Thank you so much for all of the positive comments and thoughts sent my way after my last blog post.  It definitely wasn’t how I envisioned things to happen in my head, but I’ve had some time now to digest it all and have a much better outlook on the surgeries I’ll be having in the next 4-5 months and am ready to get the show on the road!  That’s the thing about life….just when you think things are settling down nicely, a crazy curveball is thrown your way juuuuuuuust to keep things interesting

I found out that my next surgery will be Thursday, May 30^th.  As a recap, Dr. Harper will remove the implant on my right side, clean-up/remove all of the hard/scar tissue once again, put in an expander, and reposition my nipple.  I’m not sure what if anything he’ll be doing on my left side.

Following this surgery, I’ll have two months of weekly injections into the expander.  I’m not exactly sure how that works.  After the last 3 years, I’m still deathly afraid of needles…so I’m hoping the process isn’t what I’m envisioning in my head…Dr. Harper walks in with a syringe full of saline and essentially just sticks me in the boob to inject it into the expander.  I can’t really think of any other way to accomplish the task at hand, so I’m guessing this is my only option.  Maybe I’ll do a video blog of one of the weekly injections to share with you all how exactly it works.

If these next few procedures don’t make me look normal again, I’m not sure what the plan will be.  Worst case scenario, Dr. Harper mentioned that he’d probably need to take some skin and tissue from my back….to help form a new boob in the event of expansion failure.  I’m not on board with this plan at all….and really had to fight back tears when he started talking about that.  I don’t want a big scar on my back…despite it being under my bra line.  The scars I have right now are reminder enough of my cancer…I really don’t want to add to them.

I sometimes wish I would have just had the mastectomy 3 years ago and been done with it.  I wasn’t prepared to make that decision then, but looking back, if I had to do it all over again, I would’ve said cut them off and not have thought twice about it.  I’ve seen some pretty amazing post mastectomy reconstructions over the last two years…ones that look way better than mine and it just makes me wonder.  I realize the grass isn’t always greener…but the more time goes one, the more I wish I would have made a different decision back then.

In happier news, I had my big appointment with Dr. Frenette two weeks…and I’m so happy to report that the conversation went really well!!  The appointment was my standard 6 month check-up, but also to discuss the possibility of having children within the next year.

The plan I have laid out in my head….get married in October, get pregnant shortly thereafter J  I’ve been stressing about this conversation with Dr. Frenette pretty much since my last appointment 6 months ago.  I brought it up to him at that point to prep him that I wanted to have a serious conversation about it….which he said we could do at my next appointment (two weeks ago).

Fortunately, Dr. Frenette doesn’t see any compelling reasons why he wouldn’t be comfortable with me trying to get pregnant following the wedding.  He said that studies are finding now that being pregnancy doesn’t actually increase your risk of recurrence….his primary concern is just the amount of time I’m off of my tamoxifen.  So basically, he wants me to start taking my tamoxifen again immediately after a baby is born. 

He advises against breastfeeding, ultimately because it would prolong my tamoxifen-free time….but that’s a decision I need to make on my own.  Because of the radiation and all the surgeries removing tissue, it’s very unlikely that I would even produce milk on my right side….so this may not even be something I need to decide on…my body may decide it on its own.

He also mentioned that studies are finding that if you eat healthy and maintain a regular exercise schedule, which I do, your rate of recurrence is lowered by about the same percentage as taking tamoxifen.  Essentially, if I continue to eat healthy and exercise during pregnancy, which is the plan, I will see the same benefits as the tamoxifen alone.  I wonder if that also means that if I work out twice as much as the recommended 3-4 hours a week I could eliminate tamoxifen completely from my life.  Probably not, but a girl can dream!

All in all, it was a very positive conversation.  And as of this last appointment, I switch to yearly appointments instead of every 6 months.  So next time I see Dr. Frenette I’ll hopefully be with child.

I don’t have any of my regular pictures to post right now.  Andrew has been in Italy the last 8 days and my hair is too long in back to take the pictures myself anymore. What can I say….#longhairproblems

I do have some of our engagement pictures that I can share!!  We had them done about 3 weeks ago now…and we love them!  Julie Staley from Old South Studios did an awesome job!!!  Here are a few of my favorites, but you can see more on her blog at:  http://oldsouthstudios.com/engagement-session-at-the-vanlandingham-estatecharlotte-nc/

I had my 4 month post op appointment with Dr. Harper last Friday and it really didn’t go the way I was hoping.  Instead of spending my time convincing Dr. Harper how we could get everything done with this next surgery and make it my last, he spent the appointment explaining to me why we needed reset the whole reconstruction process and start again from square one.  Hmph

I wrote previously about how the skin in my right boob (cancer boob) isn’t stretching the way it should with the implant in there and really causing things to look less than ideal again.  You never know how skin will react after radiation…and well, mine isn’t behaving very well.  We removed all of the hard, scarred tissue during my first surgery…but it’s unfortunately built up again over the course of the last 6 months.  I don’t know if it’s the firmness of the tissue that’s preventing the proper stretching from happening, if it’s a continued side effect from radiation, or if my boob is just plain stubborn, but here’s where “square one” comes into play.

Surgery 1 take 2 will involve Dr. Harper removing my implant, cleaning out / removing all of the hard tissue that I have, and repositioning my nipple.  Because there’s a good amount of tissue that will be removed and my skin has a proven history of not acting as it should…he’ll be putting an expander in my right side instead of a new implant.  For the following two months, I’ll have to make weekly trips to the doctor’s office to have more and more fluid added to the expander….and (fingers crossed) stretch the skin on the underside of my boob once and for all. 

Why is it so important for my skin to stretch?  Without the proper stretching, the implant will always sit higher and will more than likely always pull on my nipple and make me look like Frankboobenstine.

Once he’s happy with the amount of fluid that’s in the expander, I’ll have to wait another month before he goes back in and replaces both of my implants with a fairly new product called the Gummy Bear.  The Gummy Bear is supposed to be a good option for women undergoing reconstruction following breast cancer because the implant “contains more cross-linking in the silicone gel than earlier models which makes it more cohesive, which in turn makes the implants firmer”.  And which is exactly what I need…a firmer implant that will hold its shape under the pressure of my lumpectomy scar.

The potential 5^th surgery, yes I said 5^th, will involve the fat grafting (aka silver lining) I wrote about after my second surgery.  IF the site of my lumpectomy continues to remain flat with the new implant, Dr. Harper will “harvest” fat (hopefully from my thighs) to inject behind my lumpectomy scar.

It’s all very frustrating and not really what I wanted to be worrying about in the months leading up to the wedding, but it can always be worse right?  I’m hoping the implant / expander swap will happen in the next few weeks, so I can get my Gummy Bears the beginning of September.  I have no idea how the expander will look, or if I’ll be completely lopsided once it’s reached max capacity, but one bulging boob is not the look I was going for on my wedding day.

I’m trying really hard to keep things in perspective.  Friday’s appointment was the first of two big appointments within the week and if one has to not go the way I want, I definitely want it to be the boob one.  I have my other big appointment with my oncologist Dr. Frenette tomorrow.  It’s my standard 6 month check up, but I’m going to be talking to him about when realistically I can stop taking my tamoxifen and have babies.  I have a timeline in my head of how I want things to go, I just need to get him to agree with it….and him not agreeing with me on this topic is going to be a much bigger pill to swallow than Dr. Harper telling me I need 2 – 3 more surgeries. Stay tuned!

Photos from 126 post chemo are below…

I’m so excited to share that the creative geniuses behind the Ford Warriors in Pink Models of Courage program decided that just one year with the 11 “models” of courage they selected for 2012 wasn’t enough….and have asked us all back for a second year!  They notified us about two months ago, but we weren’t able to share until recently.

As I’ve previously written, Ford Motor Company has been active in the fight against breast cancer since 1993.  In its 19th year of raising awareness of breast cancer, Ford Warriors in Pink created the Models of Courage campaign to celebrate breast cancer survivors who have demonstrated strength and courage in their battle.  Ford uses broad outreach to help keep the topic of breast cancer a part of everyday conversation.  The goal is to encourage women and men to engage in self-exams and self-care, which could lead to earlier diagnoses and in turn could save lives.

Starting in 2006, Ford began creating a line of breast cancer themed clothing and gear that they sell at www.fordcares.com.  The clothes depict a warrior mentality, because let’s be honest, anyone who faces a fight against breast cancer is truly a warrior!!  The best part of the clothes…100% of the net proceeds are donated to the fight against breast cancer.

Last year I was introduce to an amazing group of people and was able to do some really incredible things through Warriors in Pink.  They flew us out to LA for a photo shoot, brought us to NY for the big launch event, I even had an opportunity to be on The Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda!!  All very fun and exciting things, but pale in comparison to the self-confidence and happiness the program has brought.

Having a group of 10 other survivors to talk to about the things I had / was going through, was priceless.  As a younger woman with breast cancer, there aren’t always a lot of people who can relate.  Being introduced to those 10 other people and them instantly understanding what I’ve been through was something new to me.  Initially I shied away support groups.  I didn’t think they would really help me at all, and honestly, I wasn’t really in a mood to share my thoughts and feelings.  (Who knew I’d grow into such an open book!!)  Having my own personal support group pretty much delivered on my front door was a dream come true…and getting another year with what seems like an instant family was totally unexpected!

So what does the Model of Courage program include this year?  Great question!!  A few weeks ago they flew us all out to Austin, TX for the 2013 “summit”.  We had a day of interview sessions.  Interviews were conducted a little differently this year.  I don’t want to get in trouble so I can’t share anything about them, but I think they have potential to be pretty neat!  And then a full day photo shoot “modeling” the new apparel for the year.  Oh how I love having my hair and make-up done by professionals!!

There’s a few really cute new pieces this year…so I encourage everyone to shop www.fordcares.com.  The new pieces won’t be able until summer, but there are still clothes from last year you can purchase, and you can read more information about the Models of Courage program as well.  We all asked repeatedly what they had in store for us throughout the remainder of the year….but the Warriors in Pink team remained tight lipped about the fun things they have in store.  I can’t speak for the other “models”, but I for one can’t wait!!

Nothing else too exciting to report really.  My boobs are healing pretty well and I have a follow-up appointment next week to talk about my next surgery.  I’ve spent a lot of time staring at my new boobs in the mirror the last four months and have some suggestions about what can maybe be done to get everything taken care of this time around and prevent a 4^th surgery. I’m not a plastic surgeon though, so my ideas could very well be a pipe dream.  Who knows!

My hair is finally long enough to curl again.  I’m definitely a little rusty with the curling iron….I can’t seem to curl my hair without getting a burn of some sort.  Right now I’m walking around with what resembles a hickey on my neck….awesome.

I also have my 6 month check-up with my oncologist in the next few weeks.  This check-up could prove to be pretty interesting as I plan to approach the topic of children vs. staying on tamoxifen with him…stay tuned on that topic.

It’s earlier in the year this year, but the Jeans & Jewels Gala is already upon us again and taking place this Friday.  If you remember, this is the event I met my soon to be husband at  almost 2 years ago   We’re both walking in the charity fashion show for the third time.  I get to wear an awesome red dress….I’m pretty excited about it!!

And finally, Andrew and I are getting engagement photos taken on Sunday!  We hadn’t initially planned on doing them, but an opportunity presented itself so we’re going to take it

Photos from 124 weeks post chemo are below….

Thank you so much for all of the sweet comments and messages I’ve received since posting my last blog about Andrew and I getting engaged.  I continue to be amazed and overwhelmed with the amount of love and support I’m continuously shown through this blog and life in general.

