible side effects at this point, that I stopped taking it until I have another consultation with my oncologist.

September 2011:  I took my first ever back-country camping trip and fortunately made it back alive!  The whole experience was a lot of fun (probably because of the great company) and I’d actually consider going again.  I also had my first post chemo haircut this month.  I thought I would panic and totally freak out on the chair, but I got through sans an emotional breakdown.

October 2011:  Hall of Fame month!  I was up in Michigan for a long weekend for my Hall of Fame induction…and gave what is destined to become one of the best acceptance speeches of all time :)  And I FINALLY started taking my Tamoxifen pills again.

November 2011:  November marked a full year of having completed chemo.  I celebrated by running the Thunder Road half marathon…and meeting my goal of breaking 1:50:00 by finishing at 1:49:43!!  A time that was good enough to qualify me for a starting corral in the upcoming 2012 Chicago Marathon

December 2011:  Definitely a bittersweet month.  After months of training, I completed my very first marathon.  It felt great to do something I’d thought about for so many years, but was always afraid to commit to…and I’m actually looking forward to me next one!  And in less than happy news, after an incredibly tough year, my sweet friend Keasha lost her battle with lung cancer

January 2012:  I started what was only meant to be a week or two hiatus from running and unfortunately lasted MUCH longer (something I’m hating myself for now as I’m trying to get back into running shape).  I’d been running so much in preparation for my marathon…and really needed a break from it.  My hair was finally long enough to retire my beloved headbands.  Those things were a staple in my hair routine for a solid 5 months.  I finally took the plunge and donated all of my wigs to charity.  Fingers crossed I’ll never need them again!!  January also marked my first ski trip of 2012!  I spent 3 days skiing out in Park City, UT and had an awesome time!!

February 2012:  February was the worst month to date since I started my blog….I only made one measly post.  I can’t think of a single reason why, other than life’s just been busy!  I spent a weekend in the mountains of North Caroline, was in NYC for a bachelorette party, and then spent a week skiing in Crested Butte.  Not a lot of time left to blog when you’re out living life and having fun!!

And if you want to actually see what a year looks like….check out the video montage I made below:

My Hair Journey — One Year of Remission

Phew, recapping all of that makes me realize how fortunate and blessed I really am.  I have so much to be thankful for, and not a day goes by that I don’t remember that.

The weekly photos are going to start coming on a bi-weekly basis from now on.  Much to my dismay, my hair is not growing fast enough to actually see a difference from week to week anymore

Photos from 67 weeks post chemo are below…

A few months ago I talked about wanting to find a place to donate all of my wigs.  Given that I’ve been wig free for 8 months now, I figured it was time to officially cut the cord and give away my beloved wigs. 

It was a rough few first weeks, but I eventually came to love my wigs.  I primarily wore the one on left in the photo above, Upstage by Raquel Welch.  After I had it trimmed a few inches, it was perfect.  It looked incredibly life like, so much so that I used to get compliments on how cute my “hair cut” was all the time.

I bought a second wig, Scene Stealer by Raquel Welch, because I missed my long hair so much.  Little did I know, a long haired wig was nearly impossible to keep tangle free.  The hair turned into a rat’s nest within a few minutes of walking around with it on.  As a result, I’m pretty sure I wore that wig less than 5 times.  As much as I wanted to have long hair again, the thought of having to brush it out every few minutes wasn’t feasible.

And finally, my third wig, which I have no idea who the manufacturer was, was a purchase made out of desperation.  I realized 5 hours into my drive home to Michigan for the holidays last year that I forgot to pack my wig.  I was incredibly self-conscience of all my family seeing me without hair, so not having a wig to wear for the week I was home wasn’t going to work. 

I found a random beauty parlor that sold wigs and purchased the cutest thing I could find.  The hair style of the wig was cute, but the quality of the hair itself was really low.  I felt extremely self-conscience wearing that thing and only ended up wearing it once I think the entire time I was home.  Upon returning to Charlotte, the wig went on its styrofoam head where it sat for the last year.  I unfortunately don’t have any photos wearing that wig, but it’s the one of the right side of the picture at the top.

Upon returning to Charlotte after spending the holidays back in Michigan, I finally got around to packing up all my wigs and wig accessories and made the trek over to the Buddy Kemp Cancer Support Center.  This is an organization in Charlotte that loans wigs and other support services to cancer patients free of charge.  They have a lending boutique which is open to all cancer patients to go to and borrow hats, scarves, wigs, etc.  I spent so much money on my wigs (thank goodness for healthcare flexible spending accounts!!), it was important to me that other’s would be able to use them without having to spend another dime on them.

I’ve had a few people ask how it felt to donate them….and honestly, it was a little scary.  I pray every day that I’ll never find myself in the position again where I would need my wigs, but know that there is always a possibility (regardless of all of my past and present treatments) of my cancer returning.  At times, I feel like maybe I’m tempting fate by getting rid of them so quickly.  While from an outsider perspective it may seem like I stopped wearing a wig a long time ago, it still feels pretty new in my mind.  The only thing that helps bring me peace about the whole situation is that instead of sitting on a shoe rack in my bedroom, my wigs are out there bringing hopefully as much self-confidence and happiness to someone else as they brought to me.

——–

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this in a previous blog or not, more so out of embarrassment and not wanting to draw attention to the situation…..but the puberty-esque acne that’s been wreaking havoc on my face (primarily my chin area) as a result of the tamoxifen finally got to the point where I needed to seek professional help.  I had an appointment with a dermatologist last Monday.

The dermatologist didn’t really tell me anything I don’t already know….when you mess with your hormones, your face is going to suffer….but she was able to prescribe me a few topical gels.

I’ve been using the new gels….religiously….for the last week and a half and (knock on wood) I think they are actually working.  I definitely notice a difference on my face and am cautiously optimistic that I’m finally starting to get the situation under control.  I’d like to thank all of my friends and Andrew for helping me maintain my self esteem the last few months by pretending like they don’t notice it.  I’m a lucky girl and I appreciate the kindness

And because I’ve been such a slacker (I know I sound like a broken record), I actually had another haircut since I wrote about in my last blog……waaaaaaaaay back when almost a month ago :(  I was getting ready for work about two weeks ago and it become abundantly clear to me I was on the verge of having another mullet again.  The back and sides are growing so quickly….and unfortunately the top is continuing to grow at a much slower pace.

So I scheduled an appointment and got, I’m guessing, around 2 ½ – 3 inches cut off the bottom of my hair.  As much as I hate cutting off the hair I’ve been so desperate to grow back, I know it was necessary.  I’m getting closer and closer to a normal hair style as the weeks go by!!  I think the cut is a pretty noticeable difference between to the two side shots below….wouldn’t you agree??

Photos from 62 and 64 weeks post chemo are below…..

My hair had finally grown enough to warrant a second post cancer haircut right before the holidays.  Between the all over puffiness and post chemo frizz, a trim and shapeup was definitely needed.  Some people may wonder what I mean by post chemo frizz, so I’ll explain it to you.

When your hair first starts growing back after chemo, it is incredibly fine and soft…and is very similar in feel to the end of a q-tip or cotton ball.  As the hair continues to grow and fill in, it progressively becomes thicker and resembles normal hair…well as normal as a Ronald MacDonald afro can look.  If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if I permed my hair, I’d be a rich woman.  It’s beyond me why anyone would think that I’d electively make the decision to give myself an 80s style perm.  Seriously people!  Anyways, what you’re left with is about a ½ inch of super fine, super frizzy (and in my case, super blond) hair at the end of each strand…what I like to refer to as post chemo frizz.

My hair stylist talked me into letting him blow dry my hair straight prior to my cut so 1) we could see what it looks like and how long it actually is and 2) he could give me a more accurate cut and shape.  Apparently cutting curly hair can be challenging. 

I was very apprehensive about the whole blow drying idea for several reasons.  The first, because as silly as it may seem, I was concerned that if I blew out and straightened my hair with a flat iron, the curls would never recover and be the same.  I know I complain and crack jokes about my curls on a regular basis, but they at least look cute….ish.  Or so I’m told.  I’m hoping you all haven’t been lying to my face the last 6 months :) 

The second reason really goes hand in hand with the first….I was scared to death to see what my hair actually looked like straight right now.  If it was awful and I lost all my curl because of a premature blow out, I’d never forgive myself.  I‘ve thought about and wandered (A LOT) what exactly my hair would look like if I blew it dry.  I always assumed it would look terrible because of all the different lengths and the top still being pretty short.  I will admit that there was a little glimmer of hope secretly hidden away that when I actually pulled the trigger on straightening out my hair, the end result would be fabulous. 

Well, that couldn’t have been further from the truth.  The end result was every bit as awful as I was anticipating :(  Exhibit A is below.

I can’t believe I’m actually sharing that photo.  It’s so embarrassing and I cringe every time I look at it.  I look like some sort of she-man.  Needless to say, after a few “it doesn’t look that bad comments”, I immediately got in the shower and washed the straightness out.  Fortunately, my curls returned to their previous state without any issues.  Crisis averted.

I’ve always been emotional about my hair and am not afraid to admit that I’ve cried on occasion because of a bad cut.  But this takes the cake and will go down in history as the worst haircut ever!!

Because my hair is getting longer, I’ve officially retired my beloved headbands.  They don’t really work well with the length of my hair.  As much as I miss them (because I thought they were a cute accessory), my ears love me for it.  If you’ve ever worn a headband for an extended period of time, you know what I’m talking about.  While great at keeping your hair out of your face, they tend to dig in your head right behind your ears and cause a dull, aching pain.  Something I’d pretty much grown accustomed to over the last 6 months.  Not having to deal with that anymore has been incredible!!

In lieu of my headbands, I’ve started pinning the front section of my hair over to the side with a bobby pin or decorative barrette….which you’ll see in my recent photos.  I think it still makes my hair look decent, and gets the job done for the time being.  I literally dream about the day when I’ll be able to pull my hair into a pony tail again!

I haven’t kicked off the New Year very well from a blogging perspective.  I’m not exactly sure why that is…but have a sneaking suspicion that it’s because I’m a little angry at 2012 right now.  I was looking forward to a fresh start to the new year full of joy and excitement…and I feel like all I’m surrounded by lately is the hurting and sorrow of others starting with the passing of my friend Keasha and ending most recently with the passing of a 2 year old little girl who’s mother works at our local YMCA.  I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it, cancer is an awful disease and we need to find a cure for it….ASAP.

In doing my own part to make that happen, I signed up to participate in a local charity event this July called 24 Hours of Booty.  If you remember (or don’t), I talked about this event in my blog last year.  24 HOB is a cycling event that raises money for national and local cancer initiatives and takes place on Charlotte’s infamous “booty” loop, a 2.9 mile loop around some of the prettiest streets and homes in town.  I’m sure I’ll be soliciting all of you for a donation over the course of the next 6 months to help me achieve my fundraising goal.  Be prepared!!

And that’s all I really have for today….photos from 61 weeks post chemo are below…..

Tuesday, December 27^th, my friend Keasha lost her battle to lung cancer….one month to the day after her wedding, and not quite a full year after her diagnosis.  New Year’s Eve we all headed to Williamston, SC to say goodbye to our sweet friend

I wrote a few posts ago (here) about how special of an experience her wedding was…. a beautiful day, and so fitting for my beautiful friend.  It was single handedly the greatest display of true love that I’ve ever witnessed…and I feel so honored and thankful that I was able to attend such a touching event.

I’ll never understand why I was given a second chance at life, and Keasha and so many others who’ve lost their battles with cancer were not….because if anyone deserves one, it was Keasha.  She fought her battle courageously and with a positive outlook, while I often retreated to a corner and felt sorry for myself.

I remember talking to Keasha in the beginning stages of her diagnosis and treatment…comparing notes about chemo, radiation, and all of the awful side effects.  Some women bond over pregnancy….Keasha and I bonded over cancer.  It’s still so hard to believe that she’s gone.

Keasha, one of the very first people to email me after my own diagnosis…

“Bills this is Keasha. I’m sure you have been bombarded with messages, but I want you to know that I think you are a wonderful woman and my prayers are sent up for you. I know you will be fine and that right now it’s tough. I don’t want to sound too churchy but God has sent you angels & it’s your friends and family. You need anything from me I am here…even in HOTlanta. I love you girl and stay strong. Your friend Keasha.”

Keasha, who even in her last days, found the strength to text message me after my marathon….

“Congrats on race yesterday.  U r amazing.”

Her funeral was truly a celebration of life.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a very tough day to see someone so young and full of life taken in such a short amount of time….but it was equally as uplifting to see the number of lives that she touched and impacted before her passing.  After hearing all of the kind words, funny stories, and emotional memories that were shared during the service, one thing was evident….Keasha loved life, and lived every day to its fullest.  Said best by her husband….

“Not just an inspiration, but a light, and a force that led the way with a beautiful, sweet smile and bright shining eyes that both belied the pure steel of her strength and determination.

Strong is too pale, too shallow and too small of a word to describe Keasha’s vibrancy… Quite simply, she was ferocious. She fiercely held onto life, and love with a forcefulness that was absolutely awe-inspiring and completely breathtaking. Rest in peace, Mrs. Draft.”

In honor of my friend, I can’t think of a better new year’s resolution for 2012….”love life and live every day to its fullest.”  She is, and will always be, a reminder of how precious life truly is.

RIP KRD

Photos from 57 weeks post chemo are below…

And now photos from 59 weeks post chemo…

This past weekend was my big trip to Kiawah, SC for the Kiawah Island Golf Resort Marathon.  I’d never been to Kiawah before and, like I’ve been talking about for the past few months, I’ve never run a marathon before….so I was pretty excited about the weekend!

Despite the race not being until Saturday morning, we headed down to Kiawah on Thursday to have plenty of time to get sufficiently nervous relax before the big day.  We had a nice dinner, took our time picking up our race bibs, and even spent a little time reading on the beach. 

I joke about it, but I really couldn’t believe how nervous I was for the marathon.  I’ve been in a lot of competitive situations before…not that I’m claiming to be a competitive runner, but a race IS a competition…and I’m pretty sure this was by far the most nervous I’d been in a really long time.  Well….it’s probably an incredibly close tie with my hall of fame speech…I hate public speaking!

Even with the nerves, I managed to get a good night’s sleep on Friday and woke up feeling really refreshed Saturday morning.  I took a quick shower, managed to get my hair looking presentable, and put on a little make-up.  A lot of people may question why I’d go through the effort of “getting ready” to only go and sweat it off a few hours later…but it made me feel good.  And like I said in last week’s blog, who knows if I’ll ever do a second marathon, so I want to make sure the photos from the first look good!

I arrived at the start line…feeling and looking good….about 30 minutes before the race started.  Plenty of time for my stomach to continue to turn into knots.  I placed myself at the very end of the 7 minute per mile pace group / very beginning of the 8 minute per mile pace group.  I made the mistake at my half marathon of starting in a pace group that was well beyond my capabilities and went out way too fast.  As a result, I hit the proverbial wall at mile 10 and almost self imploded.  I was very cautious not to do that in my marathon…toughing it out for another 3.1 miles is doable, toughing it out for another 16.2 miles is a different story.

With that in mind, my goal was to stay right around an 8-8:15 minute pace for as many miles as possible, no quicker.  For fear of my ipod not lasting the entire race, I didn’t start it up until the national anthem started to play.  Hindsight, I should have done this much sooner…10 minutes is not going to make or break the battery life.  My ipod immediately goes into shuffle mode, and I can’t figure out how to get my marathon play list.

Side note, I spent multiple hours on Wednesday evening creating the mother of all play lists.  Every song I have ever loved, new and old, was included.  I had 4.8 hours of quality listening entertainment lined up to help get me through which was sure to be a tough final 2 hours.

As luck and poor planning would have it, my awesome playlist never saw the light of day :(  The gun went off as I’m still fiddling with my ipod.  The pack starts running.  Approximately 100 yards into the race, I drop my ipod.  HUGE mistake in a pack of runners who’ve just taken off the start line.  For a brief second I contemplated just leaving it, but the thought of not having music for the next 4 hours was terrifying.  Music is the only thing that gets me through my challenging runs….and 26.2 miles was definitely going to be a challenged.  I had to back track 10 feet to bend down and pick it up.  Between dodging runners and various “watch out” comments, I felt like a fish swimming upstream.  Not the ideal way to start a race, but I was off and running…

Mile 1:  despite the ipod snafu, I felt good.  I spent a lot of time dodging and maneuvering around other runners, but it forced me to keep my pace.

Miles 2 – 7:  still feeling good.  Continuing on at my pace and on target to break 4 hours.

Mile 8:  I stop and walk for the first time through the water station in order to take my gu.

Mile 9:  completely forgettable.  I can’t remember one single thing about mile 9…guess I was in the zone.

Mile 10:  my left hip starts to hurt.  Not a big deal though, I was definitely prepared for this.  My hips hurt during pretty much every one of my long runs.  I was just thankful it didn’t start hurting until now.

Miles 11 &12:  my legs are starting to get a little tired, but I’m feeling okay still.  The Kiawah marathon is also a half marathon race.  The course is a 13.1 loop, so if you’re doing the full marathon, you do the same loop twice.  It was at about this point where I really started noticing the 23, 24, and 25 mile marker signs as I was passing them.  Very discouraging from a mental standpoint.  It’s hard to put into words the feeling of running by the 25 mile marker sign, and knowing you still have another 13 miles before you’ll see it again, when you’re actually at mile 25.

Mile 13:  I turn right to start my second 13 mile loop and secretly curse all the half marathon runners who are turning left to run the last .1 mile to the finish line.

Mile 14:  I stop and walk for the second time through the water station to take another gu.

Mile 15:  My stomach starts to get a little queasy…I think from too much sugar.  Gu’s are full of sugar and can be tough on an essentially empty stomach.

Mile 16:  My hips are really hurting now and I’m fighting off that watery sensation under your tongue when you’re going to get sick.

Mile 17:  My body is really starting to hurt now….which coincidentally takes my mind off of my upset stomach.

Mile 18:  I’m pretty much miserable at this point.  I start walking .05 – .1 miles at the top of each mile marker sign.

Mile 19:  after 19 consecutive miles of skipping through songs on my ipod, I’m still cursing myself for not knowing how to access my play list.

Mile 20:  despite the pain in my legs and hips, I hit mile 20 right around 3 hours and I’m still on track to break 4 hours.

Mile 21:  I thought I was miserable at mile 18, I’m truly miserable now.  The thought of running 5 more miles is more then I can take and I’m feeling incredibly sorry for myself.   I think I shed a tear or two.

Mile 22:  Why did I think this was a good idea again??  I crack a joke to that tune to a fellow runner as he passes me….he laughs, which makes me feel a little better.  Still on track for 4 hours.

Mile 23:  And there goes my 4 hour goal.   I literally feel like I can’t run another step, let alone 3 miles.  I walked a good portion of mile 23 because well I felt like hell.  My hips were killing.  My hamstrings were so tight I felt like they were going to snap.  I was incredibly thirsty and had to fight off the urge to slam 4 glasses water as I walked through the aide station.  At this point, all I want to do is finish.

Mile 24:  because my “good idea” joke went over so well the first time, I try it again on a second runner.  Not as funny the second time around.

Mile 25:  the end is finally in sight.  I took my last gu about 2 miles before, and it started to kick in.  I get my last burst of energy…not enough to make up the time I lost in miles 23 and 24, but enough to feel like finishing the race is actually going to happen.

Mile 26:  I can’t begin to describe how I felt when I saw the 26 mile marker sign.  I was finally making the turn that so many runners before me had made to head towards the finish line.  Best feeling in the world doesn’t even come close to capturing it.

At that point, I literally had to left turns to make until I was done.  The last .2 miles were fortunately lined with spectators cheering you on to the finish.  I think I had a little kick at the end…or at least did my best to try to not look too pathetic running past all of the spectators and far superior runners who finished before me.

Somehow…I still can’t believe it now…but somehow I managed to finish.  I didn’t achieve my goal of breaking 4 hours, but I did come pretty close.  I finished at 4:05:39.  23^rd of 52 women in my age group, and 363^rd of 814 marathon runners overall.  Not too shabby for a first-timer who just a year ago was fighting cancer, 20 pounds overweight, completely out of shape, and couldn’t run a mile to save her life.

Running a marathon was something I’ve talked about wanting to do for the longest time.  It was one of those hypothetical goals that always sounded like a good idea, but I lacked the commitment and drive to actually make it happen.  But not anymore baby!!  I’m officially a marathon runner and can proudly display the coveted 26.2 mile sticker on my car!!

I was very sore the first hour after the race…my shoulders, my feet, my legs, my knees, my hips, my entire body essentially….but I was able to walk without too much of an issue, which wasn’t the case for some of my fellow runners. 

We went back to the condo and relaxed for a few hours after the race…before the post race celebration dinner began.  By the time the dinner rolled around, I was feeling pretty decent…much better than I was anticipating.  So good in fact that I was able to wear heels out that night, contrary to popular belief that they’d be out of the question

After a fun night of celebrating with a few cocktails, we packing up Sunday morning and headed back to Charlotte.  The whole experience is one I will never forget.  Thank you so much to all of my friends and family for the constant encouragement during my training the last 4 months.  Thank you to all of the volunteers on the race course who cheered me on when I can only imagine how pathetic I looked at times.  Thank you to Andrew’s family for being there to cheer me on during the race and help me cross the finish line.  And thank you to Andrew, the best running “coach” a girl could ask for.  Having your support and positive reinforcement throughout the entire race…and really training process…helped more then you’ll ever know!

Here are a few photos from the race…

A lot of people have asked if I’ll do another marathon….and the answer to that is absolutely.  The experience was so much fun…and something that the majority of people won’t ever get to do.  AND I still need to break my 4 hour goal.  I’ve felt so good that I’ve already started running again.  Nothing too extreme…short distances at a fairly slow pace…just to get my legs moving again.  I’m not 100% sure what’s next, but I’m thinking it maybe the Nashville Country Music Marathon on 4/28/12!

The only other thing really worth mentioning is that I had my semi-annual mammogram on Monday.  I’m happy to report that I once again got a clean bill of health, and everything looks like it should.

And I’ll end on that….photos from 56 weeks post chemo are below…

There are certain events in life that have a way of smacking you across the face to make you realize how fortunate you truly are.  I had one of these events two Sundays ago at a friend’s wedding.  My friend is fighting her own cancer battle and has an incredibly tough road ahead of her…much tougher then I was ever forced to fight. 

I’m not going to go into detail about her story because 1) I don’t know all of the details of her diagnosis and don’t want to present false information and 2) it’s her story to tell…not mine.  Believe it or not, not everyone is willing to share the details of the cancer journey….some people find it to be a private thing that they battle on their own…and there’s nothing wrong with that.  I attribute my “open book” mentality to coming from a long line of outgoing women in my family.

I was incredibly humbled by my friend’s courage at her wedding.  If the tables had been turned, I’m not so sure I could have put myself out there in front of so many people in such a vulnerable state.  I was terribly self-conscience during chemo….to see her proudly get the down the aisle, pose for picture, even manage to get a dance in with her new husband made me realize that when it comes to the awful world of cancer, I’m one of the lucky ones.

Lucky because my cancer was caught early.  Lucky because the treatment plan my doctors put together achieved what they set out for it to do.  Lucky because just a year later, I’m in better health and shape then I was before I was ever diagnosed.  Plainly said, cancer gave me an easy hand to deal with. 

Seeing my friend and knowing the battle she is fighting, I couldn’t help but feel a little angry for her.  Life isn’t fair and cancer certainly isn’t a fair disease.  It picks and chooses its’ victims based on what seems like no real rhyme or reason.  Leaving her wedding, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.  Lord knows I haven’t always maintained the best attitude throughout the last year and a half and have felt sorry for myself on one too many occasions.  Here was a woman who’s in far worse condition then I ever was and still managed to maintain such a positive outlook on life. 

All she asks of anyone is very simple….pray for her.  Pray for her too continue to have the strength and courage to push through her struggles.  So I ask all of you….please pray for my friend.  Every little bit helps.

It’s hard to believe, but my marathon is only 4 days away!  My running has been so light the last two weeks, I worry my endurance won’t be there come Saturday.  I’ve been reassured that that will not be the case though.  I’ve been training for 4 months now…my body should be ready.  We’ll find out soon enough I guess! 

Going into the race, a lot of people have asked how I’m feeling and if I think I’m ready.  It’s a tough question to answer.  I’ve never ran a marathon….so it’s hard to say if I think I’m ready.  There’s definitely a lot going on in my mind….and I’ve been saying some selfish prayers of my own.

Praying my body doesn’t fail me.  My last 20 mile run was completely miserable.  My body just didn’t want to cooperate with me, and it took everything I had to finish those 20 miles.  How in the world can I add another 6 miles on top of that?!  Definitely wasn’t a good way to end my last long run.

Praying that the pain I’ve been having in my hips and IT bands the last few weeks doesn’t set in until I’m at least in the double digit miles.

Praying that I don’t mentally “take myself out of the race”.  I’ve been told by multiple people that the last 6 – 8 miles of the race are all mental….and I don’t want my own sometimes crazy thoughts to be the reason this weekend doesn’t go well.

Praying that my one remaining chemo afflicted toe nail hanging on by a hair doesn’t fall off.  I haven’t had a pedicure in months…for fear of my feet getting too soft and getting blisters…and plan to treat myself to one very shortly after the marathon.  I’d really like to have all 10 toe nails still intact to get painted.

Praying that my hair doesn’t look like a hot mess when I cross the finish line.  Who knows if I’ll ever run another marathon.  If this ends up being the only marathon I ever do, I’d hate for all the photos to be ruined by an out-of-control-wind-blown-afro.

Praying that the playlist I put together is kick-ass enough to get me through…it may sound silly, but my music is very motivational to me when I run.

Ok, the last two things are kind of silly…but they’re still on my mind.  And I like to try to through a little humor into every post!

All that stands between me and the race now is a 3 mile run tomorrow, a 4 hour car drive on Thursday, and a 2 mile run on Friday.  Hopefully you’ll be hearing from me in another week

Photos from 55 weeks post chemo are below…

Big news since I last posted….which I’m embarrassed to admit has been way too long. AGAIN. I’ve really been slacking in keeping up with the weekly blogs. The last few weeks have been really busy…which you’ll hear about some of the “busy-ness” below…but November has just been a lazy month of writing for me

Back to the big news…Friday, 11/11/11, marked my one year anniversary from finishing chemo!! It’s so strange to hear those words come out of my mouth. I can’t believe how quickly a year flew by…crazy how that happens when you get back to living a life that doesn’t revolve around cancer. Needless to say, I feel incredibly grateful to be able to say it’s been one year already! I wrote a ridiculously long blog back at the 6 month mark on chemo FAQs if you want to check that out here…warning, it’s wordy.