Since I last wrote about my reconstruction progress, I’ve had another follow-up appointment with Dr. Harper.  He did confirm that I need to go back for round 3 in what I’m calling the never ending boob job.  Timing isn’t immediate, but with a wedding quickly approaching, and a two week honeymoon booked in the south pacific (yay!!), I was really pushing for sooner rather than later.  We came to an agreement on July.  That will give my boobs 6 months to heal from the last surgery, and will give be about 4 months to heal before the wedding.

I had previously said that my third surgery would just be repositioning of my nipple and injection of fat under my lumpectomy scar.  Plans have changed slightly.  Dr. Harper will still reposition my nipple, but instead of the fat injection, he’s going to swap out the implant on my right side.

If you’ve never held an implant in your hand, which I’m guessing most of you haven’t, they feel like you’re holding a balloon made of industrial strength rubber full of smooth, jelly like substance…very smooth and very flexible and can be manipulated very easily.  If you press on one end of the implant, the inside contents shift very easily to the opposite end causing a bulge.  The elasticity of the implant allows for a more natural look once they’ve been inserted.  A good thing.

Unfortunately for me, because the implants can be manipulated and reshaped so easily, my lumpectomy scar and the firmness of my radiated skin are causing the implant to sit higher than the implant on my left side.  It’s not noticeable to the average person…you can really only notice it when I don’t have a bra on….or when I’m wearing a sports bra.  But it’s enough to bother me and want to get it fixed.

The new implant Dr. Harper wants to replace my existing one with holds its shape under pressure.  If you push on one end of the implant, the contents inside don’t displace very much at all…and my right boob should keep its intended shape better.

So that’s the new plan.  If my lumpectomy scar is still flat with the new implant, he’ll go back in at the end of the year and do the fat injection…and I’ll get my free lipo….but for now, let’s hope third time is the charm

Photos from 120 weeks phost chemo are below…

I’m a week late but in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, this blog won’t be talking anything cancer or boobs related….the entire focus will be on my love life…and the exciting things to come this year!

A few months back I wrote about how I had exciting news to share….well I’m finally ready to share. Andrew and I are getting married!!!!

If you’re friends with me in real or social networking life, that will come as no surprise to you. And what I’m calling exciting news is more like a few month old news that I’m sharing….but I’m sharing it none the less. So let’s get the typical questions out of the way:

1) When did he do it: Andrew proposed on October 20th. So when I say this information is a few months old, it’s 4 months and 1 day old to be exact.

2) How did he do it: We took a day trip to the Blowing Rock area to do some “leaf peeping” as Andrew likes to call it. After we peeped the changing leaves along the Blue Ridge Mountains, we headed to Grandfather Mountain. Andrew had packed a picnic lunch for us to eat, so we found a little area on the side of the mountain to stop and enjoy the smorgasbord he had put together. I’m not going to get into the little details of what he said, what I said, etc. The important part is he asked me to marry him and I said yes J

3) How was he supposed to do it: I have it on pretty good authority that Andrew was planning to propose on a little Mexican getaway we had planned after the Chicago Marathon. I say we “planned” on going there because the trip never actually happened. After months of anticipation of sandy beaches, blue waters, and endless cocktails, Andrew discovered the night before our trip that his passport was expired. And because you’re now required to have a passport to pass to/from Mexico, we had to cancel our trip

Everyone assumed I would be really pissed off about the whole thing, and some were even surprised I still accepted his proposal a week later, but in the grand scheme of life, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. If cancer has taught me anything, it’s you can’t sweat the small stuff. I’m sure in the 50+ years of marriage we’ll hopefully have together, I’m bound to do something equally if not more ridiculous and I’d hate to set the precedence of blowing something small out of proportion. So to you Andrew, you’re welcome that I’m such a kind, understanding, and forgiving fiancé

We went back and forth for a few months about what we wanted to do for a wedding, when it should be, where it should be, etc…..and we’ve finally set a date….so I guess I do have exciting news to share!! We’ll be getting married on Saturday, October 26th here in Charlotte. The wedding will be at the church we belong to, St. Patrick Cathedral and the reception will be at the Mint Museum Uptown. We’ve paid deposits and I got my dress last weekend, so we’re locked and loaded….and as I tell Andrew, there’s no backing out now!!

The wedding will be pretty small, just close friends and family…so probably around 75-85 guests. We’re still working through a lot of the smaller details. I have a lot of ideas, I just need some help organizing and executing them. If there’s any good (and reasonably priced) wedding planners out there please shoot me an email. I very open to suggestions.

Please bare with me these next 8 months as there may be a bit of wedding talk on my blog. You can’t blame me though. If someone would have asked me 2 years ago if I thought I would ever get married, my answer would have been a definitive no. I felt like I had this huge black cloud of baggage that I carried coming out of my treatments because I’d had cancer. Throw in the fact that I was essentially bald and about 20 pounds over-weight…I assumed I’d be single forever. What guy would want to take that on?

Lucky for me, Andrew came into my life and changed all that. And now I’m living proof that not only is there a lot of hair to grow and life to live after cancer, there’s also love, marriage, and hopefully a few babies

Pictures below are from 115 weeks post chemo…

It’s crazy how quickly time flies by. I had every intention of updating my blog pretty much every day the last three weeks, yet here we are…a month after my surgery and I’m just now getting around to it. I hear a new year’s resolution loud a clear….update blog more frequently!!

Like it said, it’s been a month since my second surgery.  I’m not really sure what I was expecting after surgery, but I feel like I should officially change my name to Tits McGee. My boobs are huge….at least I think so.   I wanted and picked out a very small size implant, smaller then they carry  regularly in the office as to avoid looking like Dolly Parton post op…but they still seems really large to me.  I’m definitely still adjusting to the new “girls”.  I can refer to them as a separte identity because they came with their own identification card.  Weird, I know.

I made the mistake of looking at them about 8 hours after my surgery and really wasn’t prepared for what I saw. What were supposed to be the perky, ever so slightly larger boobs of my dreams, in actuality were ginormous, shiny blobs pretty much resting on my chin. I don’t know if I was never told, or missed the part where I was informed that I’d have a lot of swelling….but needless to say, first glance at my new boobs was not good.

I cried and cried and cried. I literally freaked out and was inconsolable. I felt like I made a HUGE mistake by getting the implants. Had an exacto knife been readily accessible, I may have sliced open the incisions in my pain medication induced haze and removed the implants myself.

Thankfully I have quite a few friends who’ve gotten implants over the years. After a few desperate phone calls, they managed to calm me down. And just like they reassured me they would….the swelling in my boobs, and they boobs themselves, have gone down pretty significantly.

The recovery for my first reconstruction surgery back in October was pretty smooth and not very painful. I was hoping to have a similar experience this time around again but boy was I wrong!

My surgery was on a Thursday morning.  Andrew had me home from the doctor’s by noon fully drugged and resting nicely with frozen peas on my chest. Despite having just had surgery, I felt pretty good the remainder of the day and into Friday. So good on Friday that I managed to run a few errands with my brother. It all went downhill pretty quickly as Friday turned into Saturday.

I’m not sure if I did too much in the first 24 hours after my surgery or if it was just because the really good pain medication the doctors gave me during surgery was wearing off…but by Friday evening I was in a lot of pain. My chest and every muscle surrounding my chest were so tight and every movement I made hurt like hell. Just in time to hop in the car for a short 12 hour road trip up to MI for the holidays at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning.

Why I ever thought it would be a good idea to have surgery 2 days before my brother, Andrew, and I were driving up to MI is beside me. When I’m 100 years old and looking back at my life, that decision will probably continue to be in the list of my top 10 worst ideas ever.

To say the trip was long and painful would be the understatement of the century. I couldn’t get comfortable and my pain pills were barely taking the edge off. Every bump in the road we hit was like a blow to my chest. I slept on and off, as much the pain and my discomfort would allow, the entire trip. Thank you to Andrew for capturing a few moment in time, candid pictures of me in all my pain and glory. Notice my constant companion…Bailey. Best dog ever for cuddling and TLC. I don’t think he left my side the entire time I was feeling awful :)

It took a solid 5 days before I started to feel like a normal human being again…so by Tuesday, I had stopped taking my pain pills and was definitely moving around with more ease. Not taking the pain pills alone did wonders. I hate the feeling of being in a cloudy haze…and that’s how my pain pills made me feel. Throw in the way anesthesia and pain medication completely jack up my stomach…I was a disaster through xmas.

I had my first check up with the surgeon on the 4th. He said things were healing nicely and I was free to start massaging my new implants (to prevent scar tissue build up), but I’m unfortunately going to have to go back in for a third and (fingers really crossed this time) final surgery.

We were hoping the implant would fill and round out the bottom portion of my cancer boob that my lumpectomy surgeries had left flat / indented and fix the nipple issues I was having….but it’s not doing a very good job. It’s filling it out better than before my surgeries, but my nipple placement still sucks (thank you radiation!) so Dr. Harper thinks he can make it look better still. I need to wait 5-6 months this time around to allow the implants to fully settle before moving on to the third surgery… probably May-June timeframe

. In the third surgery, Dr, Harper wants to reposition my nipple again. The skin that’s been radiated isn’t stretching and reacting the way he anticipated, so it needs to be moved. He also wants to inject fat tissue behind my lumpectomy site in hopes of creating the roundness on the underside of my boob that I’m lacking.

And here’s the silver lining…in order to inject fat tissue, fat needs to be “harvested”. Which means I’m getting a dose of liposuction courtesy of the big C. Free boobs, free lipo…cancer just keeps paying it forward!!

(apologies if my jokes offend anyone….as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I try to / like to keep a light hearted attitude about things. Cancer just plain sucks…anyway you look at it…and I’m the type of person who always tries to find the positive in situations)

I go back for another check-up on the 8th, and hopefully will be given full clearance to run and work out normally again. The last month of minimal athletic activities has taken a toll. I feel like a blob :( I’ve been doing what I can but am looking forward to getting back into a normal routine at the gym again.

Photos from 111 weeks post chemo are below. These are from the first week after my surgery. The side picture shows just how big and perky my boobs were at first…yikes!

Tomorrow is the big day! I’ve got a 7am appointment with my plastic surgeon to complete the last step of my reconstruction. By 10am, I’ll have a perfect (or at least as perfect as I can get) pair of boobs!!

I’ve healed very quickly and better then I was expecting to, so my doctor feels comfortable moving forward with putting the implants in now. I’m a little nervous, because you never really can tell what a particular size implant will do for you until it’s in there, but I feel confident that Dr. Harper knows what I want, and won’t take me above that size.

Because I’ve had radiation in my right boob, Dr. Harper said there is a small chance my tissue in that boob will reject the implant. If that happens, I would start to develop a lot of scar tissue surrounding the implant, and they would ultimately have to be removed. Please say an extra prayer for me tonight that my body cooperates and that removal isn’t necessary!!

I’m hopeful I’ll feel as good as I did in the days after my first surgery, but have heard that I may be much more restricted in my movements after the implants because they’ll be going under my muscle. My first surgery didn’t really touch anything muscle related…it was all removal of scar / dead tissue. This time around, the doctor will be cutting through my muscle to get the implant in…which I’m told results in quite a bit of discomfort for the first few weeks. Fortunately, it’s the holidays and all I really have to do is lay around, eat too much unhealthy food, and spend time with family.

In my last blog I said that I’d be sharing some exciting news in this next blog….but that unfortunately is going to have to wait for another week or two. Still working on ironing out a few of the fine details before I’m ready to share.

And finally, because the whole reason for this blog is hair…I wanted to share a collage I put together last week. I’ve said all along that taking regular pictures of my hair growing back would remind me that my hair is actually growing, despite my constant griping that it’s not growing fast enough. Well, these photos showed me exactly how far I’ve come in the last two years…

I’ve progressed from my “Gollum” phase, made a quick stop at “No Country For Old Men” (think Javier Bardem), and am finally starting to look like my old self again. It truly is amazing the difference two years can make.