The past year has been such a whirlwind for me. I look a whole lot different on the outside. Well not really a whole lot, primarily just from the neck up. And more importantly, I’ve changed a lot as a person. I don’t sweat the small stuff as much as I used to. I don’t worry as much about what other people think of me. I don’t waste as much time trying to make other people happy, while sacrificing my own happiness. Steve Jobs said it best, “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life”.

So much in my life has changed, and I feel more and more blessed every day for having such a great support system surrounding me. I like to go back from time to time and read the blogs I posted from earlier this year….I don’t like to brag, but I’ve come a long way baby!!

What does one do to celebrate a full year chemo free? They run a ½ marathon!! Or at least I did. A year ago I could barely run a ½ mile, so being able to run 13 now feels great. My goal for the race was to finish under 1:50:00, so I was very happy squeaking in right under that at 1:49:43. It helped having people there to cheer me on. Thank you Andrew, Amanda, and Ryan for being there are the finish line to cheer me on, and for all the messages of encouragement I received before the race.

And to toot my own horn a little, I cut off over 11 minutes from my ½ marathon time 2 years ago, and over 24 minutes from my first ½ marathon back in 2004. I’m like a fine wine….I keep getting better with age!!

Races in Charlotte are challenging because of the hilly nature of the courses….anyone who lives here knows what I’m talking about. I run outside 99% of the time, so I am accustomed to the hills to some extent, but to hit EVERY hill in Charlotte on one run was pretty brutal. Not to mention I started out a pace that was about a full minute faster then I typically run.

Call me crazy, but I really wanted to see the race clock in the 1:40’s when I crossed the finish line, not just my chip time. Because I’d been sick the 2 weeks leading up to the race, and only ran once the week of, I knew I would be cutting it close to make my goal. So instead of starting a little bit further back with the people who run an 8-8:30 minute pace…like I do…I placed myself with the people running at a 7-7:30 minute pace. Big mistake.

The race started, and I’m trying to keep up with runners who are far superior to me. I was fine through the first 6 miles, then tanked at mile 7 when it was all uphill for what felt like another 6 miles, but in reality was probably only a mile. I was significantly slower during the second half of the race then I was during the first, but fortunately was able to meet my goal.

Biggest lesson learned…..run my own race. Anyone that knows me knows that I am what you could call competitive. Doesn’t matter what the situation may be….I really like to win :) I’m no spring chicken, nor do I think I’m in supreme physical shape, but to continuously be passed by runners who were 1) older or 2) more out of shape then me was frustrating to say the least. Each time that would happen, I’d speed up a little…and ultimately caused myself to hit the figurative “wall” much too soon during the run. Thank goodness it wasn’t my full marathon, because I don’t know if I would have had it in me to finish!

SO, heading into my marathon….less then 2 weeks away now!!….my primary focus is keeping my own pace. Not everyone else’s around me. I have a goal for my marathon…well actually I have 2 goals. One that I think is realistic and one that is really a hell-has-frozen-over-if-I-actually-hit-it goal. I’ll share the goals with you all after my race is over.

The second contributing factor into my writing laziness is that my kitchen remodel finally finished about two weeks ago!! And granted this shouldn’t impact my time to write, but it does when half your house was still in boxes because you couldn’t put away your belongings. I spent any free time I would normally have to put a blog together, working tirelessly at putting my house together. That may be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point. Before and after photos are below….I’m VERY happy with the finished product!!

And finally, I place a little blame on the Thanksgiving holiday and the subsequent tryptophan induced haze that hung over me like a cloud for a few days thanks to eating too much on Thursday, and continuing to eat leftovers the days following. I did manage to squeeze in my training runs. Thursday morning…along with 8000 other people who wanted to justify the exorbitant amount of calories they were going to consume in a matter of hours…I ran in the Charlotte Turkey Trot 8K. This was my first time doing the race, and it was a lot of fun! My goal was to finish under 40 minutes…and (again, not to brag) but I blew that away and finished in 37:38…15th of 386 in my age group!

Now my entire focus is directed at my marathon, 12 short days away! I’ve officially started my “taper”. Anyone who’s ever trained for a race can relate, life is good. Gone are the days of 20 mile runs on Saturday morning….at least until race day. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…training for a marathon is a completely different way of life.

Your social life takes a serious hit. Well, I didn’t really go out much before, so mine hasn’t really been impacted all that much. But it could be an issue for some people. Friday’s night are spent on the couch, typically crawling into bed by 10pm because you know the alarm clock will be off in a few short hours. Every time you consider having a drink, you find yourself questioning if it’s really worth it. You know the impact one drink will have on your ability to feel good running vs. feeling like a pile of you know what the next morning. And gone are the days of sleeping in! I did all my training in the mornings, even my weekend runs, so I’m reeeeally looking forward to having the option to roll over and shut the alarm clock off without feeling guilty if I so choose.

I have 7 more training runs, the longest of which is 8 miles….piece of cake! Looking forward to hopefully a great race on the 10th!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I was in such a sorry state at this time last year, it was hard for me to see through the haze of self-pity I’d created for myself to truly appreciate and be thankful everything. I have a great family who would do anything for me, including weeding my overgrown yard. I have amazing friends who support me through all of life’s challenges. And most importantly, I have my health.

Because I’ve been suck a slacker, I have 3 weeks of photos to post…..even in my laziest of times, I still do manage to take photos   Photos from 52 weeks post chemo are below….

Photos from 53 weeks post chemo….

And finally…photos from 54 weeks post chemo….

Almost two full weeks have gone by since my last post (whoops!)….so I thought I’d sneak a really quick one in before the weekend.

I haven’t made a big deal of it…more so for my own good then not wanting to share….but I started taking my tamoxifen pills again.  I think part of me believed that if I started taking the pills without really telling anyone or making a big deal of it, I may not notice any of the side effects that I had such terrible issues with a few months back.  Because there is an odd number of days in the week and I’m a notorious over-achiever ( :) ), I’m taking a pill every Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I figured this was the type of situation where “rounding up” was the better choice.

Good news is that I don’t think I’m really seeing any side effects yet.  I’ve been really hot when I sleep lately, but I think that has more to do with all of the running that I’ve been doing in preparation for my marathon then a change in my hormones because of the pills.  Bad news is that because my dosage was cut in half and I only take a pill every other day, I probably haven’t gotten enough of the drug in my system to really see any side effects yet.

We’ll see how the next few months progress.  At the very least, I have the weather on my side.  It’s winter and definitely chillier out then it was a few months back when I tried my first go around on Tamoxifen.  I’m hopeful that over the course of the winter, my body will have the necessary time to adjust to and regulate itself to the lower hormone levels…and by the time summer hits again hot flashes will be a thing of the past.  Lofty goal yes, but a girl can dream right?!

I have the first of my two big races this winter on Saturday…..the Thunder Road ½ Marathon.  If you would have asked me about the race last weekend, I would have told you I was ready for and really looking forward to the race.  Last Saturday I had a really good 20 mile run.  I felt SO MUCH BETTER than my first 20 mile run 3 weeks ago, and had a great 13 mile marker time.

Flash forward to today, 2 days before my race, and I’m dreading it!!  I came down with a nasty cold on Sunday and have been fighting it all week, which means my running this week has been essentially non-existent :(  I’m still not feeling 100%….coughing, sneezing, running nose…but am hopeful my body is going to make great strides in the next 36 hours towards full recovery.

I’m a little disappointed because with all the training I’ve been doing in the last 3 months, I was feeling really strong and confident that I’d meet my goal of finishing under 1:49:59.  Now, I think I’ll just settle for finishing the darn race!  Thankfully this happened the week leading up to my ½ marathon and not my full….because I would be one very unhappy person if that were the case!!

Wish me luck on Saturday (because I’m definitely going to need it)….and please say a prayer that all the nasty germs I’ve been housing the last 5 days finally find a new home

Photos from 51 weeks post chemo are below….

On my parents most recent trip to Charlotte they brought down a few plastic bins of my old stuff….homework, art projects, medals / trophies, photos, etc.  It’s always entertaining looking through “memorabilia” that’s 15-20 years old….especially old photos.  As I was flipping through my elementary school photos, one in particular caught my eye….

Add a few wrinkles, lose a few eyebrows…..and I’m officially a 5^th grade version of my former self!  My curly hair back then was the result of a perm thanks to my aunt Denise, but none-the-less, it’s essentially the EXACT SAME HAIRSTYLE I have now.  Insert whatever jokes you want about the photo.  I recognize there’s a plethora of things you can laugh at….but it doesn’t matter, because I think it’s safe to say that I’m aging pretty damn well!!

Was this photo a premonition of what was to come in my life or just a bad hair choice made by a young girl with too much freedom in the hair department?  I wish I could go back and ask 11 year old Nicole what she was thinking when she chopped off and permed her hair.  Better yet, I wish I could go back and remember how I dealt with the awkward stages of growing out my short hair after I figured out it wasn’t cool to have a self-inflicted afro under any circumstances.

As happy as I am that my hair is getting longer every day, I struggle more and more with being able to style it into something that resembles a semi-cute hair-do.  Not all of my hair is as curly as it once was, so I have random chunks of straight-ish hair throughout my head that I don’t know how to control.  Throw into the mix that I think my headband days (because I’ve worn a headband every single day since I purchased my first one about 4 months ago) are numbered, and I’ve got a situation on my hands….or better yet, on my head.

I’ve spent a lot time googling and trying to find ways to style short-ish curly hair, but haven’t come up with any suitable solutions….which really surprises me!  I know all chemo patients go through the same predicament that I’ve found myself in…but not many have taken to the internet to talk about how they navigated the awkward stages of hair regrowth.  Any suggestions??  And no, cutting my hair and keeping it short is not an option

I’ve got my thinking cap on and am trying to channel my inner creativity…. but for the time being I’ve resorted to avoiding the situation altogether and pretending like it doesn’t exist.  And when that day finally comes where I’ve got my next great hair idea, whatever products, accessories, styling techniques I eventually come up with to get through the next 6 – 8 months will be shared on my blog.  Losing your hair is dramatic enough…growing it back should be easy!

I entered week 12 of 18 in my marathon training today.  I’m 2/3 of the way there, which makes me very happy :)  All the running has really become physically and mentally draining.  I look forward to that first Saturday morning where I can sleep in again and not worry about my 6am wake up call.  My body isn’t recovering as quickly as it once did from my long runs….which probably has more to do with the fact that my long runs are A LOT longer than they once were.  And I find myself questioning if I’m really going to be able to finish this darn thing.

I had to run 20 miles this past Saturday.  I’m not going to lie…..it was PAINFUL.  There was nothing fun about it, and really struggled for the first time with wanting to quit my run.  Every muscle and joint in my body ached when I finished.  It’s a little disheartening to think about the fact that I still have another 6 miles to add on top of that to complete my marathon.  I’ve had the goal in my head of finishing in under 4 hours since the day I signed up….but now I’m thinking I’d be happy if I’m just able to finish the darn thing!

Thankfully, this week is a pretty light and easy running week for me.  I’m hoping the shorter runs will allow my aches and pains to heal, and my mental state will be much improved by my next 20 mile run a week from Saturday and for my half marathon on 11/11!

Photos from 48 weeks post chemo are below…

I was recently given a magazine article that really has me inspired…so I couldn’t not share with everyone.  The article, in family circle magazine, is about a woman named Sue Weldon….a gymnastics coach AND breast cancer survivor…who created a nonprofit organization called Unite for Her (www.uniteforher.org).  The organization was created with the goal of “bridging the gap between the medical and wellness communities by education women diagnosed with breast cancer about complimentary therapies, providing them with a compassionate resource for support, knowledge, and sharing”.  There website has a lot of great information and highly recommend checking it (along with the Family Circle article) out!

As part of Unite for Her, Sue also developed a yearly fundraising event in the form of a special gymnastics meet….the Pink Invitational.  The Pink Invitational’s inaugural year was 2009.  For a first time event, the gymnastics meet drew a HUGE crowd.  There were 1200 gymnasts from 37 gymnastics clubs that participated, and the meet as a whole raised $65,000 for the Unite for Her organization.  The meet has continued to grow.  In 2011, the invitational raised $160,000.  The 2012 meet’s registration is already closed with over 2,100 gymnasts from 65 different teams (many of which I recognize from my years, way back when, in club gymnastics).  Very impressive for its’ 4^th year in existence!  The money raised at the Pink Invitational is directly applied towards education / awareness on breast cancer, wellness days for breast cancer patients at local hospitals, grants for gymnasts with who have a parent struggling with breast cancer, and to support other nonprofit organizations with a shared mission.

Given that Sue and I are both breast cancer survivors and hold a special place in our hearts for the world of gymnastics, I knew I had to get in touch with her.  I sent Sue and email and heard back from her within 48 hours.  I was very impressed!  I know how busy life can get, so I was amazed and truly appreciated her getting back in touch with me so quickly.  A day later, Sue and I connected over the phone and had a really great conversation about the organization and about both of our individual experiences dealing with breast cancer.