I hope everyone has a blessed holiday season full of joy and happiness!!  No hair photo updates this time, hasn’t been long enough since the last ones

Huge slacker here. I’m just now getting around to giving a post surgery update. I had intentions of doing one weeks ago, but life’s been pretty busy.

It’s been 6 weeks since my reconstruction surgery and I feel pretty much 100% back to normal. The healing process was much less painful that I was anticipating. The most painful part was probably wearing this god-awful bra for a month….

I don’t know who was more excited about retiring that thing….me or Andrew :) Haha, kidding! I only have a little tenderness if I lay on my stomach or Andrew hugs me to tight, but aside from that things feel great. My scars are healing better than I thought they would and more importantly, I’m SOOOOO happy with Dr. Harper’s work.

My boobs looked a little funny at first, which Dr. Harper warned me about. They essentially “over correct” during surgery knowing your tissue will settle over time. For the first few weeks post surgery, my boobs looked a little ridiculous. It’s hard to explain, but they looked like an upside down version of the “tear drop” every woman wants to have. Fortunately, they’ve relaxed a lot in the last 6 weeks and look much better now!

I’ve got photos from before the surgery, a week after, and now but really don’t want to post them for the world to see.  My face isn’t in the pictures, so I’m willing to share them given the right circumstances…i.e. someone else who is going through reconstruction not just someone looking to get a free show.

So what exactly did I have done in the surgery? Well, Dr. Harper removed all of the scar tissue left behind from my two lumpectomy surgeries and all of the dead tissue left behind from radiation. Then (because my right nipple was slightly deformed from the previous surgeries) he gave me a slight lift to reposition my nipple to look normal again. And finally, he lifted and removed tissue from my left breast so it looks identical to my right. I’m now left with slightly smaller, very perky new boobs that look great!

Dr. Harper was going to try to put a small implant in during surgery, but was concerned that the site where he removed my lumpectomy scar would be too strained under the pressure of the implant and not heal correctly. So (fingers crossed) I’ll be going under the knife again within the next few weeks to get very small implants in to take me back to my original size. I’ve got an appointment with Dr. Harper tomorrow and based on how comfortable he is with how I’m healing, we’ll set the next surgery date!

 Like I said, life is back to normal now. I’ve back in the gym and running again…just in time to try and get back in shape before the holidays and my next surgery. Very short blog this time around….stay tuned though…I’ll have a very exciting (at least I think so) post coming in the next week :)

 Photos from 104 weeks post chemo are below….

Tomorrow is a big day!! After a lot of thought and consideration (and a preview of my health care plan for next year), I’ve made a really big decision. I’m finally moving forward with getting my reconstruction surgery done. It’s time to make right what cancer made wrong!

Disclaimer: I’d stop reading now if you don’t want to know the intimate details of what I’m having done.

When most people think of reconstruction, I think they associate it with a result of having a mastectomy. That is true, but what some people may not know is that you may also require reconstruction following a lumpectomy….much like me.

I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’m severely deformed from my two surgeries, but my right boob definitely doesn’t look right. Fortunately for me, my tumor was on the underside of my boob directly below my nipple, so unless you’re looking at me topless (which is only reserved for a select group of people :) ), you’d never know I had anything wrong with me. I can wear a bra, swimsuit, cleavage bearing top, you name it…and look completely normal.

All of the tissue that was removed during my lumpectomy surgeries was taken from the bottom of my boob. A normal women’s boob, much like my left one, is rounded at the bottom. Mine is not. It’s very flat and pulls in slightly, or significantly, depending on what I’m doing. My scar is about 2 inches long starting from where my nipple ends and goes all the way down to my chest wall. Because my scar tissue is tethered to my chest wall, it can hurt if my boob is pulled to far in one direction and it pulls my nipple downwards at certain times…which for me is the most annoying.

So tomorrow a few different things will be happening.

First, my plastic surgeon will be removing all of the dead scar tissue and any tissue damaged from radiation. Because my nipple pulls downward now, he’ll also be doing a breast lift…in order to make everything look back to normal.

Then, he’ll do the exact same thing to my left side, my good boob. So yes, I’ll be getting a reduction and lift on both sides. I’ll have super perky and potentially really small boobs at this point.

Finally, he’ll attempt to put a small implant in on my cancer side. If it looks like my lumpectomy scar isn’t too strained from the implant and will heal cleanly, he’ll leave the implant in and put one on my good side as well. If it looks like the scar won’t heal correctly with the implant in, he’ll leave them out and I’ll have to have a follow up surgery in a few months. So it’ll be a surprise what I wake up with tomorrow afternoon.

So, stay tuned! I’ll write a post-surgery recap in about a week and let you all know what actually happens tomorrow. Photos from 100 weeks post chemo are below………

WARNING: This post is going to be very lengthy and picture heavy!!

The last few weeks have been an absolute whirlwind! A lot has happened, some exciting, some not so exciting….I’m struggling with where to start! Let’s just go chronologically…

In my last post, I talked about the upcoming Fox Rocks for Pink Event at Leroy Fox raising money for Race for the Cure. The event took place on September 29th and was a HUGE success!!! More people then I think anyone anticipated showed up and it appeared that everyone had a really good time. Over $20,000 in prizes were raffled off and more importantly, we raised over $5000 for Team Dolla Dolla Bills and Team London to donate to the Susan G. Komen foundation!!

This was the third year that we held a fundraising event for Team Dolla Dolla Bills and each year it keeps getting better and better. THANK YOU SO MUCH to Jessica Wilfong and Brandii McCoy for being the masterminds behind this awesome event, thank you to all of my other friends who volunteered their time and made donations, and thank you to everyone who came out to support a great cause! I’m so excited to see what next year’s event holds!! Here are some photos from the event:

The following Saturday kicked off an incredibly busy week and a half. I was actually able to participate in Race for the Cure this year along with great friends who graciously got up way too early for a Saturday morning to come and walk / run. It was a beautiful morning in Charlotte, and the race saw record numbers this year!! I decided to run the “competitive” race this year because it started a half hour earlier than the recreational walk/run that the majority of people do….and no, not because I think I’m some super star runner.

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I didn’t actually run the full 3.1 miles. As we were walking to the start line, I heard the gun go off for the competitive race to start. I could see the start line about ¼ of a mile down the street….a street that just so happens to be an uphill slope. Call me crazy, but I wasn’t about to walk a ¼ of a mile downhill just to immediately turn around and run back up the same hill! So I just jumped in with all the runners right about where the street was leveling out to flat ground. Score one for Nicole!

The run itself was actually pretty nice. The weather was perfect, and considering I’d been fighting a sinus cold / respiratory infection for the previous 2 weeks, I didn’t feel too awful. Here are some photos from the morning of Race for the cure:

Immediately after finishing the race, I ran home to shower, finish packing, and hop a flight to Chicago for the Chicago Marathon. Initially, the idea to do both races back to back seemed like a pretty good one. I didn’t plan to get sick two weeks before the marathon, and certainly didn’t plan to only run once in the last two weeks leading up to the race. Unfortunately, allergy season and germs happen :( My lungs felt a little tight after the 5K, so I was definitely a little worried about how I was going to feel on Sunday morning, a mere 24 hours later.

However I’d hoped or imagined I would feel during the marathon wasn’t even close to reality. If I could describe this marathon experience in one word, it would be disappointing. You train so hard and commit 4+ months of your life to this one event, and to get there and only be able to put up a marginal effort was frustrating to say the least. I obviously didn’t plan to get sick, and in an ideal world I would have been healthy heading into the race, but that unfortunately wasn’t in the cards for me this time.

In my first marathon, I hit the proverbial wall around mile 21 / 22. This time around, I hit the wall somewhere between miles 6 and 8. My lungs held up fine the first 5 miles of the race, but went downhill drastically after that. As the next 20 miles progressed, my lungs got more and more tight, and breathing became really difficult. So much so that for a few minutes I thought I was going to have to drop out of the race at mile 14.

I was really struggling to breath at that point. Realizing I still had 12 miles to go in what I’ll fondly remember as the race from hell, I started to panic and freak myself out. I was hyperventilating and unable to regain normal breathing even with a few minutes of walking. It sunk in that my goal of breaking 4 hours was long gone, even finishing within 5 hours was going to be tough at the rate I was going. I was so pissed off about the race, that to top it all off, I started to cry. Thankfully I had my new running sunglasses with me, and no one could actually see that I was crying…because the only thing worse than crying during a race is having millions of people (because millions of people come out to watch the race) know that you’re crying.

Somehow, I managed to get my emotions in check and slowed my breathing down enough that I could start running again. The sooner I started the last 12 miles the sooner I’d be done right?! I really don’t know how I finished, but I slowly made my way to the finish line. The memory of those last 12 miles will forever haunt my memories!! Running (if you even want to call it that) for 2 tenths of a mile, and then walking….running 2 more tenths of a mile, and then walking again. It was incredibly long, and incredibly frustrating. My legs felt great and wanted to run faster…but my lungs screamed at me every time I tried to.

I’ve never been so happy to see a finish line in my life. I dragged myself across the finish line in just under 5 hours…but hey, I finished right. So much for this being the last marathon I’ll ever do. I certainly can’t let my performance at Chicago be what I walk away from marathon running with as my last memory. I still get angry, and a little embarrassed, with how poorly I performed at the race. The only way to get rid of that feeling is to run another unfortunately. I don’t know when I’m going to my next, and hopefully my last marathon. But I can tell you it won’t be for a long time!

Thank you so much to my family and Andrew’s family for coming to support all of us who were running the race….and for waiting 5 long hours for me to cross the finish line. Despite my lack luster performance at the race, it was a fun weekend visiting with family. Here are some photos from the weekend:

You’d have to be living under a rock to not know that October is breast cancer awareness month. In support of that, I was asked to be on the Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda last week along with Natalie, one of the other Models of Courage!!

I received an email the Friday before the marathon asking if I could be available for Monday. Thinking that I was about to embark on a sub 4 hour marathon resulting in my legs being pretty sore, I said Monday would be tough to make work. Fortunately, the Today Show was able to do the taping on Thursday instead.

Wednesday morning they flew me out to NYC. Andrew had to meet with a co-worker and was able to schedule a work trip the same two days and be there with me. Thursday morning we headed to Rockefeller center for hair and make-up. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something so relaxing about having someone else do your hair and make-up.

As I’m sitting in the chair, Kathie Lee walks by into her dressing room. Then James Denton (who was doing the interview with us) arrives. And finally, Marcia Cross, who also happened to be getting interviewed for the show walks in. I’d like to think that I was calm, cool, and collected and didn’t get star struck, but who knows, my face may have said otherwise.

You’re probably wondering why James Denton was doing the Today Show segment with us….so I’ll tell you :) The interview was set up through Ford Warriors in Pink. The last few years, WIP have worked with a different celebrity to create a special edition t-shirt to sell as part of their apparel line. Last year it was Jennifer Aniston. This year it was James Denton.

James donated his time and effort and designed the grey t-shirt he wears in the segment. Like all other items WIP sells, 100% of the net proceeds go towards fighting the battle against breast cancer.

Once hair and make-up were done, we got dressed and they ushered up to the set to meet Kathie Lee and Hoda, and (after a quick stop in the “green room”) tape our segment. I think the segment turned out really well! I was scared I was going to be nervous, and either fumble words or ramble on. Fortunately, they run the show like a well oiled machine, and there wasn’t time to get nervous. Within a minute or two of stepping onto the set, we were in the chairs and the interview was rolling.

If you weren’t able to catch the segment live, you can watch it here:  

http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/49376653#49376653

Kathie Lee, Hoda, and James were all so nice in person and were gracious enough to take a few photos (which you can see below) with us after the interview had concluded.

After our photo op with the “real stars”, it was off to the airport and back to reality. As quickly as my 15 seconds of fame started…they’re over now and I’m back to the world of cubicles, TPS reports, and 9 to 5! All in all, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and something I’ll remember forever. I’ve been able to do some pretty amazing things with Ford Warriors in Pink, and I’m so grateful and appreciative for all of them!

Well I think that’s all for the time being. Photos from 98 weeks post chemo are below! My curls have loosened so much over the course of this year, and I’m almost to the point where I have to put effort into styling my hair everyday now…so these may be some of the last curly picks you see….it might be straight hair from here on out!!

Race for the Cure here in Charlotte is officially less than two weeks away.  Which also means the Chicago marathon is also less than two weeks away….yikes!  I’m so ready to be done with marathon training, but not sure I’m quite ready yet to run 26.2 miles…I guess I can always stop and walk right.  Lord knows I did enough of that in my first marathon!

My marathon training the last few months just hasn’t been as easy as it was for the Kiawah marathon.  My Saturday morning long runs were waaaaaaaay slower than before.  I was really hoping to break 4 hours this time around, but my confidence level for that actually happening is about 10%.  My gut feeling is telling me I’ll finish around the 4:30 mark….which will be really disappointing….but oh well.  Life will go on!!

Leading up to next Saturday’s Race for the Cure event, Team Dolla Dolla Bills is having a HUGE “Pink Carpet” fundraising event this Saturday, 9/29……”Fox Rocks for Pink” hosted by Leroy Fox.

There’s going to be drink specials, music, great company, and some awesome prizes!!  Some of the prizes include floor seats to a Bobcats game, Checkers Hockey tickets, photography packages, jewelry (including the gorgeous diamond earrings below from Diamonds Direct), and a new roof courtesy of Metropolitan Builders.  All you need to do to win any of these prizes is show up and buy some raffle tickets!!

There is a $10 cover charge donation required to join in the fun, but that $10 gets you your first raffle ticket.  You can buy as many additional raffle tickets as you’d like in order to increase your odds of winning any of the above prizes and more.  All proceeds from the cover charge donation and all other ticket sales will be going towards Team Dolla Dolla Bills’ fundraising efforts. 

So if you’re in town and looking for something to do on Saturday night, come join the fun and help raise money for a great cause!  And if you’re not in town and would still like a way to donate, you can do so at the link below.  Just click on “Donate to Nicole!”.

http://charlotte.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/CLT_CharlotteAffiliate?px=7864929&pg=personal&fr_id=2591

As a special treat, I have a few “straight” hair photos for today’s post.  I’ve been blowing my hair out straight occasionally as of the last few weeks to get a better gauge of how long it actually is.  As you can see below, it’s gotten pretty long!!  In some areas anyways :)  I’ve got A LOT of random layers and the back is growing much quicker than the front and top areas….but overall I’m pretty happy with how it looks.  I definitely need a shape up haircut to give it some style soon.  But I’m finally able to fit it into a pony tail when I run, so the haircut won’t be happening until after the marathon!!

Hope to see you this weekend!!

It’s that time of year again….Race for the Cure in Charlotte is about a month away and Team Dolla Dolla Bills is back in action for the third year!!  I’m so excited that I actually get to participate this year.  It’ll be a tight weekend, but I’ll be there!  RFTC is Saturday, October 6^th and the Chicago Marathon is Sunday, October 7^th.  So, after the race Saturday morning, I’ll be hoping on a flight to get to Chicago to run the marathon Sunday morning.  I think I’ll get my fill of exercising that weekend!

If you’d like to donate to my team, you can do so here.  I’ll take donations of any size!!  $1, $10, $100…it’s all going to a great cause.  And even better, if you live in Charlotte, and would like to be a part of Team Dolla Dolla Bills, please sign up and join us!!

Leading up to the race, there will be another really fun fundraising event again this year!!  A Pink Carpet event will be held on Saturday, September 29^th at Leroy Fox to help raise money for our team.  It should be a great evening, and if you live in Charlotte, you should definitely try to stop by!!  More details to come as they are finalized.

Thank you in advance to all of my amazing friends who are involved with planning both the team and fundraising events!  You guys are awesome and I love you!!!

Photos from 90 weeks post chemo are below!

I refrained from any updates on my well-being in my last post because 1) the post was getting kind of lengthy and 2) I was getting kind of lazy :(  I don’t think I’ve ever been referred to by someone or referred to myself as a lazy person…maybe on a one off occasion, but typically I’m pretty active…so the laziness I’ve demonstrated in respect to my blog in the last 6 months has been pretty disappointing.  It’s tough work keeping with this thing!!

So what is new?  I feel like life has been absolutely crazy the last few months, so much so that I haven’t really stopped to think about, and celebrate, some of the milestones that have passed.

June 18^th – my own personal D day….the day my world came crashing down.  Slightly dramatic?  Yes….I’ve been known to be a tad bit dramatic at times.  Two years ago on this day I received my cancer diagnosis.  It’s definitely a day I’ll never forget.  The fear, anxiety, and helplessness feelings I had that day are still very fresh in my mind.  It’s amazing how two years can go by, but I can still put myself back to that day and remember how numb I felt after I got “the phone call”. 

Fortunately, the day came and went this year without any recognition really.  I don’t think I would’ve even remembered had Andrew not said something to me.  Such a good man he is :)  As important of a day that this date will be for the rest of my life, I can’t say enough how great it is to be on the “other side” of the cancer fence…standing there giving cancer the middle finger.

Marathon training is in full force….again….and pretty much taking up every second of free time I have.  Again with the dramatization….sorry, I can’t help myself sometimes….just ask Andrew :)  Marathon training is a pretty big time suck…but I do still manage to have a little fun here and there.  I don’t know what possessed me to sign up for a second marathon within a 10 month period.  I’m going to blame it on the high that comes along with crossing the finish line and feeling like a bad ass.  Regardless of the reason, I’m registered for and running the Chicago Marathon on October 7^th, a short two months away. 

The only thing that makes training tolerable this time around….because there’s nothing fun or appealing about running um-teen miles in 90+ degree heat…is that I have a training buddy.  I managed to talk Andrew, along with my brother and several other friends, into running the marathon as well.  What’s better than getting together with your close friends and 48,000 other crazy people on a Sunday morning to run 26 miles in the potential blazing heat!  Misery loves company right?! 

After a little coaxing by Andrew, I decided to convert to the same training program he’s using, a program that includes both hills and speed training…quite possibly two of my least favorite things to do…ever.  The only thing worse than running a hill, is having to sprint up it.  And I use the word “sprint” loosely.  By most people’s standards, sprinting involves at least the appearance of moving quickly.  However I, on the other hand, bear resemblance to something closer to running in quick sand. Not quick at all. 

Andrew and I run VERY different paces….but at least we can head out in the morning together for our runs and encourage each other when frustration and the overwhelming desire to stay in bed hits….because it does.  Getting up is 99% of the challenge on difficult days, so it definitely helps having someone to give you a swift quick out of bed to get you moving!

I’m only 3 weeks into this new training program and haven’t really noticed a difference in my running pace yet….but I’m guessing it probably takes a little longer than that to see results? We’ll see!  Since I failed to meet my goal of under 4 hours back in December at the Kiawah marathon, I’ve now got my eyes set on Chicago.  Fortunately the course is flat…so at least I have that going for me.

Probably the biggest milestone that’s passed in the last few months is that I’ve officially crossed the one year mark of taking tamoxifen!!  As of today, I’m actually at 14 months…only 1,399 pills left…but who’s counting!!

As much as I struggled with it at the beginning, I can honestly say it’s just become a part of my daily routine.  The hot flashes throughout the night can still be overbearing at times, but they’ve definitely subsided.  I think my body has actually gotten used to pills at this point….and the whole “taking tamoxifen” thing has become a non-event.  Never thought I’d say that!!

Words of encouragement for any newbie tamoxifen takers out there….I’m living proof that it actually gets better!!  I never thought I’d see the day where I didn’t dread taking my pills.  The day where my body adjusted to the effects of the pills messing with my hormone levels.  But I’m here to tell you that that day will come….and will probably shock the hell out of you as much as it did me!!

Lastly, I had my 18 month mammogram and MRI check-ups last month and I’m happy to report that everything still checks out as clean!  Remission is great place to be

Photos from 83 weeks post chemo are below…..

Two months….wow, I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last post :(  Where do I even begin after such a long hiatus…

First and foremost, I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time because it’s such a great organization and I am incredibly honored to have been chosen, but somehow the weeks (and in this case months) have slipped away from me. 

Rewind waaaay back to January this year.  I received an email from my mom informing me of a contest she saw posted on the facebook page for Ford Warriors in Pink.  Ford Motor Company has been active in the fight against breast cancer since 1993.  In its 18th year of raising awareness of breast cancer, Ford Warriors in Pink created the Models of Courage campaign to celebrate breast cancer survivors who have demonstrated strength and courage in their battle.  Ford uses broad outreach to help keep the topic of breast cancer a part of everyday conversation.  The goal is to encourage women and men to engage in self-exams and self-care, which could lead to earlier diagnoses and in turn could save lives.

The contest:  tell your breast cancer story in 500 words or less.  After reviewing all entries, Ford was going to select winners to be part of their Models of Courage program.  The “models” were chosen to model the 2012 Warriors in Pink line of apparel and gear….which donates 100% of net proceeds from sales to support the organization of your choosing…Susan G. Komen™, Dr. Susan G. Love, The Pink Fund, or Young Survival Coalition. 

I initially just disregarded my mom’s email because I didn’t think there was a chance in hell they’d pick me.  Then on the 23^rd, the final day for entries to be submitted, I typed up the little “diddy” below for submission and sent it off before heading home from work.

“Hi!  My name is Nicole Bills.  I am 33 years old and I’m coming up my one year mark of officially becoming a survivor!  I was diagnosed with breast cancer on June 18^th, 2010.  Being that I was only 32 at the time and had no family history of the disease, to say the news came as a shock was probably the understatement of the year!

I was fortunate enough to catch my cancer early and was diagnosed at Stage 1.  I had a lumpectomy on July 16^th, 2010.  My tumor was slightly larger than my doctors had anticipated, so I didn’t receive clean margins and had to have a follow-up surgery on August 17^th to ensure 100% of the tumor was removed.

Thankfully, my lymph nodes tested clean during surgery meaning there was no evidence my cancer had spread out of my breast.  I did, however, receive a medium-high Oncotype RX score so that coupled with my young age resulted in a recommendation for chemo.  My oncologist took the approach that we needed to take advantage of every treatment option that was available to ensure all cancer cells were killed.  I wasn’t exactly happy about knowing I was going to lose my hair, but being bald for a short period of time is a much better option than having my cancer return!!

I had my first round of chemo on September 9^th, 2010 and finished my last round on November 11^th, 2010.  Aside from a very scary allergic reaction to my chemo drugs during the first round, the rest was pretty uneventful!  I was given a little bit of time off from cancer over the holidays, and kicked off 2011 with 33 treatments of radiation.  Happy new years to me :)  Friday, February 25^th marked my last day of radiation, and in my book, my first day cancer free!!