I’ve said this over and over again, but cancer has truly been a blessing in disguise for me.  I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself going through everything I have in the last year, and would really like to give back in some way, shape, or form.  What better way than through an organization centered around a woman who I share so much in common with!  I can’t help but to selfishly feel like this organization was created just for me

Sue educated me on a the different activities Unite for Her currently has underway, and has plans for in the future (the list is impressive)…and we brainstormed ideas on how I could help from afar (the organization’s home base is in Pennsylvania and I’m in North Carolina ). 

As word of the Pink Invitational has gotten out, a lot of colleges have expressed interest in hosting their own version of the meet during their season.  Considering my background as a college gymnast, this seemed like the most logical fit of how I can help.  I’m still learning about the organization….Sue has sent me a plethora of information to read…but I’m very much looking forward to figuring out ways I can contribute to this fantastic organization.  Stay tuned!!

Marathon training is well underway.  I had my 1^st of 4 really long runs last Saturday….19 miles.  I never thought I would live to see the day where I would run 19 miles in one outing.  But I did it!  I’m not going to lie and say it was easy….because it wasn’t.  But I got through it, and that’s all that matters!  This Saturday I have to tackle 20 miles….my stomach is in knots just typing it!!

With the longer distances being a part of my running regimen now, I’ve really learned the importance of getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and stretching, stretching, stretching!  It’s amazing how much better I feel on a run having had a salad and a piece of fish for dinner at home the night before, as opposed to something from a local restaurant followed by a glass of wine.  Long gone are my Friday or Saturday nights of going out for a few drinks with friends.  Marathon training literally takes over your life.  Not that I’m complaining though….it will feel great crossing the finish line on December 10^th!

I’m going to end my blog this week with a big THANK YOU to all of the people who send me emails.  I’m continuously amazed at the outpouring of support I receive from friends afar, and from complete strangers who happen to come across my blog.  Your emails of support and encouragement mean the world to me!  And it feels great knowing I can help others by sharing my experiences.  Lord knows if I’m anything I’m blunt!  I’d like to think that my willingness to share, to the point of embarrassment at times, can help others a little!  So as I’ve said before, feel free to ask me anything!!

Because last week absolutely flew by, I’ll be posting 2 weeks of photos.  Photos from 46 weeks post chemo are below…

And now photos from 47 weeks post chemo…

Three important events transpired this past weekend.  The first was the Bingo for Boobies fundraiser at Mortimers Bar in the epicenter.  There was a great turnout for the event…and I can honestly say I’ve never had so much fun playing bingo.  Here are a few photos from the event.

The second was the Komen Race for the Cure event here in Charlotte.  I’ve been talking about how disappointed I was to miss the race because I wasn’t going to be in town L  All of my wonderful friends still participated and raised money through Team Dolla Dolla Bills…and looked like they had a really great time!  Thank you so much to everyone who ran the race on my behalf.  I’m so sad I couldn’t be there…because it looked like you all had a lot of fun…but truly appreciate you continuing the team in my honor despite my absence!!   A HUGE thank you to Brandii, Jessica, and Wanda for all of their work organizing both events, and creating another kick-ass t-shirt.  You guys are awesome!!  Here are a few photos of friends rocking their second annual Dolla Dolla Bills t-shirts (thanks to New Directions, Inc.).

There is a really nice write-up of both events on the Bobcats website including a link to the full gallery of photos if you want to check it out.

“As teams across the area prepared for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on Saturday, October 1, 2011, our very own Lady Cats fielded a team consisting of current and former Lady Cats, as well as family and friends. For the second year in a row the team participated in the 5K run early Saturday in honor of their friend and former Lady Cat, Nicole Bills.

After dancing for the Bobcats for three seasons, Nicole was diagnosed with breast cancer in June of 2010. An avid runner and marathon competitor, Nicole ran the race herself last year with the team, in the middle of chemotherapy treatments.

“It was a joy to get together with the Lady Cats, both current and past, to celebrate Nicole and those we know whom have battled with breast cancer,” said Lady Cats alum Monique, a member of the inaugural Bobcats dance team. “I personally am touched by all of the faces of the girls that support Nicole, whether they danced with her or not. I think that’s a testament to our sisterhood as a team and organization.”

Former Lady Cat Ashley said, “rallying around Nicole the past several years has made such a huge impact on not only my life, but the many friends and family that surround her. To me, participating on ‘Team Dolla Dolla Bills’ in the Race for the Cure represents celebrating survivors, honoring those we’ve lost and at the same time raising awareness.”

The group held a mixer at Mortimer’s on Wednesday, September 28, 2011, to raise money towards their team fundraising goal. Those in attendance enjoyed multiple rounds of Bingo to raise money and also competed in hula hoop contests.

“It was good to see everyone and to raise money to beat breast cancer,” Lady Cat Lindsay said. “It’s awesome to see the present Lady Cats involved, even though they didn’t dance during Nicole’s seasons with the Bobcats.”

This year, Nicole was being inducted into her college Hall of Fame at Central Michigan University and was unable to run in Saturday’s race, so the Lady Cats were truly “running the race” for her. For Nicole, running an easy 5K would be nothing, but for some of the Lady Cats, it was much more challenging. Let’s just say the celebration dance they did at the finish line was well worth witnessing.”

The last event was my Hall of Fame induction I’ve been talking about for a few months now.  I was up in Michigan all weekend (hence my not being able to do RFTC) for all of the festivities surrounding my Hall of Fame induction.  Friday evening consisted of a pre-ceremony reception, followed by the actual Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  Both events were held in the new McGuirk Arena on CMU’s campus….which was really nice!! 

There is a hallway dedicated to all of the past hall of famers where each person’s photo will hang for the rest of time…well maybe not that long, but you get the picture!  There is also this really neat interactive touch screen computer of sorts mounted to the wall.  You could scroll through each class, click on any individual you wanted, and view their athletic profile and photos.  Very cool feature!!

The ceremony kicked off around 7pm.  All of the inductees were seated in chairs on the floors in front of the podium.  Fortunately for me, I was picked first to give my speech…which made me SO HAPPY.  I was stressing about my speech for the last month, and was grateful to be able to get it out of the way without having to sit through anyone else’s.

I’m going to toot my own horn for a second and tell you all how awesome my speech was.  Word on the street was that my speech was the best of all the inductees.  It may have had something to do with starting that rumor….but it stuck   They videotaped the whole ceremony, and we’re all supposed to get a copy on DVD in two months (along with our Hall of Fame rings!!!).  Depending on how silly I sound, I may post it on my blog some day.

On Saturday, my old coaches threw a tailgate in my honor before the football game.  It was a lot of fun, and was really nice and to meet all the current girls on the gymnastics team.  At half time during the game, we were brought out onto the field and introduced.

All in all, it was a very memorable experience, and I’m very thankful to everyone who put in their time and effort to make the weekend so special.

You can read my speech below….warning: I wrote out word for word by speech, including the jokes I wanted to say.  I’m guessing it won’t be nearly as funny without my quick wit and stellar delivery.  AND, it’s pretty lengthy.

“Thank you all so much.  I first would like to say how honored and blessed I feel to be here.  If someone would have told me all those years ago when I walked onto CMU’s campus as an anxious / nervous / naïve / scared out of her mind freshman that I would be getting inducted into the Hall of Fame 15 years later, I wouldn’t have believed them.  I consider it an honor and privilege to be standing up here tonight and to the selection committee… I thank you for granting me this incredible award.

I was born into the sport of gymnastics; it was a way of life for me.  There are very few childhood memories I have that don’t revolve around the sport, let alone take place in the gym.  Growing up, my parents owned a gymnastics club.  Because they, along with several of my aunts, were my coaches at one time or another, it quickly became my second home.  By the age of 2, I was taking dance and gymnastics classes…although I don’t think you can really call what I was doing at that time gymnastics.  By the age of 7, I was competing and working towards my goal of going to the Olympics and becoming the next Mary Lou Retton.  I quickly decided I wasn’t really Mary Lou material, so around the age of 12 I shifted my sights on something else….college gymnastics.  For the next 6 years, throughout countless hours of sweat, tears at times, and I’m sure a little (or a lot) of complaining on my part, I trained with the goal in mind of becoming a college athlete.  Lucky for me, that all paid off.

I remember the night that Jerry called and extended me the opportunity to join the gymnastics team like it was yesterday.  I was surprised, ecstatic, and intimidated all at the same time.  See, I had heard through the gymnastics community that Jerry was a stern / tough coach who ran a pretty tight ship here at Central…little did I know he would actually turn out to be such a softie.  No more 7-minute mile Jerry?  I never thought the day would come….kudos to whichever of you girls in back presented such a strong & compelling case to him that he finally caved.  The 7-minute mile was the beign of my, and many girls before and after my time’s, existence!!  Gymnasts aren’t known to be the fastest runners around town!

Despite my fears and apprehensions, I came to Central and found that I fit right in.  Jerry and Christine demanded a lot out of us, but it was only to make us the best athletes we could be.  I learned more skills, and grew into a better gymnast then I could’ve ever imagined.  I quickly came to realize that the tough guy reputation that preceded him, wasn’t accurate at all.  Don’t get me wrong, my will power and dedication were continuously put to the test.  Jerry pushed you to your limits, but never more.  He required you to give 110% every day, but always ended the day with some sort of positive thoughts or feedback.  I walked out of the gym after each practice feeling good because I knew I had left everything on the floor.  Jerry and Christine didn’t just teach me how to be a great athlete….they taught me that through hard work, perseverance, sacrifice, and determination,  you can push through any challenge and achieve your goals.

I have so many fond memories of my time at Central, but I think what I remember, and appreciated the most is the family like environment that Jerry and Christine created amongst the team.  Whether it was a movie night at Christine’s, or a pre-meet spaghetti dinner at Jerry’s, you both went above and beyond the duties of a typical coach.  You not only opened the gym up to me and so many others, you opened your home and hearts as well.

Finding out I was being inducted into the Hall of Fame is a day I will never forget.  I was coming home from a golf outing at work when I received an email from Jerry.  Reading through the email quickly, as I was at a stop light and only had a few seconds to spare, I thought Jerry’s email was to let me know HE was being inducted into the Hall of Fame.  To which I thought, “It’s about time!!” Jerry’s had such great success as a coach, so naturally it only made sense.  As I approached the next stop light, and had time to re-read the email, I saw that he was actually emailing to let ME know that I had been selected as part of the class of 2011.  I was literally in shock!  And by the way Jerry, I still think you deserve to be inducted!!

It goes without saying that to be inducted in the Hall of Fame is the ultimate honor that an athlete can receive.  There are no words to describe the joy of experiencing this final chapter in my gymnastics career.  Because for a sport where going on to play “professionally” isn’t an option, this is truly as good as it gets.  It should also go without saying that one does not come to stand at this podium without the guidance, the direction, and the love & support of others.

To my parents…thank you for turning what started out as a tiny business on Farragut St into something that would change my life forever.  The never-ending, unconditional love and support you’ve always shown me will never be forgotten.  It wasn’t always easy having your parents own the gymnastics club you train at, and even though there were times when I didn’t necessarily agree with some of the decisions you made on my behalf (like foregoing my senior year spring break with friends in lieu of the gym hosting level 10 regionals), I’ll never forget how much you sacrificed to allow me to achieve my goals.  Thank you for pushing me to stick with the sport, even when I didn’t want to, and always being a constant source of encouragement and positive reinforcement.

To my sister and brother, thank you for trekking to as many of my gymnastics meets as you did….and for letting me be the center of attention at times….we middle children need that.  It goes without saying that 5 hour gymnastic meets can be monotonous…and you attended more than your share.

To my aunts Nanci and Lisa…not everyone is lucky enough to have one their aunts coach them….I was lucky enough to have 2.  Thank you for helping me realize my dreams of becoming a college athlete.  You instilled in me the importance of having a strong foundation and solid basics as a gymnast…something that I believe always set me apart from others.  Because with that, you can learn any skill you desire.  I never fully appreciated my ability to do a straddle press with ease or splits on both my right and left legs until getting to college and seeing that many people struggle with that.

To my extended family….thank you for always being my #1 fans.  Tonight is one of the many examples of the unwavering love and support you have always shown me.

To all of my friends…near and far…old and new…I couldn’t ask for a better support system to provide constant encouragement.  Thank you for always being there to pick me up when I’m down and celebrate my successes with me.

To every one of my former teammates…thank you for 4 of the most memorable, entertaining, and gratifying years of my life.  Being part of a team with such a special and talented group of girls was a once in a lifetime opportunity.  I will never forget the highs and the lows we experienced together…losing MACs my freshman year (at home no less), winning MACs every year after, twice a day workouts over Christmas break, beam routines in the middle of the student activity center, road trips in the silver suburbans (because we didn’t get to use the school busses until my senior year), ¼ mile sprints, 6am weight lifting sessions (thank you Keith!), the list goes on and on.  They are moments that could never be replaced and I’ll cherish forever.  The successes I had as an individual were great, but the successes we had as a team are what I look back and remember the most.

To all of the girls on the team now….enjoy each and every day of your journey…because it goes by in the blink of an eye!