Cancer for me was truly a blessing in disguise.  I found my “voice” through cancer, and have learned so much about myself throughout the course of the last year and a half.  I learned that I’m a lot tougher then I originally perceived myself to be, that I have SO many people that love and support me unconditionally, and that my natural hair color is a lot darker than I thought

One of the hardest aspects of the whole cancer process was losing my hair.  I had long, (and in my opinion :) ) gorgeous hair for a good 10 years prior to my cancer diagnosis that became a security blanket to me of sorts, so the initial shock of knowing I was going to lose it all was pretty severe.  I started a blog (www.chiagal.com) as soon as I noticed my hair was starting to come back to track my progress.  The blog became a great way for me to talk about the things that were on my mind that I was having a hard time expressing…and probably a better way for you to see who I actually am.”

Maybe it was my charm.  Maybe it was my witty personality shining through.  Or maybe, given my late submission, I happened to be the last entry they received and was top of mind when selecting finalist.  Whatever the reason, I was somehow lucky enough to be picked as one of their 11 Models of Courage for 2012!! 

So what exactly does that mean?  Simply put, myself and the other Models of Courage will appear nationally as spokesmen for the program and “models” for the 2012 line of Warriors in Pink wear and gear.  And more importantly to me, as a result I was introduced to 10 other awesome and incredibly inspirational survivors.

Why was this so important to me?  Well from the very beginning of my cancer journey, I didn’t really have anyone to talk candidly with or relate to.  I personally didn’t know anyone who I felt comfortable enough to open up to, so I navigated the cancer road essentially blind.  Thanks to Warriors in Pink, I’ve now been introduced to 10 other women AND MEN (because yes, men can get breast cancer as well), who know exactly what I’ve been through.

After being selected as a Model of Courage, they flew all of us out to Los Angeles in March for the 2012 apparel photo shoot and interviews.  We arrived late afternoon on Thursday, and by the time dinner was finished, we were all great friends.  It’s amazing how something so terrible can bring a complete group of strangers together so quickly.  I personally enjoyed hearing about everyone else’s journey…and finding out what they’ve been doing now that they’re in remission. 

My fellow “models” are doing some pretty amazing things.  From Tina, who started her own full service wig boutique (www.imwiggedout.com) centered on providing an individualized fun and informative wig shopping experience.  To Bret, a 26 year old who started his own foundation, The Bret Miller 1T Foundation (www.checkthem.org), in the hopes of raising awareness that men can get breast cancer too.  And Carol, who’s fought the disease not once, but is a two time survivor.  The list of amazing things these 2, plus the other 8, have done go on and on.  I’m humbled to have been selected to be part of such a strong and influential group of people….people who go out of their way every day to help bring awareness to this awful disease.  And realize that I need to do more…I’m not quite sure what “more” means right now, but will be looking for ways and opportunities to do my part.

Getting back to the LA weekend, Friday was a day of pampering and interviews.  The folks at WIP were kind enough to set all of us up with a few spa appointments throughout the course of the day.  We also had in depth interviews with the team from Flow Non-Fiction (http://flownonfiction.com/index.php), the creative agency / turnkey production company that was tasked with taking an incredibly large amount of video footage (including a good hour of interviews from yours truly) from the weekend and turning it into amazing 2 – 3 minute clips.  These guys are absolutely amazing at what they do!!!

Group Video is here

My own personal interview video is here

A thank you message for when you purchase apparel is here

Saturday was the actual photo shoot day.  They had professional hair, make-up, and wardrobe stylists on site to make us all look like we were real models.  We each had one or two key pieces from the 2012 apparel line that we were photographed in.  I was in the sister-hoodie (found here) and the Outrageously Courageous Unisex Thermal (found here).  And then did a group photo at the end: 

We ended with a final group dinner on Saturday night, and then headed back to our respective homes on Sunday. This was my first time on a photo shoot set of this magnitude…and I have to say, I’d be more than happy to have someone do my hair and make-up and take pictures of me any day!  Such a fun time!!

Flash forward a few months….Ford brought us all together again the middle June for a Public Relations event for the National Launch.  We were flown out to NYC for a short, jam packed 2 day trip.  Again, another great event put on by the Warriors in Pink and Flow Non-Fiction teams.  The PR event was an all day event that provided an opportunity for publications across the country (i.e. people, fitness, women’s day, etc) to come and get a firsthand look at the new apparel….and get some free swag as well.  We (the “models”) were wearing all of the key pieces to showcase how the items actually look on.

Once the PR event was over, we all sadly headed back home again.  The PR event was the last time they’d bring all 11 of us together as a group…so the ending was a little bittersweet.  We are unfortunately spread out across the US, so a reunion will be a little difficult, BUT not entirely out of the question.  With as determined of a group of people as the 11 of us were, I’m confident we’ll make it happen!!

Here are a few additional photos from the NYC PR event.  The first is the total group, minus Darrell unfortunately, in the press room:

This is my larger than life sized photo highlighting my booty in the press room.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen my ass in such great detail!

This is one of the banners they had hanging at the event.  They had all of our faces included in the word Courage…

I was the letter E….

And finally, one of me and my love.  Andrew was fortunate enough to have a few  business meetings in NYC the same days I was there for WIP, so he was able to stop by the press event for a little while :)

This is turned into a much longer post then I originally intended, so I’m going to wait for my next post to give more updates on what’s happened in the last two months.  Nothing too eventful, but I have hit a few noteworthy milestones to talk about

Photos from 76 weeks post chemo are below…

And finally photos from 80 weeks post chemo…

Fertility has been on my mind a lot as of lately.  Tomorrow’s my 34^th (eek!) birthday, so in addition to thinking about how I am yet another year older, I’ve also been thinking about the all that goes with getting older as a woman:  biological clock ticking, eggs drying up, fertility significantly declining, etc….you know, the things any single woman in her mid-30s would worry about.

Now throw into the mix the fact that I had to go through chemo, a treatment that runs the risk of causing infertility, and the fact that I can’t even consider getting pregnant until I’ve been on my tamoxifen pills for at least two years (which will be June 2013, a month after my 35^th birthday ) and hopefully you can begin to relate to the angst I’ve been having.

With all of these crazy thoughts running through my mind, I thought it would be a good idea to schedule a check-up with Dr. Crane, the fertility specialist I saw prior to my chemo starting in September ’09.  I talked in older blog about how freezing eggs wasn’t the right procedure for me at the time my chemo was beginning.  I instead went with a less invasive approach, the depot lupron shot.

The depot lupron shot (or lupron depot as it can also be referenced…to-mato – ta-mato) is a “hormonal agent that significantly reduces estrogen levels…the resulting drop in estrogen causes women to experience menopause-like side effects.”  Simply put, the depot lupron shots put my ovaries “to sleep”, so while the chemo drugs were circulating through my body, my ovaries remained untouched.  Aside from the AWFUL hot flashes that the shots caused, they were essentially painless.  And I didn’t have a period for a good 6 months, which was an added bonus!

I stopped receiving the depot lupron shots in November ’09, and have continuously wondered what state my ovaries would return to once the shots wore off.  Would my ovaries produce viable eggs like they should, or was chemo, even with the shots, too much for them to handle.  Instead of continuing to worry about the situation, I got on Dr. Crane’s calendar last week to get his professional opinion of the situation.

After a rather invasive ultrasound, I’m happy to report that my ovaries appear to producing eggs just as they should be…..for a woman my age of course.  Yes, success!!  Dr. Crane had a good outlook on my fertility, which made me very happy.  I’m still waiting the results of my AMH blood test, a test that is supposed to determine the size of your remaining egg supply….but for the time being, I’m going to bask in the glory of having egg producing ovaries.  I’m not going to claim I’m a fertile myrtle now, but it’s at least still possible…which is all I was ever hoping for

Photos from 73 weeks post chemo are below…..

…seems to be the story of my life right now.  It’s become a daily, sometimes hourly, struggle to find a comfortable body temperature.  So much so that I frequently find myself looking around a room and wondering “is it hot in here, or is it just me?”.  The culprit…..hot flashes.

My hot flashes have unfortunately come back with a vengeance as of lately.  If you remember back to last summer / fall, I had was about 2 months into taking tamoxifen when I was really struggling with hot flashes as a result of the change in my hormones.  After talking with my doctor, we came up with a reasonable compromise.  I would continue taking my tamoxifen…despite my every desire to quit…and he would allow me to lower my dosage.  

I started out at 10mg every other day back in September.   It’s taken me almost 7 months, but I’m officially back up to the recommended dosage of 20mg every day.  It’s been about 4 weeks and I’m definitely feeling the effects of the devil drug screwing with my hormones.

There’s about a 0.2 degree range that I’m actually comfortable in right now.  The hot flashes come on in waves so strong that I break out in a sweat in a matter of 10 seconds.  Fortunately, they seem to be more intense throughout the course of the night in the privacy of my own home.  Unfortunately, that means I’m waking up with sweat dripping down my back, legs, boobs, etc about 6 times a night….and it’s every bit as disgusting as it sounds.

I’ve always been a “hot” girl.  Life pre chemo and tamoxifen still involved a personal struggle with finding a comfortable temperature zone, it was just a fraction of the size of an issue as it is now.  Not only are the hot flashes frustrating, they’re also embarrassing at times. Welcome to my life….

In talking to a few co-workers last week, I had a hot flash come on so strongly that I almost passed out.  I had to brace myself on a filing cabinet for fear of falling over because I was so light-headed.  And for a few seconds, I thought there was a very good chance my poor co-workers were going to get a front row seat to the remnants of last night’s dinner vomited all over the carpet.  And I haven’t even touched on the sweating yet.  After regaining my balance, I had to excuse myself to go get a fresh change of clothes, because I had sweat dripping down every inch of my body.  Ok, maybe a slight exaggeration, but you get the point. 

I was at least wearing dark clothing so any noticeable sweat was concealed…which unfortunately is not always the case.  I was being interviewed (for something I’ll talk about in one of my next few blogs) recently and literally had to put the interview on hold because I was having such a bad hot flash that I started to sweat through my shirt.  The camera man asked if I had gotten something on my shirt to which I replied and let him know it was just boob sweat as a result of an untimely hot flash.  Talk about humiliating.

I’m hopeful as my body adjusts to the increased dosage, the hot flashes will subside a little.  I’m not naïve enough to think that they’ll go away entirely, but would definitely welcome a slight reprieve.

Photos from 71 weeks post chemo are below…you can see my attempts at actually styling my hair

Pigs must be flying somewhere because I caught myself saying something recently that I haven’t said in about 18 months…..I love my hair!!!

It’s been a love-hate relationship with my hair for so long now, so it came as quite a shock to say that 4 word statement.  Love because well, I’m just happy to have hair at this point.  And hate because growing hair back from bald is a painfully slow process.  The sadness that goes along with losing my hair is still very fresh in my mind sometimes, and there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss the long hair I once had.  And not that I need to remind you, but losing your hair is TOUGH process to recover from!

So what prompted this new found admiration for my hair?  Well, I had my hair styled by a professional and, oh my goodness, what a difference that made!  I’m happy to say that the No Country for Old Men Look (thanks to my brother for pointing that comparison out) I once had has finally grown out.

The similarity is a little creepy!!  Thankfully, I learned some new tricks to take away some of the issues with frizziness that I’ve been dealing with lately, and more importantly, she taught me some ways to give my hair a little more shape and style than the wash and go method I’ve been using the last year has provided me with.  And that shape and style actually makes me look like a girl!!

I took some photos of my hair in the “I love it!” state because 1) well that’s what I do these days….take pictures of my hair, 2) if I want any chance of replicating it on my own, I would need some visual guidance, and 3) if I’m never successful at making my hair look like this ever again, I want to have proof that I actually had a good hair day!!

You may look at those pictures and not really notice a change, but I think it’s drastic and I really do love it….which is I guess all that matters right?!  I’ve attempted the new styling technique (which essentially just involves using a curling iron to flatten out and loosen up some of my chemo curls) the last 2 mornings now…and while it’s not nearly as good of a finished product as the pictures above, it still makes me feel better

It seems silly, but something as insignificant as getting my hair styled a certain way enabled me to do something that I haven’t been able to do in the last 15 months……it helped me to finally embrace and accept my short hair. Not like I really had a choice before in the matter….but I’m more comfortable and confident with it now.   And further evidence that I’ve embraced the short hair, I took down my old school facebook profile picture where I still had long hair, and replaced it with a more recent photo of me and my short hair.  I’m no longer clinging to the hair I once had….huge step in my personal opinion!

OH, and I almost forgot.  You may have noticed in my photos, or you may have not, but regardless….I had my hair highlighted for the first time since chemo!  Nothing too drastic, just lightened it slightly…enough to make me feel like my old self

Photos from 69 weeks post chemo are below (caveat:  I hadn’t attempted my new styling techniques yet, so stay tuned for the next set of photos to see how I actually do on my own)

Friday, February 25^th marked a full year of remission.  I’m sure some people consider themselves to be in remission as soon as they have surgery and the cancer is removed from their body…but to me, remission started as soon as my last cancer treatment ended…which was Friday, February 25^th, 2011 at approximately 4:30pm.  I celebrated by immediately getting on a flight out to Denver, CO to visit my brother and go on a ski trip with my family.

A lot of people probably wander what a first year of remission looks like.  Does it involve a complete overhaul of your life (i.e. food, exercise regimen, etc.)?  Does it include a period of personal and spiritual reflection?  Does it include a period of letting loose and living life a little more on the wild side?  For me personally, I think you could say it was probably all of the above…to some level.

The last year has been one of the absolute best years of my life….full of so many good memories that I’ll cherish forever.  Don’t get me wrong, I struggled at times dealing with the aftermath of cancer and all of the internal questioning that goes along with that, but the good definitely out-weighed the bad…100 times over!

So what exactly does a year of remission look like…..

March 2011:  I spent two weeks in Denver, CO visiting my brother and Beth.  My parents flew out and we made a long weekend trip to Breckenridge to get a few days of skiing in.  My finger nails officially started falling out, but on the flip side, my hair was finally starting to fill in a little.  And after discovering that my ski pants fit more like spandex, I decided I really needed to start getting myself back into shape.

April 2011:  I picked up my first bottle of Tamoxifen.  I emphasize the “picked up” because that was all I truly did in April.  I didn’t actually start taking the pills until a few months later.  April also marked a change in my attitude for the better.  March was a rough month and I really was feeling sorry for myself.  But as the saying goes…“time heals all wounds”…and in this situation, that was definitely the case.

May 2011:  Aside from entering my 33^rd year of life and trying out various new hair products and supplements, I made my catwalk debut at the 24 Hours of Booty “Jeans and Jewels” charity event.  It was a lot of fun, and a great way to help raise money for a fantastic organization.  May also brought my 6 month mark of finishing chemo!!!

June 2011:  Here’s where the “letting loose and living life on the wild side” from above comes into play.  I went to Las Vegas for a long weekend with some of my best girlfriends for a celebratory trip of kicking cancer in donkey’s butt.  It was such a good trip…and I can’t wait for VC take 2 this summer!  I finally starting taking my Tamoxifen pills (for the first time) and I passed the one year mark of my cancer diagnosis.

July 2011:  Huge milestone in that I finally stopped wearing my wigs!  What a great day that was…to finally be free of the stress of wearing a wig (will it fall off?  can people tell?).  I put those things on their Styrofoam heads and never looked back!  July also was the turning point where I started running consistently.  I had a fantastic new running partner who pushed me and kept me motivated.  I participated in a little challenge with some work people in conjunction with the Tour de France, and 100 miles over the course of the month!

August 2011:  August was definitely a euphoric month and endorphins were running high!  I was at a very happy place in my life and was feeling very grateful for the blessings I had….including my curly hair.  I decided I was ready to knock something off my bucket list, and officially committed to running a marathon!  And I’m embarrassed to admit that August also brought my defeat to Tamoxifen.  I was having such terrible side effects at this point, that I stopped taking it until I have another consultation with my oncologist.

September 2011:  I took my first ever back-country camping trip and fortunately made it back alive!  The whole experience was a lot of fun (probably because of the great company) and I’d actually consider going again.  I also had my first post chemo haircut this month.  I thought I would panic and totally freak out on the chair, but I got through sans an emotional breakdown.

October 2011:  Hall of Fame month!  I was up in Michigan for a long weekend for my Hall of Fame induction…and gave what is destined to become one of the best acceptance speeches of all time :)  And I FINALLY started taking my Tamoxifen pills again.

November 2011:  November marked a full year of having completed chemo.  I celebrated by running the Thunder Road half marathon…and meeting my goal of breaking 1:50:00 by finishing at 1:49:43!!  A time that was good enough to qualify me for a starting corral in the upcoming 2012 Chicago Marathon

December 2011:  Definitely a bittersweet month.  After months of training, I completed my very first marathon.  It felt great to do something I’d thought about for so many years, but was always afraid to commit to…and I’m actually looking forward to me next one!  And in less than happy news, after an incredibly tough year, my sweet friend Keasha lost her battle with lung cancer

January 2012:  I started what was only meant to be a week or two hiatus from running and unfortunately lasted MUCH longer (something I’m hating myself for now as I’m trying to get back into running shape).  I’d been running so much in preparation for my marathon…and really needed a break from it.  My hair was finally long enough to retire my beloved headbands.  Those things were a staple in my hair routine for a solid 5 months.  I finally took the plunge and donated all of my wigs to charity.  Fingers crossed I’ll never need them again!!  January also marked my first ski trip of 2012!  I spent 3 days skiing out in Park City, UT and had an awesome time!!

February 2012:  February was the worst month to date since I started my blog….I only made one measly post.  I can’t think of a single reason why, other than life’s just been busy!  I spent a weekend in the mountains of North Caroline, was in NYC for a bachelorette party, and then spent a week skiing in Crested Butte.  Not a lot of time left to blog when you’re out living life and having fun!!

And if you want to actually see what a year looks like….check out the video montage I made below:

My Hair Journey — One Year of Remission

Phew, recapping all of that makes me realize how fortunate and blessed I really am.  I have so much to be thankful for, and not a day goes by that I don’t remember that.

The weekly photos are going to start coming on a bi-weekly basis from now on.  Much to my dismay, my hair is not growing fast enough to actually see a difference from week to week anymore

Photos from 67 weeks post chemo are below…

A few months ago I talked about wanting to find a place to donate all of my wigs.  Given that I’ve been wig free for 8 months now, I figured it was time to officially cut the cord and give away my beloved wigs. 

It was a rough few first weeks, but I eventually came to love my wigs.  I primarily wore the one on left in the photo above, Upstage by Raquel Welch.  After I had it trimmed a few inches, it was perfect.  It looked incredibly life like, so much so that I used to get compliments on how cute my “hair cut” was all the time.

I bought a second wig, Scene Stealer by Raquel Welch, because I missed my long hair so much.  Little did I know, a long haired wig was nearly impossible to keep tangle free.  The hair turned into a rat’s nest within a few minutes of walking around with it on.  As a result, I’m pretty sure I wore that wig less than 5 times.  As much as I wanted to have long hair again, the thought of having to brush it out every few minutes wasn’t feasible.

And finally, my third wig, which I have no idea who the manufacturer was, was a purchase made out of desperation.  I realized 5 hours into my drive home to Michigan for the holidays last year that I forgot to pack my wig.  I was incredibly self-conscience of all my family seeing me without hair, so not having a wig to wear for the week I was home wasn’t going to work. 

I found a random beauty parlor that sold wigs and purchased the cutest thing I could find.  The hair style of the wig was cute, but the quality of the hair itself was really low.  I felt extremely self-conscience wearing that thing and only ended up wearing it once I think the entire time I was home.  Upon returning to Charlotte, the wig went on its styrofoam head where it sat for the last year.  I unfortunately don’t have any photos wearing that wig, but it’s the one of the right side of the picture at the top.

Upon returning to Charlotte after spending the holidays back in Michigan, I finally got around to packing up all my wigs and wig accessories and made the trek over to the Buddy Kemp Cancer Support Center.  This is an organization in Charlotte that loans wigs and other support services to cancer patients free of charge.  They have a lending boutique which is open to all cancer patients to go to and borrow hats, scarves, wigs, etc.  I spent so much money on my wigs (thank goodness for healthcare flexible spending accounts!!), it was important to me that other’s would be able to use them without having to spend another dime on them.

I’ve had a few people ask how it felt to donate them….and honestly, it was a little scary.  I pray every day that I’ll never find myself in the position again where I would need my wigs, but know that there is always a possibility (regardless of all of my past and present treatments) of my cancer returning.  At times, I feel like maybe I’m tempting fate by getting rid of them so quickly.  While from an outsider perspective it may seem like I stopped wearing a wig a long time ago, it still feels pretty new in my mind.  The only thing that helps bring me peace about the whole situation is that instead of sitting on a shoe rack in my bedroom, my wigs are out there bringing hopefully as much self-confidence and happiness to someone else as they brought to me.

——–

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this in a previous blog or not, more so out of embarrassment and not wanting to draw attention to the situation…..but the puberty-esque acne that’s been wreaking havoc on my face (primarily my chin area) as a result of the tamoxifen finally got to the point where I needed to seek professional help.  I had an appointment with a dermatologist last Monday.

The dermatologist didn’t really tell me anything I don’t already know….when you mess with your hormones, your face is going to suffer….but she was able to prescribe me a few topical gels.

I’ve been using the new gels….religiously….for the last week and a half and (knock on wood) I think they are actually working.  I definitely notice a difference on my face and am cautiously optimistic that I’m finally starting to get the situation under control.  I’d like to thank all of my friends and Andrew for helping me maintain my self esteem the last few months by pretending like they don’t notice it.  I’m a lucky girl and I appreciate the kindness

And because I’ve been such a slacker (I know I sound like a broken record), I actually had another haircut since I wrote about in my last blog……waaaaaaaaay back when almost a month ago :(  I was getting ready for work about two weeks ago and it become abundantly clear to me I was on the verge of having another mullet again.  The back and sides are growing so quickly….and unfortunately the top is continuing to grow at a much slower pace.

So I scheduled an appointment and got, I’m guessing, around 2 ½ – 3 inches cut off the bottom of my hair.  As much as I hate cutting off the hair I’ve been so desperate to grow back, I know it was necessary.  I’m getting closer and closer to a normal hair style as the weeks go by!!  I think the cut is a pretty noticeable difference between to the two side shots below….wouldn’t you agree??

Photos from 62 and 64 weeks post chemo are below…..

My hair had finally grown enough to warrant a second post cancer haircut right before the holidays.  Between the all over puffiness and post chemo frizz, a trim and shapeup was definitely needed.  Some people may wonder what I mean by post chemo frizz, so I’ll explain it to you.

When your hair first starts growing back after chemo, it is incredibly fine and soft…and is very similar in feel to the end of a q-tip or cotton ball.  As the hair continues to grow and fill in, it progressively becomes thicker and resembles normal hair…well as normal as a Ronald MacDonald afro can look.  If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if I permed my hair, I’d be a rich woman.  It’s beyond me why anyone would think that I’d electively make the decision to give myself an 80s style perm.  Seriously people!  Anyways, what you’re left with is about a ½ inch of super fine, super frizzy (and in my case, super blond) hair at the end of each strand…what I like to refer to as post chemo frizz.

My hair stylist talked me into letting him blow dry my hair straight prior to my cut so 1) we could see what it looks like and how long it actually is and 2) he could give me a more accurate cut and shape.  Apparently cutting curly hair can be challenging. 