To my fellow inductees…I couldn’t be more honored to be part of a class of such talented and extraordinary individuals.  You were the best of the best of your respective sports…and I feel so privileged to go through this experience with you all.

To Ramone and Keith…thank you for providing comic relief at the times we needed it most and for always being an advocate of us girls.

To Christine…what can I say?  You started out as someone I was a little afraid of as a freshman, (I don’t know if I ever told you that), and grew into a great friend by the time I was a senior. I’ll always remember the long chats we used to share and appreciate your willingness to put up with all of my quirks.  I don’t know many coaches that would let their gymnast purposely set their equipment down crooked because for some strange reason it calmed their nerves.  You let me be me, and never questioned the means behind my madness. Thank you for always believing in me….even during the times that I didn’t believe in myself. 

And finally to Jerry…thank you for giving me the opportunity of a life-time.  I’ll never forget the days of you lying under the balance beam trying to break my focus or looking over at meets and watching you pace back and forth with your eyes closed.  (I still to this day don’t know if you ever actually saw one of my beam routines.)  You are a one of a kind coach, and I’m incredibly grateful for the life lessons you taught me.  I came to Central as a cautious, timid, not-always-sure of herself young girl, and walked away confident that through hard work and determination, I could accomplish anything I set my mind to.  Thank you for always instilling in me the importance of a good attitude and strong work ethic…because with that, I’ve been able to get through all of life’s challenges.

That’s the funny thing about life….you never know what kind of crazy curve balls will be thrown your way.  A year ago, I was at the lowest of low points.  I’d been recently diagnosed with breast cancer, had just finished my second round of chemo, and had officially lost all of my hair.  I was feeling incredibly sorry for myself and every day I questioned “why me?”  I’ve done a lot of reflection over the course of the last year…and I finally came up with an answer.  Why me??.  Because I could handle it.  I was pushed to my limits, but I was equipped to handle it.  I don’t know if tonight would be so sweet had I not been humbled so greatly.  I’ve truly been blessed in life.  I’ve been fortunate enough to have some experiences and successes that only a small % of people get to have…and I’ve been fortunate enough to be faced with disappointments in life that have allowed me to fully appreciate those special times.

“In order for there to be ups, there must be downs. Remember all your failures, so when you succeed you can look back and have pride that you had strength enough to overcome anything.” 

Tonight is definitely a success.

Tonight is something I will remember and cherish forever.

Thank you.”

This is a very long post, so I’m going to try to wrap up without any more of an update!!  Here are photos from 45 weeks post chemo…

I was in the salon last week buying a new supply of Phytophanere when I was approached by one of the hair stylists.  He commented on how much he loved my hair and how he’d love to “get his hands on it”…hair stylists lingo for give me a haircut.  He went on to ask me a bunch of questions about the curliness of my hair and how stylish I was for having what he called a “retro” hair style.

I don’t know about being retro, but I appreciate the compliment none-the-less.  I explained to him that I had finished chemo in November and my hair was still growing back in.  I also told him I was thinking it was almost time to get my first post chemo hair cut…trim off the frizzy ends, maybe tidy up the back a little.  His response, “yeah, you kind of have a rat’s tail in back”.

Seriously?!  The private thoughts I’ve had in my head about coming dangerously close to looking like Kenny Powers had just been confirmed

East Bound and Down is a funny show, but looking like it’s lead character is not.  I knew I had to take immediate action.  Despite the little voice in my head telling me not to do it, I scheduled my first post chemo trim for two days later.

Friday morning came and I was started to second guess my decision.  Having gone through the experience of losing my hair…to say I’m attached to the hair I have now is an understatement.  I’ve recently started shedding hair again in the shower and randomly throughout the day (like normal people do), and it pains me to see even one strand of hair leave my head.  I’ve waited so long to have a decent amount of hair again, so I’m a little sensitive about it.  The thought of cutting off my hard earned curls of my own free will seemed like a terrible idea.

I arrive at the salon and the hair stylist could tell I was a nervous wreck.  He assured me he was only going to take maybe ¼ inch from the majority of my head….but would be taking 2 – 2 ½ inches from the back.  I freaked out a little bit.  My hair is only about 4 inches in the longest spots right now…..and he was going to take half of that?  He explained to me that I needed to keep the back shorter until the rest of the hair on the top and sides of my head grew enough to reach the bottom of my head….which I guess makes sense.  If I continued to grow the back out without cutting it, I’d be stuck with the mullet I’ve been talking about for months.

I finally just told him to do whatever he thought would be best….and believe it or not, I’m very happy with the finished product!  It actually looks good!!  I’d been stressing myself out over nothing…shocker, I know.  He used a diffuser on my hair to dry it, which I really liked.  My hair, dare I say, looked liked it had been styled when I left as opposed to fresh out of the shower wet look I typically sport when I walk out of the door.  I’m a big fan of the diffuser now…I bought one this weekend and have been using it in the mornings!!

Now that it’s all said and done, I’m really happy to have my first post chemo hair cut out of the way.  I’ve been thinking about when I’d feel comfortable enough to do it since I started losing my hair back in September.  I think anyone who has gone through the process can sympathize with me on this one.  Your hair becomes so much more then something sprouting out of the top of your head…for me, it became the validation I needed that all of the nasty drugs and cancer were leaving my body.  Because I wasn’t fully ready to say goodbye to the hair that had been cut off, I took one big curl home with me as a memento.

It recently came to my attention that I never really did a follow-up on which hair products (I purchased way back when) I’m still using…so I thought I’d provide a little commentary around the products I’m currently using.

As soon as I noticed my hair had officially starting to grow back, I began using Nioxin shampoo, conditioner, and hair booster spray.  It was recommended by my oncologist, as well as several hair stylist friends.  I started out using the Level 3, than transitioned to Level 1 as soon as my first bottles of Level 3 were used up.  I’ve been using Level 1 for about 6 months now, and I’ve been very happy with it.

After showers, I use a curl enhancer from Aveda called Be Curly.  I have several friends with naturally curly hair, and they recommended the line.  It’s more or less a serum that adds shine and controls the frizz.  I put a liberal amount in my hair a few minutes after my shower, and then just let it air dry.  Very happy with this product!

Finally, I use a product from Bed Head called Foxy Curls.  This is a hair spray of sorts that helps control my curls and keep them in place. It’s doesn’t quite have the hold that hair spray does, but it does give your hair more of a crunchy texture.  When I use this product, I typically end up running my fingers through my hair about a 1/2 hour to hour after I spray it on to soften my curls up a bit.  This product is great at defining my curls.

All in all, I’m think I found the right combination of products to keep my afro at bay…and make it look presentable at the same time!

I fly out to Michigan Friday morning for the Hall of Fame festivities.  I’m looking forward to seeing my family again, and to seeing how much Central’s campus has changed since the last time I was there.  I’ve still got some work to do on my speech unfortunately, but I’ve at least made some good progress.  Here’s the link to my Hall of Fame profile posted on CMU’s website making me sound oh so awesome!!

I had my first really long run (16 miles) on Saturday, and managed to get through that without too much trouble….despite running through a monsoon on miles 3 – 8 resulting in a broken ipod L  Now all that’s standing in between me and this weekend is a 17 mile run tomorrow morning :(  I want to get my long run for this week done before I fly out so I don’t have to worry about this weekend with all of the festivities that are planned.  Unfortunately, that means I need to be up and out the door before 5am tomorrow.  Early to bed for me tonight…..only after the Bingo for Boobies event to raise money for Team Dolla Dolla Bills.

Photos from 44 weeks post chemo are below….you can really notice my hair cut on the photo of the back of my head….

I survived my big camping / backpacking trip and surprisingly really enjoyed myself! Not that I didn’t think I would have a good time, I’ve just never been much of an “outdoorsy” girl…so I was a little apprehensive about the whole no bathroom, no shower, no roof over my head type of situation I was about to enter. Throw into the mix that I was going to be in the middle of the woods with a bunch bears who would love to munch on me as an afternoon snack…so it’s only natural to be a little nervous about the whole thing.

The first two nights of our trip were spent in Jackson Hole, WY where we did some day hiking in Teton National Park. The park was absolutely beautiful and I loved Jackson Hole….it’s a very cute little mountain town that I hope to revisit again later this winter to partake in a little skiing!

Sunday morning we ventured into Yellowstone’s “backcountry” for the start of our camping / backpacking portion of the trip. After the park ranger told us our first 3-day hike was bordering on a “bear management area”, I was a little on edge about heading out into the depths of the woods.

In typical “Nicole” fashion, I got myself worked up over nothing. Our hikes were very enjoyable (for the most part anyways….there was a 4 hour portion on day 2 where I wanted to throw myself off the mountain side because we got slightly lost, had to back track multiple miles, re-climb a few brutal mountains, all the while a HUGE blister was forming on my foot….I almost started to cry…almost!) and allowed us to see some unbelievable scenery. Our campsites were much safer and secure feeling then I was anticipating. I won’t go into detail on this topic, the whole bathroom situation wasn’t as bad as I was fearing. And while we managed to avoid any run-ins with bears, we did manage to see some pretty neat wildlife….including a moose and a whole lot of bison.

After spending 4 days in the backcountry, we spent the last two nights of our trip at the Canyon and Old Faithful Lodges within Yellowstone park. Both are historic landmarks and, coupled with the running water, hot showers, and adult beverages they offered, were welcomed stops on the trip after nearly 4 days without a real shower.

All in all, it was a fantastic trip! Great company, perfect weather, and we managed to see a lot of the attractions the park has to offer (3 of the 5 entrances, Yellowstone falls (upper and lower), grand prismatic, old faithful geyser, mammoth hot springs, lamar valley, etc.). Aside from the one enormous blister on the back of my heel, I couldn’t have asked for a better trip

Because I was on vacation for a week, I also took a week off from my marathon training. Fortunately, we calculated we hiked nearly 35 miles on our trip. Throw a 30lb backpack and some pretty brutal hills / mountains to climb on top of that, and it made for a decent week of cross training. I felt great getting back into my normal running routine last week!

I ran my first race (the Brixx 10k) in almost 2 years this past Saturday. Thanks to my incredibly supportive, encouraging, and, motivational running partner, I was able to beat my goal of 50 minutes and finish the race in 47 minutes and 49 seconds. Much better than I thought I could do…so I was very happy with my time! Because Saturday is also my long run, I had to run 2 miles before and after the race to get my full mileage in for the day. Fortunately, that was my last shorter long run for a while, and I only had to do 10 miles. This Saturday is my first truly long run…..I have to do 16 miles, and it only continues to go up from here. I’m nervous already!

In the midst of vacation, marathon training, and just living life, another milestone in my cancer journey has come and gone. Friday, September 9th marked a full year from my first round of chemo. It’s hard to believe that so much time has already passed while my memories are still so clear. I can still remember every detail about that day like it was yesterday. I talked in detail about my thoughts, emotions, and fears during chemo in a previous blog, so I’m not going to go into much detail again in this blog. You can reread if you liked to here.

Chemo Round 1

I’m continuously amazed and grateful for the magnitude of twists and turns life has thrown my way in the last year and a half. I’ve been given so many new blessings and opportunities that feel I’m humbled and incredibly fortunate on a daily basis. And while I feel unworthy a lot of times, I’m going to enjoy them all the fullest!

Speaking of blessings, my hall of fame induction is almost here. I have T minus 11 days to get my speech prepared. I can’t believe I’ve procrastinated this long and haven’t started on it yet :( I have some ideas of what I’ll say, but really just need to put pen to paper at this point. I really dislike public speaking…and am pretty nervous about the whole thing!

With the hall of fame induction nearing, so is the Charlotte Race for the Cure event. My awesome friends here in Charlotte have still created a team in my honor, despite me not being here in town that weekend :( Team Dolla Dolla Bills is back in action for a second year. If you live in Charlotte and would like to be a part of the team….please join!! They are 45 people strong right now, but are still recruiting people. And if you don’t live in Charlotte, but would still like to make a donation, the team would greatly appreciate it. You can do both here.

There will be a fundraising event next Wednesday, September 28th starting at 5:30pm at Mortimer’s Pub in the epicenter called Bingo for Boobies. The event will have some fun activities and will help raise money for team Dolla Dolla Bills. Please join if you can!!

One quick Tamoxifen update…..I haven’t started taking my new pills yet   I’ve decided I’m going to wait until October 1st.  Primarily because it’s been so nice the last month not having hot flashes….but also because I already sweat when I get nervous.  Knowing public speaking makes me nervous, and I’ll more than likely be a nervous wreck giving my hall of fame speech…I’m holding off on the pills until after my speech has taken place in an attempt to not be a sweaty mess up at the podium.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post, so I have two weeks of photos to post. Photos from 42 weeks post chemo are below….

Photos from 43 weeks post chemo are posted below…

I had my follow-up conversation today with Dr. Frenette regarding my issues with tamoxifen and to say it went the way I wanted it to go would be the understatement of the year. I’ve officially been off of tamoxifen for 3 weeks, and it has made a world of different. My night sweats have subsided almost entirely, so the thought of starting to take the pills again is disheartening to say the least.