I was very apprehensive about the whole blow drying idea for several reasons.  The first, because as silly as it may seem, I was concerned that if I blew out and straightened my hair with a flat iron, the curls would never recover and be the same.  I know I complain and crack jokes about my curls on a regular basis, but they at least look cute….ish.  Or so I’m told.  I’m hoping you all haven’t been lying to my face the last 6 months :) 

The second reason really goes hand in hand with the first….I was scared to death to see what my hair actually looked like straight right now.  If it was awful and I lost all my curl because of a premature blow out, I’d never forgive myself.  I‘ve thought about and wandered (A LOT) what exactly my hair would look like if I blew it dry.  I always assumed it would look terrible because of all the different lengths and the top still being pretty short.  I will admit that there was a little glimmer of hope secretly hidden away that when I actually pulled the trigger on straightening out my hair, the end result would be fabulous. 

Well, that couldn’t have been further from the truth.  The end result was every bit as awful as I was anticipating :(  Exhibit A is below.

I can’t believe I’m actually sharing that photo.  It’s so embarrassing and I cringe every time I look at it.  I look like some sort of she-man.  Needless to say, after a few “it doesn’t look that bad comments”, I immediately got in the shower and washed the straightness out.  Fortunately, my curls returned to their previous state without any issues.  Crisis averted.

I’ve always been emotional about my hair and am not afraid to admit that I’ve cried on occasion because of a bad cut.  But this takes the cake and will go down in history as the worst haircut ever!!

Because my hair is getting longer, I’ve officially retired my beloved headbands.  They don’t really work well with the length of my hair.  As much as I miss them (because I thought they were a cute accessory), my ears love me for it.  If you’ve ever worn a headband for an extended period of time, you know what I’m talking about.  While great at keeping your hair out of your face, they tend to dig in your head right behind your ears and cause a dull, aching pain.  Something I’d pretty much grown accustomed to over the last 6 months.  Not having to deal with that anymore has been incredible!!

In lieu of my headbands, I’ve started pinning the front section of my hair over to the side with a bobby pin or decorative barrette….which you’ll see in my recent photos.  I think it still makes my hair look decent, and gets the job done for the time being.  I literally dream about the day when I’ll be able to pull my hair into a pony tail again!

I haven’t kicked off the New Year very well from a blogging perspective.  I’m not exactly sure why that is…but have a sneaking suspicion that it’s because I’m a little angry at 2012 right now.  I was looking forward to a fresh start to the new year full of joy and excitement…and I feel like all I’m surrounded by lately is the hurting and sorrow of others starting with the passing of my friend Keasha and ending most recently with the passing of a 2 year old little girl who’s mother works at our local YMCA.  I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it, cancer is an awful disease and we need to find a cure for it….ASAP.

In doing my own part to make that happen, I signed up to participate in a local charity event this July called 24 Hours of Booty.  If you remember (or don’t), I talked about this event in my blog last year.  24 HOB is a cycling event that raises money for national and local cancer initiatives and takes place on Charlotte’s infamous “booty” loop, a 2.9 mile loop around some of the prettiest streets and homes in town.  I’m sure I’ll be soliciting all of you for a donation over the course of the next 6 months to help me achieve my fundraising goal.  Be prepared!!

And that’s all I really have for today….photos from 61 weeks post chemo are below…..

Tuesday, December 27^th, my friend Keasha lost her battle to lung cancer….one month to the day after her wedding, and not quite a full year after her diagnosis.  New Year’s Eve we all headed to Williamston, SC to say goodbye to our sweet friend

I wrote a few posts ago (here) about how special of an experience her wedding was…. a beautiful day, and so fitting for my beautiful friend.  It was single handedly the greatest display of true love that I’ve ever witnessed…and I feel so honored and thankful that I was able to attend such a touching event.

I’ll never understand why I was given a second chance at life, and Keasha and so many others who’ve lost their battles with cancer were not….because if anyone deserves one, it was Keasha.  She fought her battle courageously and with a positive outlook, while I often retreated to a corner and felt sorry for myself.

I remember talking to Keasha in the beginning stages of her diagnosis and treatment…comparing notes about chemo, radiation, and all of the awful side effects.  Some women bond over pregnancy….Keasha and I bonded over cancer.  It’s still so hard to believe that she’s gone.

Keasha, one of the very first people to email me after my own diagnosis…

“Bills this is Keasha. I’m sure you have been bombarded with messages, but I want you to know that I think you are a wonderful woman and my prayers are sent up for you. I know you will be fine and that right now it’s tough. I don’t want to sound too churchy but God has sent you angels & it’s your friends and family. You need anything from me I am here…even in HOTlanta. I love you girl and stay strong. Your friend Keasha.”

Keasha, who even in her last days, found the strength to text message me after my marathon….

“Congrats on race yesterday.  U r amazing.”

Her funeral was truly a celebration of life.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a very tough day to see someone so young and full of life taken in such a short amount of time….but it was equally as uplifting to see the number of lives that she touched and impacted before her passing.  After hearing all of the kind words, funny stories, and emotional memories that were shared during the service, one thing was evident….Keasha loved life, and lived every day to its fullest.  Said best by her husband….

“Not just an inspiration, but a light, and a force that led the way with a beautiful, sweet smile and bright shining eyes that both belied the pure steel of her strength and determination.

Strong is too pale, too shallow and too small of a word to describe Keasha’s vibrancy… Quite simply, she was ferocious. She fiercely held onto life, and love with a forcefulness that was absolutely awe-inspiring and completely breathtaking. Rest in peace, Mrs. Draft.”

In honor of my friend, I can’t think of a better new year’s resolution for 2012….”love life and live every day to its fullest.”  She is, and will always be, a reminder of how precious life truly is.

RIP KRD

Photos from 57 weeks post chemo are below…

And now photos from 59 weeks post chemo…

This past weekend was my big trip to Kiawah, SC for the Kiawah Island Golf Resort Marathon.  I’d never been to Kiawah before and, like I’ve been talking about for the past few months, I’ve never run a marathon before….so I was pretty excited about the weekend!

Despite the race not being until Saturday morning, we headed down to Kiawah on Thursday to have plenty of time to get sufficiently nervous relax before the big day.  We had a nice dinner, took our time picking up our race bibs, and even spent a little time reading on the beach. 

I joke about it, but I really couldn’t believe how nervous I was for the marathon.  I’ve been in a lot of competitive situations before…not that I’m claiming to be a competitive runner, but a race IS a competition…and I’m pretty sure this was by far the most nervous I’d been in a really long time.  Well….it’s probably an incredibly close tie with my hall of fame speech…I hate public speaking!

Even with the nerves, I managed to get a good night’s sleep on Friday and woke up feeling really refreshed Saturday morning.  I took a quick shower, managed to get my hair looking presentable, and put on a little make-up.  A lot of people may question why I’d go through the effort of “getting ready” to only go and sweat it off a few hours later…but it made me feel good.  And like I said in last week’s blog, who knows if I’ll ever do a second marathon, so I want to make sure the photos from the first look good!

I arrived at the start line…feeling and looking good….about 30 minutes before the race started.  Plenty of time for my stomach to continue to turn into knots.  I placed myself at the very end of the 7 minute per mile pace group / very beginning of the 8 minute per mile pace group.  I made the mistake at my half marathon of starting in a pace group that was well beyond my capabilities and went out way too fast.  As a result, I hit the proverbial wall at mile 10 and almost self imploded.  I was very cautious not to do that in my marathon…toughing it out for another 3.1 miles is doable, toughing it out for another 16.2 miles is a different story.

With that in mind, my goal was to stay right around an 8-8:15 minute pace for as many miles as possible, no quicker.  For fear of my ipod not lasting the entire race, I didn’t start it up until the national anthem started to play.  Hindsight, I should have done this much sooner…10 minutes is not going to make or break the battery life.  My ipod immediately goes into shuffle mode, and I can’t figure out how to get my marathon play list.

Side note, I spent multiple hours on Wednesday evening creating the mother of all play lists.  Every song I have ever loved, new and old, was included.  I had 4.8 hours of quality listening entertainment lined up to help get me through which was sure to be a tough final 2 hours.

As luck and poor planning would have it, my awesome playlist never saw the light of day :(  The gun went off as I’m still fiddling with my ipod.  The pack starts running.  Approximately 100 yards into the race, I drop my ipod.  HUGE mistake in a pack of runners who’ve just taken off the start line.  For a brief second I contemplated just leaving it, but the thought of not having music for the next 4 hours was terrifying.  Music is the only thing that gets me through my challenging runs….and 26.2 miles was definitely going to be a challenged.  I had to back track 10 feet to bend down and pick it up.  Between dodging runners and various “watch out” comments, I felt like a fish swimming upstream.  Not the ideal way to start a race, but I was off and running…

Mile 1:  despite the ipod snafu, I felt good.  I spent a lot of time dodging and maneuvering around other runners, but it forced me to keep my pace.

Miles 2 – 7:  still feeling good.  Continuing on at my pace and on target to break 4 hours.

Mile 8:  I stop and walk for the first time through the water station in order to take my gu.

Mile 9:  completely forgettable.  I can’t remember one single thing about mile 9…guess I was in the zone.

Mile 10:  my left hip starts to hurt.  Not a big deal though, I was definitely prepared for this.  My hips hurt during pretty much every one of my long runs.  I was just thankful it didn’t start hurting until now.

Miles 11 &12:  my legs are starting to get a little tired, but I’m feeling okay still.  The Kiawah marathon is also a half marathon race.  The course is a 13.1 loop, so if you’re doing the full marathon, you do the same loop twice.  It was at about this point where I really started noticing the 23, 24, and 25 mile marker signs as I was passing them.  Very discouraging from a mental standpoint.  It’s hard to put into words the feeling of running by the 25 mile marker sign, and knowing you still have another 13 miles before you’ll see it again, when you’re actually at mile 25.

Mile 13:  I turn right to start my second 13 mile loop and secretly curse all the half marathon runners who are turning left to run the last .1 mile to the finish line.

Mile 14:  I stop and walk for the second time through the water station to take another gu.

Mile 15:  My stomach starts to get a little queasy…I think from too much sugar.  Gu’s are full of sugar and can be tough on an essentially empty stomach.

Mile 16:  My hips are really hurting now and I’m fighting off that watery sensation under your tongue when you’re going to get sick.

Mile 17:  My body is really starting to hurt now….which coincidentally takes my mind off of my upset stomach.

Mile 18:  I’m pretty much miserable at this point.  I start walking .05 – .1 miles at the top of each mile marker sign.

Mile 19:  after 19 consecutive miles of skipping through songs on my ipod, I’m still cursing myself for not knowing how to access my play list.

Mile 20:  despite the pain in my legs and hips, I hit mile 20 right around 3 hours and I’m still on track to break 4 hours.

Mile 21:  I thought I was miserable at mile 18, I’m truly miserable now.  The thought of running 5 more miles is more then I can take and I’m feeling incredibly sorry for myself.   I think I shed a tear or two.

Mile 22:  Why did I think this was a good idea again??  I crack a joke to that tune to a fellow runner as he passes me….he laughs, which makes me feel a little better.  Still on track for 4 hours.

Mile 23:  And there goes my 4 hour goal.   I literally feel like I can’t run another step, let alone 3 miles.  I walked a good portion of mile 23 because well I felt like hell.  My hips were killing.  My hamstrings were so tight I felt like they were going to snap.  I was incredibly thirsty and had to fight off the urge to slam 4 glasses water as I walked through the aide station.  At this point, all I want to do is finish.

Mile 24:  because my “good idea” joke went over so well the first time, I try it again on a second runner.  Not as funny the second time around.