Because my oncotype type RX score fell into the intermediate range, Dr. Frenette explained to me that I’ll see just as much benefit from taking the tamoxifen as I will from having gone through chemo. Really not the answer I was hoping to hear

Dr. Frenette is a very reasonable man and fortunately agreed that upwards of 8 night sweats a night wasn’t tolerable. He was hopeful I wouldn’t experience too many unpleasant side effects, but wasn’t surprised given I have the estrogen levels of a normal woman in her early 30s. With the low levels tamoxifen takes your estrogen to, it’s a significant difference for me….much more so than for a woman in her late 40s and approaching menopause. So after talking in detail about the issues I was having after being on the pills for 2 months, we came up with a new plan of action.

My original pills were 20mg a piece and were to be taken once daily. Dr. Frenette wrote me a new prescription for pills that are only 10mg a piece, and instead daily, I will take them every other day now. Essentially, he cut my dosage down to a ¼ of what it was. SO, I’ll give this new plan a try, and see what happens. Please say a prayer or two for me that it will be a smoother transition this time around!!

I struggled a little bit last week with my marathon training….well, really just with my long run. My long run was only 8 miles…which I have done many times in the last few months…but for some reason was a challenge for me last week. I had a martini, a glass of wine, and some not-so-healthy-but-oh-so-tasty food the night before that I’m going to place full blame on. I woke up with an upset stomach and feeling really dehydrated. Had I not had an incredibly encouraging running partner at my side for that run, I don’t think I would have finished. But thanks to his encouragement, I got through it. And fortunately, my 5 mile run on Saturday went very well, so any feelings of discouragement I had leftover from Friday morning were gone.

My updated training schedule is below. You’ll continue to see that I’m not following it to a T. I’ve had to make some changes because of other things going on. For example, I had a birthday party to go to on Saturday night where I knew I would consume an alcoholic beverage or two and wouldn’t feel like getting up to run on Sunday morning….so I had my rest day on Sunday instead of Friday, and moved my Saturday and Sunday runs both up a day.

I’m heading out of town for a full week to go camping / backpacking in Yellowstone / Jackson Hole, WY. It should be a pretty interesting trip because I’ve 1) never been camping before, 2) never been back packing before, and 3) have never been without indoor plumbing / running water before. I, without a doubt, will have a wonderful time, and see some of the most beautiful scenery our country has to offer…but not without a few awkward, uncoordinated moments

As I’ll be out of town until next weekend, I won’t be posting another blog for a little while. I hope everyone has a fantastic Labor Day, and please pray for no bear encounters!! Photos from 41 weeks post chemo are below….

Martina McBride said it best….I’m a happy girl!  There have been a lot of changes going on the last few weeks…and for the first time, in a long time, I can say I’m truly happy and content with 99% of my life…..the last 1% holding steady and strong for my dissatisfaction with Tamoxifen.  Given the “down in the dumps” tone of my blogs earlier this spring, I feel it’s important to mention how great things are now.  Not only for my own sanity, but also for others…to realize that life can be and is good after cancer!  With that being said, here are my reasons for this week to celebrate my happiness.

First, I was finally able to complete my move back into my house last weekend.  I started the process two weekends ago when my parents were in town and was able to finish the process on Sunday.  It would be really rude of me not to take a moment to thank my parents and brother for working tirelessly in the blazing 95 degree temperatures to help me move a good portion of my belongings.  Thanks guys!!

I’ve been living in an apartment for the last 6 months until my renters in my house moved out.  Living in small one bedroom apartment is pretty depressing, so being back in my own home again feels great.  The house is still in a state of utter chaos, and there are a lot of home repairs and unpacking left to do, but none-the-less, it feels amazing to be back again.  And I’m about to embark on a rather large home renovation project in the next two weeks (hopefully….home renovation work never seems to follow your desired schedule).  My project includes a kitchen upgrade, addition of a front porch, removal of a few ugly trees from my front yard, and some other small odds and ends.  I’ll post before and after photos in the near future…

Second, I started a new job last Monday….still with Bank of America.  My first week was great, and I think I’m really going to enjoy it!  It’s no longer in Technology, so my weekend work should be much more limited then what I was doing the last 2 years.  All in all, a much better work-life balance

Third, I’m in full mode marathon training.  While that may sound like a strange reason to be happy, it is for me.  I’m a very goal oriented person, so having something that I’m striving towards is a great feeling.  I have a few more weeks until I get into my longer runs (15+ miles), so it’s been very manageable so far.  And just being more active is a great feeling.  I’m more energized and high on endorphins all day long!!  I’ve come to look forward to and truly love my morning runs.  It’s a nice time to clear my head, and great way to start my morning out.

Finally, I have a lot of great people (new and old) in my life who love and care about me….and for that I feel very fortunate.  There is a lot to be said for surrounding yourself with positive influences, and it’s made the world of difference for me.  God has blessed me with great family, friendships, and relationships….and they make me smile each and every day.

Not to beat a dead horse again, but I feel like I need to touch briefly again on Tamoxifen after my blog last week.  By no means am I condoning or encouraging others to not take the drug.  I think it’s a personal decision that everyone needs to make on their own.  I personally have just come to a point where I need to make a quality of life decision for myself.  It’s been about 2 ½ weeks since I’ve stopped taking my pills, and I can honestly say I feel a difference already.  My hot flashes and night sweats have dropped by more than half and aren’t nearly as intense as they were 3 weeks ago….which makes me both very happy and frustrated at the same time.  Happy because it’s nice to have my body regulate itself naturally again, and frustrated because it’s now confirmed that the tamoxifen has been the root cause of my recent issues. 

I’m getting anxious for my appointment with Dr. Frenette next Thursday to talk through what my options are.  Best case scenario, he tells me the tamoxifen is only decreasing my rate of recurrence by 1-2%, and despite giving it the old college try, he would understand and agree with my desire to stop taking it altogether.  Worst case scenario, he tells me the tamoxifen is decreasing my rate of recurrence by a much great percentage, like 5-6%, and despite the issues I’ve been having, he would insist that I continue to take it :(  Stay tuned!

My marathon training is progressing.  I refrained from saying progressing nicely because I struggled a bit with my longer run on Saturday morning last week.  I did a tough speed training workout on Thursday morning, and then took athletic conditioning Friday morning (despite being advised by my running coach not to) which consisted of all sorts of sprinting drills for the better part of the hour.  Needless to say, my legs felt like a ton of bricks come Saturday morning….and I really struggled to finish my 11 miles. 

I learned two very good and valuable lessons in my second week of my training.  First, listen to and take the advice of people who’ve trained for and ran marathons before…they know what they’re talking about!  And second, rest is an important part of training!!  It’s ok to take a day or two off a week…and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

In looking through the next few weeks of my training schedule below, I’m quickly approaching the longer runs I’ve been dreading since I decided to commit to the marathon about a month ago.  My stomach is in knots just thinking about it.  I’ve done two ½ marathons before, so 13 miles is the longest I’ve gone…and by the time I’d completed my 13 miles, my legs felt so spent that running another mile, let alone another 13 miles felt impossible.  I’m hoping with the proper amount of rest and good nutrition, I’ll be able to get through them without too much of an issue. 

You’ll also notice that my Wednesday runs start to get higher in mileage in a few weeks, which means I’ll have to start getting up earlier and earlier as the weeks progress.  I’m a morning runner.  The thought of having to wait all day long and run in the evening is just awful.  There’s nothing better than the feeling of looking at the clock at 8am and knowing you’ve already ran 10 miles.  It’s a great way to start the day!! 

I have a friend who writes a blog all about her triathlon training and races.  She’s a far stronger athlete then I’ll ever be, but none the less is a motivation for me to train harder.  She recently wrote her top 10 reasons why it’s better to work out in the morning vs. the evening.  I couldn’t agree more with her list, and she conveyed the benefits much better then I ever could…so I’m going to share it below.  You can check out her entire blog here.
1.  The weight of the big workout hangs over your head all day

2.  The heat sucks at night

3.  The wear and tear on your legs all day certainly must have an effect on how fresh your legs are 10 hours later.

4.  Races are in the morning, so why not get that body prepped for that 4:00am alarm at 6:30am gun time?

5.  Working out in the morning also prepares your tummy to operate on one simple meal.  By night time, most people have had breakfast, coffee, snacks, lunch, etc etc.  The chance of something upsetting your stomach by 6pm is much greater than after your simple old breakfast.

6. Very few things can “pop up” in your day at 5:30/6am.  Most bosses aren’t scheduling 5:30am meetings, no friends are begging you to come out for a drink at 5:30am, and that migraine typically hasn’t set in just yet

7.  You can wind down better at night.  You can spend QT with your significant other, hang out with your pets, and just chill out!

8.  The endorphins really do stay with you all day!

9.  If you wake up and aren’t feeling “into” your workout, at least you have the option to go later in the day.  If you aren’t feeling “into”your workout at 6pm, you’re pretty much out of options.  Looks like a miss on that schedule.

10.  It gets your metabolism going and rocking all day long!    Calories be burning!

I’d encourage everyone to give morning workouts a try!  Yes the first few days/weeks will be tough.  It’s a process to get your body adjusted to that 5am wake up call.  But I promise, once it becomes part of your daily routine, you’ll never turn back!! 

I’m embarrassed to admit that I missed my morning run this morning L  I was extremely tired, and snoozed for a full hour!  And just like #1 above states, the weight of needing to run 6 miles this evening after work is definitely hanging over my head!!

And that’s about all for now….photos from 40 weeks post chemo are below….

After countless attempts to will and talk myself into thinking Tamoxifen wasn’t impacting me, it’s time to face reality.  Tamoxifen and its side effects sucks!!  I don’t know how women can take the drug for 5 years, let alone 5 months.  I’m embarrassed to admit that I lasted a measly 2 ½ months before I stopped taking my pills and made a frantic call into Dr. Frenette, my chemo oncologist, to schedule an emergency appointment to talk to him about my options.

You’re probably asking yourself what could have happened in the last 2 ½ months that could cause such a strong reaction.  If you’ve read my previous blogs, you’ll know that one of the worst things for me during chemo was the hot flashes and night sweats.  Well unfortunately, in the 2+ months I’ve been taking my Tamoxifen pills, they’ve come back with a vengeance. 

It’s not really the hot flashes that are the issue, it’s the night sweats!  I’ve never in my life experienced anything like it.  I can be shivering cold can’t get enough blankets one minute, then be dripping sweat tearing the blankets off a mere 60 seconds later.  And it happens ALL NIGHT LONG…..at least 6 or 7 times a night.  It’s like a tidal wave of heat comes over my body, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  I just have to let it run its course (usually about 3 – 4 minutes before I cool off again), and wait for the next one to hit.

It’s really quite frustrating!  It doesn’t matter what I do….sleep naked, sleep with a fan on, sleep without covers, think cold thoughts when a hot flash is coming…..it’s entirely out of my control.  And as much as I’d like to blame it on the extreme heat we’ve been having in Charlotte, I don’t think that’s the case.  It’s pretty amazing how 73 pills can wreak such havoc on my body.

I’ve got an appointment with Dr. Frenette on September 1^st to talk through my options.  I don’t really know what direction I’m leaning towards at this point.  The thought of living the next 5 years of my life dealing with the night sweats I’ve been having scares the hell out of me.  But I also want to be smart about my decision to ultimately give up on the Tamoxifen.  I need to better understand how much I am gaining my taking it….and weigh that against the risks of not taking it.  It will ultimately come down to a quality of life decision for me.  So, for the time meantime, I’m going to enjoy a few weeks sans Tamoxifen…and hope my body will regulate itself again and I can have a few weeks hot-flash free.

I realize I’ve been pretty untimely in my blogs the last month.  I’m honestly running out of meaningful things to write about!!  Hard to believe I know J  With that being said, please let me know if you have any topics you’d like me to talk to….or you’ll be left with me rambling about my oh-so-exciting life!

Last Monday marked my first official week of marathon training.  I’m following an 18-week program, and am now 12 ½ weeks out from my half marathon and 16 ½ weeks out from my full marathon.  I got my training program off of the Hal Higdon website, and am planning to follow the intermediate II program…with a few slight modifications.  Here’s what I’ve got ahead of me….

It’s going to be a long fall/winter….but it will feel so great to cross the finish line come December 10^th!!

Photos from 39 weeks post chemo are below:

It seems like an easy enough question, but I always struggle to answer it when people ask.  My initial reaction is typically to blurt out some smart ass response about how much I hate my ‘fro and make a lame attempt at a joke.  Because I don’t wear my wigs at all anymore, I’m asked this question all the time and the novelty of making a joke of it is definitely starting to wear off.

SO, do I like my curly hair?  I like, and am very thankful, to have hair again.  Six months ago I was still pretty much bald.  I had a very fine covering of peach fuzz all over my head, but you still had a good view of my bare scalp.

To look back at those pictures, realizing only 6 months have gone by since the photos were taken, I feel almost remiss or ungrateful not to give the question a second thought.  Today, I have a very full, thick head of curly hair.  Gone are the days where I look like I am a recovering chemo patient…at least in my own mind anyways.  I’ve wrote about this before, but I am truly amazed and shocked at the number of compliments and amount of positive feedback I get on my hair on a daily basis.  And it’s not just from people who are aware of my situation, but from complete strangers as well.  I was stopped on the streets of uptown Charlotte Saturday evening by a woman who wanted to know who cut my hair, because she wanted to get her hair cut in similar fashion to mine.  Really???

A very kind and wise person reminded me that despite how I feel about my hair, it actually looks really good.  That the majority of women would love to have pixie cut at some point in their life, but would never have the courage to cut it on their own.  That I’m fortunate because not everyone can carry off the short ‘fro like I do.  And that I’m lucky, because apparently it suits me and my personality very well

Point was taken.  I need to start embracing my curls!  I’m turning over a new leaf.  From here on out, there’ll be no more hate jokes made against my curls (at least not in public, I reserve the right to still harbor a little ill will in the privacy of my own home).  It will be all appreciation and gratitude for even having hair.  I’ll graciously accept people’s compliments on my hair, and just say thank you…..because bottom line, I am very thankful…thankful to be alive, thankful to be healthy again, and thankful to have hair!

It’s been 2 weeks since my last post (:() so there’s quite a bit to provide updates on.

I had my final check-up with Dr. Crimaldi, my radiation oncologist last Tuesday.  Because I was the “ideal patient” (Dr. C’s words not mine) and am fully healed from radiation, that was my last visit.  It makes me a little sad because I really liked Dr. Crimaldi and all of the nurses at Charlotte Radiology.

Thanks to some suggestions, I have two places I’m looking into to donate my wigs.  The first is the Buddy Kemp Cancer Support Center.  This is an organization in Charlotte that loans wigs, and other support services, to cancer patients free of charge.  They have a lending boutique which is open to all cancer patients to go to and borrow hats, scarves, wigs, etc.  The second is Carolina Breast Friends.  CBF is an organization committed to uniting and helping women with breast cancer at all stages of survival.  It’s centered on creating a social and education outlet for women.  They have great monthly meeting offerings to both survivors and those currently battling breast cancer.  Both are great organizations, so maybe I’ll just split the wigs and donate to both!

The Tour de France contest at work also ended.  I finished in 5^th place with a solid 125 miles….which made me very happy!  Normally a 5^th place finish would be a disappointment, but I was competing against cyclers….running is much harder…so I’m pretty confident had it of been a running only challenge, I would have placed first ;)  I finally got new running shoes, because my blister situation has progressively gotten worse…so I’m hopeful the new shoes will be a better fit for me.

And while I’m on the topic of cycling, I was able to be on the sidelines for an awesome charity race that took place in Charlotte this weekend……24 Hours of Booty.  24 Hours of Booty is affiliated with the Lance Armstrong Foundation and supports the Levine Cancer Institute here in Charlotte.  (Side note:  this is the same charity I participated in the fashion show for a few months back)  The race consisted of ~1200 cyclers from around the Carolina’s area who cycled around the Booty Loop on and off for 24 hours to raise money for cancer research.  It was an incredible experience, even as a spectator, and I’m really looking forward to being a participant next year!

And in very exciting news….I’m officially committed to the Kiawah Marathon on December 10^th!  I signed up and paid my entry fee yesterday, so there’s no backing out now.  I’ve got 4 months and 8 days to train!  I need to decide which marathon training guide I’m going to follow, but when I do I’ll be sure to post what it is and my progress to the plan.

Because I didn’t post last week, photos from 37 weeks post chemo are below…

…and now photos from 38 week post chemo…

The time has finally come for my wigs to be sent to their final resting place…aka their styrofoam heads on a shelf in my closet…for good.  Despite my best efforts to finagle, tuck, pin, spray down, manipulate my hair to fit under my wig, it just wasn’t happening anymore.

I had a golf outing for work back in the middle of June, and because of the heat / humidity of the south, it wasn’t really practical to wear my wig.  Thanks to that event, I was forced made the decision to sport my new curls for the masses of co-workers that came out (and avoided a day in the office) instead of wearing my wig and having my face melt off.

I was pleasantly surprised by everyone’s reaction.  A lot of people didn’t even recognize me at first….which I always find funny.  I personally don’t think I look that different, but I guess my long blonde hair was very recognizable trait for me.  Most people first commented on how cute they thought my hair was (apparently short hair is very becoming on me…who knew!), and then followed that up with a comment around how curly it was.  Yes, I have very curly hair right now!!  Several people congratulated me for having the balls confidence to say screw it and go without my wig…to which I replied and told them had it not been 100+ degrees outside I’d still be wearing my wig.  And surprisingly, there were still the few people who commented on how they couldn’t believe I cut all my hair off, only to be informed pretty quickly by whoever else was around that the afro-puff I now sported on my head was not an elective decision I made, but rather a volun-told hair style change mandated from the big man upstairs.

Side bar:  I guess I was still surprised that there were still people who weren’t aware of my unfortunate stroke of bad luck the last year.  From the very beginning, I made the decision that I wanted to be completely upfront with family, friends, co-workers, and just get everything out in the open about my cancer.  The idea that everyone would find out around the same time and I’d be limited to maybe a few weeks of shock, questions, reliving my diagnosis was much more appealing to me as opposed to not sharing my news and it slowly trickling out resulting in months of telling the same story over and over again.  And not that I think I’m soooo interesting that people are always concerned about what’s going on in my life, I just wasn’t expecting to experience that shock again from someone just finding out.

Whatever the reasons are for not wearing my wig anymore, I have to admit it’s been really nice!  Gone are the days of stressing about whether someone can tell that I have a wig on.  Gone are the days of scratching my scalp all day long because despite wearing my wig for almost 6 full months, it still felt foreign on my head.  And gone are the days of wondering if the next strong breeze was going to be the one to send my wig flying off my head and tumbling down the street.

I’m going on my 4^th week without my wig now, and to sum it up in one word, it’s been really liberating.  Maybe it’s because I just don’t care what people think about me and my fro anymore.  Maybe it’s because I’m just plain fed up with worrying about my wig all day long.  Or maybe it’s because I have a lot of positive influence around me and I’m just very happy and comfortable with where my life is at right now.  Whatever the reason, I’m thankful to have the courage to put my weave to bed…once and for all.

I’d like to find some way or place to donate my wigs to now that I’m not using them anymore.  I spent way too much money on those suckers….all 3 of them….for them to sit in a closet collecting dust now.  And I really only used the one on a consistent basis, the other 2 were used a handful of times at most.  I’m sure there are other women out there who are need in wigs…so why not help someone else gain back a little of the confidence that my wigs brought me.  I guess I have some research to do….because I’m not too sure Salvation Army would be the best place to make my donation.  If anyone knows of a non-profit location that handles wig donations, please let me know.  Even if it’s not in Charlotte, I can always mail them.  Thanks!

The weeks, and summer, are really flying by…and thankfully that means my hair is getting longer and longer.  I officially have a solid 3 inches of hair on the sides, back, and top of my head, and 2.5 inches on the front.  It doesn’t look that long in my photos because it’s curled up so tightly against my head, but I assure you it’s there.  I’m very curious to see at what point the weight of my hair will pull the curls out so they hang more loosely.  You, of course, will all be the first to know because I’ll post pictures of it

I’ve been running more then I think I’ve ever run in my life the last month….and have the blisters to prove it.  Turns out my latest sneakers aren’t just pink and ugly…..they’re not a very good fit for my foot.  I need to remedy that situation quickly because my toes really hurt!!  I joined a Tour de France contest at work which has helped put my running into high gear.  Essentially, everyone participating has the few weeks that the Tour de France lasts to bike 100 miles.  Because I don’t currently cycle, I decided to join in the fun but run instead.  It’s been really great, and I’ve put more miles in on a weekly basis then I ever imagined.  After my run yesterday, I’m up to 92 miles…8 more to go with 6 days left! 

Because I’ve been running so much, and have been able to get down to a decent pace in a few weeks…and because I have a fantastic (and very motivational) new running coach….I’ve decided to sign up for a ½ marathon here in Charlotte the second weekend in November.  The ½ marathon will be right around my 1 year anniversary of completing chemo….so what better way to celebrate that then be in good enough shape to run a half marathon.  F!#$ you cancer!!  :)

And because I’ve been able to get my mileage up pretty quickly, I’m toying with the idea of running a full marathon in December.  I’ve always said I wanted to run a full marathon, I just haven’t ever had the discipline or drive to train for it.  I’m 90% sure I’m going to do it at this point….and I feel more determined than ever that it’s going to happen.  I think I’ll just have to sign up and contractually commit myself to do it.  Not that I couldn’t get out of signing up for a race, but if I pay the money, I won’t back out.  I pride myself on not being a quitter!!

The only other noteworthy thing to mention is that Sunday marked the 1 year anniversary from my lumpectomy surgery.  The day would have passed without me even realizing it had my mom not called and mentioned it.  I find that to be a very exciting lapse in memory on my part.  My life was ruled by cancer appointments, milestones, etc for the longest time….so the fact that this milestone, as small as it may be, passed as such a non-event is further validation that there is life after cancer!  And that ladies and gentlemen is incredibly exciting!

Photos from 36 weeks post chemo are below……

In an unfortunate twist of fate, two events I was really looking forward to this fall are scheduled for the same weekend.  My Hall of Fame induction and Charlotte’s Komen Race for the Cure are both set for the weekend of October 1^st and 2^nd.  Serious bummer!!

As much as I love and support the Komen organization, I’m regretfully going to have to skip the race this year….and I’m really disappointed about it.  The race was such a great highlight for me during a really crappy time last year.  I had just finished my second round of chemo and my hair was officially falling out in clumps.  So it was definitely a lift to my spirits having my family, friends, and co-workers come out and support me.

Using the word support to describe it really is an understatement.  Lead by my friends Beth and Janelle, my co-workers put a team together called “eComm Team Nicole” with right around 100 people signing up.  They organized multiple fundraising events (happy hour, bake sale, bbq lunch) as well as a post race breakfast for everyone who came out and participated.  I can’t remember exact numbers, but I think we raised close to $15,000.  Not too bad!!

A second team was also created in my name by Brandii, my coach from the LadyCats.  That team was called “Dolla Dolla Bills” and had around 60 or 70 past and current dancers and their families.  Thanks to a great happy hour fundraiser at Mortimer’s Bar, that team raised close to $5000.

I was (and still am) very humbled by the amount of effort, time, support, and encouragement shown to me during that time….and am really sad I can’t participate this year.  I think back to the race last year and remember how nervous and self-conscious I was to see everyone because I had really started losing my hair at that point.  And now that I’m officially a survivor, with a full head of curly, fro-like hair, I’m sad that I can’t organize a team and participate on more celebratory terms this year.  I know there’s always next year….and I can guarantee you there will be a Team ChiaGal…..but I can’t help but feel like I’m abandoning a great cause this year

Clearly by missing the race this year I’ve decided to go to my Hall of Fame induction instead.  The Hall of Fame is an opportunity that only comes around once in a lifetime, where the Race for the Cure is every year….so it was a pretty easy (but still bitter sweet) decision to make.  If only I had gone to school in the south, I might have been able to manage squeezing both into the same weekend!!

So, if anyone finds themselves on Central Michigan’s campus Saturday, October 2^nd, come to the game and say hi!  I am fortunate to have the majority of my family in very close driving distance to Mt. Pleasant, so hopefully we’ll plan a big tailgate or something fun before the game.  The more the merrier!!  You can watch me walk….hopefully not trip because I seem to be a bit of klutz these days…across the field at half time.

Photos from 35 weeks post chemo are below….

The veins in my left arm have officially been compromised.  The large, plump, easy to prick veins I once had have been replaced with scarred over versions of their former selves.

I had my first post surgery breast MRI last week.  Part of the MRI procedure includes getting an IV.  Photos of my boobs are taken without dye…the dye is administered through the IV…then the same photos are taken again.  My surgeon wanted me to get an MRI to have as baseline for what the tissue looks like in my boobs today to use as a reference for the years to come.  Younger woman, like myself, have much denser breast tissue so mammograms aren’t always that effective.

I’m happy to report that my results came back clear….and everything looks great!  I’m not so happy to report that my veins have been officially deemed as poor quality by the MRI technician. 

Because I had lymph nodes removed (to be used as a means to determine if my cancer had spread) from my right arm during my lumpectomy, every stick, blood draw, iv, etc in the last year…and for the rest of my life for that matter….was done using the veins in my left arm.  And those poor veins are feeling the effects.

The technician had a little bit of a struggle getting the IV in my arm before the MRI started because of the built up scar tissue in the vein she chose.  Her struggling resulted in the IV insertion being pretty painful…and when she commented on how my vein had a lot of scar tissue she needed to push through, I about passed out.  I immediately broke out into a sweat and felt very light headed.  After I downed a can of ginger ale and the nurses fanned me for about 20 minutes, I felt back to normal and the MRI could begin. 

Aside from a continual discomfort at the IV site, thanks to the scar tissue, the rest of the MRI was pretty uneventful!  And thankfully I won’t need to get another one of those for a full year….plenty of time for my veins to continue to heal!!

I also met with a plastic surgeon today to talk about what my potential reconstruction options are, if I so choose to go down that path.  Like I’ve mentioned before, the residual damage from 2 surgeries isn’t noticeable to the average eye….any reconstruction I would consider would be for the sole purpose of making myself feel better about boob.

The plastic surgeon talked me through my different options….which is pretty much anything falling under the breast augmentation / reconstruction umbrella.  She said it appears that the tissue on my scar connected to other tissue during the healing process, which is why I see the slight difference in my boobs now.  The least invasive option would be for her to make a small incision under my lumpectomy scar and clean up the scar tissue underneath.  She’s not confident that that procedure would get me the results that I want….so she also through options of a breast lift, and a breast lift with implants into the mix as well.

Side note:  she made it very clear that I don’t need a breast lift, but that that procedure may be my only option to fix my beloved boob.  I just wanted to make that very clear to anyone reading this post…so you don’t leave with a mental image of me having floppy jalopies for boobs!

So I have a big decision to make over the next 6 – 8 weeks.  I can’t do anything from a reconstruction standpoint until I am 6 months out from radiation…which would be middle of August.  In the meantime, I’m probably going to get a few second opinions from different plastic surgeons to see if they also agree with the options I was presented with today.

And here’s my silver lining for the hell the last year has been….my insurance is required by law to cover 100% of any reconstruction I choose to undergo…not only on my cancer boob, but also on my non-cancer boob to maintain symmetry.  Which means I can get that big set of fake boobies I’ve been dreaming for the last 20 years if I want!  Kidding of course…I have no desire to look like Dolly Parton…but it is nice to know I can potentially walk away from this whole cancer situation with a great set of boobs!! 

July 1^st marked my first full month on Tamoxifen.  I’m happy to report that it hasn’t been nearly as bad as I was expecting.  There is a slight chance I was making a bigger deal of it in my head then necessary!  The only real side effect I’ve noticed…and on a small scale…is that I sometimes have mild night sweats.  Nothing even close to the magnitude I experienced during chemo….but a little annoying none the less.  But because we are in the heat of summer in the south, I can’t say with confidence that that my night sweats aren’t a result of the 1000% humidity in Charlotte right now.  I guess I’ll see how they progress as fall approaches.

Hope everyone had a fantastic 4^th of July!  Photos from 34 weeks post chemo are below….

The last year has been one filled with many different challenges, so what better way to celebrate the culmination of that then with a long weekend of bad decision making quality girl time in Vegas with a couple of the best friends a girl could ask for!  Ashley, Panama Jack Amanda, and I took the early flight out on Thursday morning, and JB  met us there later that night to kick off the trip we’ll forever call Viva Las Cancer!

Viva Las Cancer, often times used interchangeably with Viva Lost Cancer, is a new catch-phrase the girls and I coined after a long day of drinking relaxing at the pool (at the time, it was more likely pronounced Vivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Las Cancer!).  The most common reaction we received when answering the question “Why are you guys in Vegas” was “you’re shitting me!”.  I don’t know why we (or who for that matter) would lie about being on a trip to celebrate surviving cancer.  Maybe they thought it was a ploy to get free drinks (coincidentally we did receive more free celebratory drinks then we could have ever imagined) or maybe it’s just because most people probably aren’t as open about cancer as I am.  Whatever the reason, it was always an interesting conversation starter!

Some may not see the humor or appreciate the light-heartedness of it, but we really felt that the trip truly was a celebration, and should be referenced as such.  I think we may get t-shirts made for our return trip next year….because yes girls, I’ve already made the decision there’ll be a Viva Las Cancer part duex trip next year

The girls and I stayed at a fairly new hotel called Aria located in Center City.  Big thanks to Billy and Belissa for helping us get hooked up with a great rate!  Here’s a short synopsis of our trip:

Day 1:  After checking into the hotel, Ashley, Amanda, and I headed down to the pool for a little sun, quick photo op (thank you Brandii for proofing or photos because the sun was so bright we couldn’t see them!), and our first few cocktails…a Remedy Lemonade, a Miami Vice, and a Mediation X.  They were all very tasty!!

After spending a few hours at the pool, we went back to the room in anticipation of JB’s arrival and took advantage of the downtime to sneak in a nap because 1) we all got up really early to make our 7:55am flight, and 2) we’re old(ish) and don’t go out until all hours of the night very regularly.  When JB finally made it to the hotel, we showered up and set out to take on the Vegas night!  We decided to try Haze nightclub (in Aria) and were very happy with our decision!  Pretty quickly after entering the club, we found ourselves at the table of our new friend Corey, the guy who runs the Wet Republic pool party.  Haze played great music, so we spent the majority of the night dancing and chatting with our new friends.  After the club closed, we made a quick stop at a house party in a MTV style mansion (just two seconds off the strip) and we made our way back to our hotel room.  Check in time:  approximately 4:30am.  Not bad for our first night!

Day 2:  Thanks to our new friend Corey, we had VIP access to the Wet Republic pool party on Friday.  AND he hooked us up by putting us in a cabana over-looking the entire pool area.  It was much less crowded and we were far removed from the jersey shore antics in the main pool, so we were pretty excited.  The free alcohol was nice too!  AND we had a prime seat for the Josh Strickland bikini contest that afternoon.  Apparently the new thing is to wear bikinis held together with fishing wire.  I was fully anticipating a wardrobe malfunction or two at some point throughout the contest….whether planned or unplanned….but everything held tight.  Who knew fishing wire was so durable!

After a long day at the pool, we headed back to our hotel to get ready for a highly anticipated dinner at Sushi Samba.  Unfortunately Sushi Samba isn’t located in Cesar’s Palace (good job Amanda!), so we ended up dining at an unmemorable sushi restaurant that served frozen edimame. Yum!

We finished our second rate sushi and headed over to the Cosmopolitan hotel, also in Center City.  We had heard that Marquis nightclub was a lot of fun and wanted to check it out.  There was a DJ from Sweden “spinning” that night, and house music isn’t really our favorite genre, so we were a bit disappointed with it.  The club itself was really nice, despite the 6 flights of stairs we had to walk up to actually get in, but the ambiance left much to be desired.  We stayed about an hour then left and went over to Jet nightclub for the remainder of the night.  Check in time:  approximately 3am.  We needed to conserve some energy for our last night.

Day 3:  The group was a little slower moving Saturday morning, so we didn’t make it out to the pool until after noon.  Shortly after finding our spot at the pool, we met our new favorite friends from Toronto (who were in town for a bachelor party).  What up Andrew and Brent!!  We spent the better part of the afternoon and evening with the Canucks.  After a few 32 oz cocktails at the pool, we were pretty tipsy tired and headed in to get some food.  It was at this point in the trip that we coined our catch-phrase “Viva Las Cancer”.  The sun, the cocktails, and the lack of food were all contributing factors in our new found creativity

Because we had such a great time at Haze on Thursday night, and because our friends from Canada were planning to head there, we ended up back at Haze again. Like I said….they played really great music!!  We danced the night away and had a great time on our final night in Vegas!  Check in time:  approximately 3:30am….just enough time to pack up all of the clothes we didn’t wear (because we’re all notorious over-packers) and get a few quick hours of sleep before our 8am wake-up call.

All in all it was one of the best trips I’ve taken in a long time…..and was exactly what I needed to celebrate surviving cancer and having my life back!!  Made some new friends and a lot of great memories!!  AND it really pays to be a girl (with hot friends) in Vegas I might add.  People literally chase you down the sidewalk, casino, pool area; you name it to get you to come to their establishments!

I’m not a fan of inside jokes, but this was such a great trip and there are so many things I want to remember…so I’m going to put down a few of my favorite quotes from the trip below.  More for my (and Ashley and Amanda and JB’s) memory than anything else.  If you care to know more about any of them, ask me!

• “You guys didn’t tell me I looked like Panama Jack!”
• “I’ll be sure to check my bag next time.”
• “Good ole’ floppy jalopy.”
• “2 seconds, just 2 seconds.”
• “You’ve got a really nice shitter.”
• “Raw-hide!”
• “How’s that convention center coming along?”
• “You’ve got really curly hair.”
• “I’m keeping my body in the water so you guys will still be interested in me.”
• “Quit talking to the girl that I like.”
• “Good job Amanda!!”
• “Where’s the facebook phone?”
• “Don’t forget your bangles”
• “VIP everywhere”
• “It’s Tyler Christy from Liquid/Haze, can I add you to the VIP list?”
• “It’s not Vegas until someone pukes twice!”
• “Vivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Las Cancer!!”

I had what should be my last post surgery check-up with Dr. Turk last Monday.  He said everything looked really good!  The ribs surrounding my right boob had been consistently sore for the last few months.  He assured me that was a common side effect of radiation and would slowly decrease over time.  He did want me to get another breast MRI to have a good baseline set of films to reference in the years to come….so I have one scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9:30am.  Not the biggest fan of the MRI because it requires getting an IV for the contrast needed to get good pictures…and we all know I have a huge fear of needles!  Hopefully it will be quick and painless and I’ll be out of there in under an hour.  Dr. Turk also confirmed that I could start talking to a plastic surgeon about making whatever cosmetic repairs to my right boob that I desired.  After setting me up with an appointment with the plastic surgeon he recommended, he gave me a hug and sent me on my way.

The only other thing really worthy of talking about…at least that I can remember right now…is that I have a new found obsession  with Words With Friends.  It’s a cell phone application that allows you to play online scrabble against your friends.  If you currently play, and would like to sign up to play, and want to challenge me to a game, my screen name is nbills511.  Be scared!!

 Photos from 33 weeks post chemo are will be posted tomorrow.  I’m stuck in a control room at work right now and can’t get them to send from my phone.

Saturday marked a full year from my breast cancer diagnosis. It still seems like yesterday I was sitting at my desk at work when I got the phone call. And yes, I was called at work and told over the phone that I had cancer. Not sure I ever really put much thought into how I would want to find out I had cancer before that day….but I am pretty sure receiving a phone call at work wouldn’t be at the top of the list!

Thinking back to that day, the thing I remember most was the overwhelming sense of fear I had. Fear of not really knowing what my diagnosis meant. Fear of having a something inside of my body that could kill me. Fear of chemotherapy and all the other treatments I was sure to have to undergo. Fear of losing my hair (yes, that was one of the first things running through my mind). Fear of the unknown. And an overpowering fear of dying.

I initially thought I had been handed a death sentence…..that my future was being stripped away from me and that I didn’t have a say in the matter. That’s the scariest thing about cancer. You find out you have it, and it takes some time to fully understand and know what your diagnosis means. The first few weeks you assume the worst…and then as time progresses, you learn more about your specific situation and your doctor’s develop a treatment plan. For me personally, once I had my plan and knew what the next few months would hold I was able to wrap my head around things more. The sense of feeling helpless and like you have no control subsided a lot.

I’m asked how cancer has changed me quite a bit…and I think I always say the same thing in response. It may sound crazy, but cancer has really been a blessing in disguise of sorts for me.

I’m much more outspoken then I used to be. And while that may not always be a positive, for me it was. I bit my tongue a lot before and didn’t speak my mind very freely for fear of upsetting people. So in the end, I was the one who would continuously be disappointed or frustrated because I couldn’t say what I wanted or needed. And not that I spew random demands out of my mouth now, I’ve just realized and accepted that it’s ok to vocalize what I want even if it means I anger, upset, disappoint someone else. They’ll get over it eventually right?!

I’m a more confident person. This sounds very superficial, but the majority of my self-confidence came from the way I looked before cancer. By no means am I claiming to be Heidi Klum, but my confidence was always boosted by being athletic / in shape and feeling pretty. When you pack on 20 lbs and lose all your hair, that doesn’t work so well anymore. I had to learn how to feel good about myself at any shape and size and realize that I have a lot more to offer outside of looks. Turns out I have a pretty good personality!!

 I’m overall just a happier person. I realized that it’s ok to put myself and my own happiness first…which goes hand in hand with speaking more freely. I don’t (at least the majority of the time anyways) sweat the small stuff anymore. I used to be so stressed out about every little aspect of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still do stress out at times, I’ve just realized a lot of things that felt like they were the end of the world before….really aren’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Life is way too short and fragile to be unhappy!

Summed up, I’m in a much better, healthier, and happier place then I was. And while life has thrown me some crazy curveballs over the last year, I’ve grown from each of them and am very thankful to be where I am today….alive!!

It’s been a really busy and exciting last two weeks. I went on a post-cancer celebration trip with a few girlfriends two weekends ago….hence my lack of blog last week. Vegas is really hard to recover from!! I didn’t feel “normal” again until probably 3 days later! I’ll write more about my Vegas trip next week….after I decide how much of what happened in Vegas will stay in Vegas! ;)

I also had my first post cancer mammogram a week and a half ago. I didn’t think I’d get my results that day, but I did and everything looked clean! I was surprised at how painful the mammogram was on my cancer side. Granted, I don’t compress my boobs on a regular basis, but I don’t really have any pain in that boob anymore….not even when I exercise, so I was expecting it to be just the typical state of uncomfortable. I was definitely wrong!

And probably the most exciting news is that I was notified last week that I was selected to be inducted into my college’s athletic Hall of Fame! I believe there is only one other gymnast who’s been picked…so I feel really honored. I don’t know much about it yet, other than the induction will take place this fall…I think half time at a football game…so I’ll be heading back to campus again for the first time in years!!

I meet with my surgeon today for the first time since my post surgery check-up.  He’ll check and see how I’m healing since 4 months have passed from completing radiation.  I think I’m at the point where I could see a plastic surgeon now…if I so choose…to make my boob look normal again.  Not that it looks completely abnormal, in all honesty you can’t really tell that it looks any different unless I’m naked, but I’d still like to get it fixed for me!

I’m posting both last week and this week’s photos below. Here are photo’s from 31 weeks post cancer…..

And now photos from 32 weeks post chemo…