Mile 25:  the end is finally in sight.  I took my last gu about 2 miles before, and it started to kick in.  I get my last burst of energy…not enough to make up the time I lost in miles 23 and 24, but enough to feel like finishing the race is actually going to happen.

Mile 26:  I can’t begin to describe how I felt when I saw the 26 mile marker sign.  I was finally making the turn that so many runners before me had made to head towards the finish line.  Best feeling in the world doesn’t even come close to capturing it.

At that point, I literally had to left turns to make until I was done.  The last .2 miles were fortunately lined with spectators cheering you on to the finish.  I think I had a little kick at the end…or at least did my best to try to not look too pathetic running past all of the spectators and far superior runners who finished before me.

Somehow…I still can’t believe it now…but somehow I managed to finish.  I didn’t achieve my goal of breaking 4 hours, but I did come pretty close.  I finished at 4:05:39.  23^rd of 52 women in my age group, and 363^rd of 814 marathon runners overall.  Not too shabby for a first-timer who just a year ago was fighting cancer, 20 pounds overweight, completely out of shape, and couldn’t run a mile to save her life.

Running a marathon was something I’ve talked about wanting to do for the longest time.  It was one of those hypothetical goals that always sounded like a good idea, but I lacked the commitment and drive to actually make it happen.  But not anymore baby!!  I’m officially a marathon runner and can proudly display the coveted 26.2 mile sticker on my car!!

I was very sore the first hour after the race…my shoulders, my feet, my legs, my knees, my hips, my entire body essentially….but I was able to walk without too much of an issue, which wasn’t the case for some of my fellow runners. 

We went back to the condo and relaxed for a few hours after the race…before the post race celebration dinner began.  By the time the dinner rolled around, I was feeling pretty decent…much better than I was anticipating.  So good in fact that I was able to wear heels out that night, contrary to popular belief that they’d be out of the question

After a fun night of celebrating with a few cocktails, we packing up Sunday morning and headed back to Charlotte.  The whole experience is one I will never forget.  Thank you so much to all of my friends and family for the constant encouragement during my training the last 4 months.  Thank you to all of the volunteers on the race course who cheered me on when I can only imagine how pathetic I looked at times.  Thank you to Andrew’s family for being there to cheer me on during the race and help me cross the finish line.  And thank you to Andrew, the best running “coach” a girl could ask for.  Having your support and positive reinforcement throughout the entire race…and really training process…helped more then you’ll ever know!

Here are a few photos from the race…

A lot of people have asked if I’ll do another marathon….and the answer to that is absolutely.  The experience was so much fun…and something that the majority of people won’t ever get to do.  AND I still need to break my 4 hour goal.  I’ve felt so good that I’ve already started running again.  Nothing too extreme…short distances at a fairly slow pace…just to get my legs moving again.  I’m not 100% sure what’s next, but I’m thinking it maybe the Nashville Country Music Marathon on 4/28/12!

The only other thing really worth mentioning is that I had my semi-annual mammogram on Monday.  I’m happy to report that I once again got a clean bill of health, and everything looks like it should.

And I’ll end on that….photos from 56 weeks post chemo are below…

There are certain events in life that have a way of smacking you across the face to make you realize how fortunate you truly are.  I had one of these events two Sundays ago at a friend’s wedding.  My friend is fighting her own cancer battle and has an incredibly tough road ahead of her…much tougher then I was ever forced to fight. 

I’m not going to go into detail about her story because 1) I don’t know all of the details of her diagnosis and don’t want to present false information and 2) it’s her story to tell…not mine.  Believe it or not, not everyone is willing to share the details of the cancer journey….some people find it to be a private thing that they battle on their own…and there’s nothing wrong with that.  I attribute my “open book” mentality to coming from a long line of outgoing women in my family.

I was incredibly humbled by my friend’s courage at her wedding.  If the tables had been turned, I’m not so sure I could have put myself out there in front of so many people in such a vulnerable state.  I was terribly self-conscience during chemo….to see her proudly get the down the aisle, pose for picture, even manage to get a dance in with her new husband made me realize that when it comes to the awful world of cancer, I’m one of the lucky ones.

Lucky because my cancer was caught early.  Lucky because the treatment plan my doctors put together achieved what they set out for it to do.  Lucky because just a year later, I’m in better health and shape then I was before I was ever diagnosed.  Plainly said, cancer gave me an easy hand to deal with. 

Seeing my friend and knowing the battle she is fighting, I couldn’t help but feel a little angry for her.  Life isn’t fair and cancer certainly isn’t a fair disease.  It picks and chooses its’ victims based on what seems like no real rhyme or reason.  Leaving her wedding, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.  Lord knows I haven’t always maintained the best attitude throughout the last year and a half and have felt sorry for myself on one too many occasions.  Here was a woman who’s in far worse condition then I ever was and still managed to maintain such a positive outlook on life. 

All she asks of anyone is very simple….pray for her.  Pray for her too continue to have the strength and courage to push through her struggles.  So I ask all of you….please pray for my friend.  Every little bit helps.

It’s hard to believe, but my marathon is only 4 days away!  My running has been so light the last two weeks, I worry my endurance won’t be there come Saturday.  I’ve been reassured that that will not be the case though.  I’ve been training for 4 months now…my body should be ready.  We’ll find out soon enough I guess! 

Going into the race, a lot of people have asked how I’m feeling and if I think I’m ready.  It’s a tough question to answer.  I’ve never ran a marathon….so it’s hard to say if I think I’m ready.  There’s definitely a lot going on in my mind….and I’ve been saying some selfish prayers of my own.

Praying my body doesn’t fail me.  My last 20 mile run was completely miserable.  My body just didn’t want to cooperate with me, and it took everything I had to finish those 20 miles.  How in the world can I add another 6 miles on top of that?!  Definitely wasn’t a good way to end my last long run.

Praying that the pain I’ve been having in my hips and IT bands the last few weeks doesn’t set in until I’m at least in the double digit miles.

Praying that I don’t mentally “take myself out of the race”.  I’ve been told by multiple people that the last 6 – 8 miles of the race are all mental….and I don’t want my own sometimes crazy thoughts to be the reason this weekend doesn’t go well.

Praying that my one remaining chemo afflicted toe nail hanging on by a hair doesn’t fall off.  I haven’t had a pedicure in months…for fear of my feet getting too soft and getting blisters…and plan to treat myself to one very shortly after the marathon.  I’d really like to have all 10 toe nails still intact to get painted.

Praying that my hair doesn’t look like a hot mess when I cross the finish line.  Who knows if I’ll ever run another marathon.  If this ends up being the only marathon I ever do, I’d hate for all the photos to be ruined by an out-of-control-wind-blown-afro.

Praying that the playlist I put together is kick-ass enough to get me through…it may sound silly, but my music is very motivational to me when I run.

Ok, the last two things are kind of silly…but they’re still on my mind.  And I like to try to through a little humor into every post!

All that stands between me and the race now is a 3 mile run tomorrow, a 4 hour car drive on Thursday, and a 2 mile run on Friday.  Hopefully you’ll be hearing from me in another week

Photos from 55 weeks post chemo are below…

Big news since I last posted….which I’m embarrassed to admit has been way too long. AGAIN. I’ve really been slacking in keeping up with the weekly blogs. The last few weeks have been really busy…which you’ll hear about some of the “busy-ness” below…but November has just been a lazy month of writing for me

Back to the big news…Friday, 11/11/11, marked my one year anniversary from finishing chemo!! It’s so strange to hear those words come out of my mouth. I can’t believe how quickly a year flew by…crazy how that happens when you get back to living a life that doesn’t revolve around cancer. Needless to say, I feel incredibly grateful to be able to say it’s been one year already! I wrote a ridiculously long blog back at the 6 month mark on chemo FAQs if you want to check that out here…warning, it’s wordy.

The past year has been such a whirlwind for me. I look a whole lot different on the outside. Well not really a whole lot, primarily just from the neck up. And more importantly, I’ve changed a lot as a person. I don’t sweat the small stuff as much as I used to. I don’t worry as much about what other people think of me. I don’t waste as much time trying to make other people happy, while sacrificing my own happiness. Steve Jobs said it best, “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life”.

So much in my life has changed, and I feel more and more blessed every day for having such a great support system surrounding me. I like to go back from time to time and read the blogs I posted from earlier this year….I don’t like to brag, but I’ve come a long way baby!!

What does one do to celebrate a full year chemo free? They run a ½ marathon!! Or at least I did. A year ago I could barely run a ½ mile, so being able to run 13 now feels great. My goal for the race was to finish under 1:50:00, so I was very happy squeaking in right under that at 1:49:43. It helped having people there to cheer me on. Thank you Andrew, Amanda, and Ryan for being there are the finish line to cheer me on, and for all the messages of encouragement I received before the race.

And to toot my own horn a little, I cut off over 11 minutes from my ½ marathon time 2 years ago, and over 24 minutes from my first ½ marathon back in 2004. I’m like a fine wine….I keep getting better with age!!

Races in Charlotte are challenging because of the hilly nature of the courses….anyone who lives here knows what I’m talking about. I run outside 99% of the time, so I am accustomed to the hills to some extent, but to hit EVERY hill in Charlotte on one run was pretty brutal. Not to mention I started out a pace that was about a full minute faster then I typically run.

Call me crazy, but I really wanted to see the race clock in the 1:40’s when I crossed the finish line, not just my chip time. Because I’d been sick the 2 weeks leading up to the race, and only ran once the week of, I knew I would be cutting it close to make my goal. So instead of starting a little bit further back with the people who run an 8-8:30 minute pace…like I do…I placed myself with the people running at a 7-7:30 minute pace. Big mistake.

The race started, and I’m trying to keep up with runners who are far superior to me. I was fine through the first 6 miles, then tanked at mile 7 when it was all uphill for what felt like another 6 miles, but in reality was probably only a mile. I was significantly slower during the second half of the race then I was during the first, but fortunately was able to meet my goal.

Biggest lesson learned…..run my own race. Anyone that knows me knows that I am what you could call competitive. Doesn’t matter what the situation may be….I really like to win :) I’m no spring chicken, nor do I think I’m in supreme physical shape, but to continuously be passed by runners who were 1) older or 2) more out of shape then me was frustrating to say the least. Each time that would happen, I’d speed up a little…and ultimately caused myself to hit the figurative “wall” much too soon during the run. Thank goodness it wasn’t my full marathon, because I don’t know if I would have had it in me to finish!

SO, heading into my marathon….less then 2 weeks away now!!….my primary focus is keeping my own pace. Not everyone else’s around me. I have a goal for my marathon…well actually I have 2 goals. One that I think is realistic and one that is really a hell-has-frozen-over-if-I-actually-hit-it goal. I’ll share the goals with you all after my race is over.

The second contributing factor into my writing laziness is that my kitchen remodel finally finished about two weeks ago!! And granted this shouldn’t impact my time to write, but it does when half your house was still in boxes because you couldn’t put away your belongings. I spent any free time I would normally have to put a blog together, working tirelessly at putting my house together. That may be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point. Before and after photos are below….I’m VERY happy with the finished product!!

And finally, I place a little blame on the Thanksgiving holiday and the subsequent tryptophan induced haze that hung over me like a cloud for a few days thanks to eating too much on Thursday, and continuing to eat leftovers the days following. I did manage to squeeze in my training runs. Thursday morning…along with 8000 other people who wanted to justify the exorbitant amount of calories they were going to consume in a matter of hours…I ran in the Charlotte Turkey Trot 8K. This was my first time doing the race, and it was a lot of fun! My goal was to finish under 40 minutes…and (again, not to brag) but I blew that away and finished in 37:38…15th of 386 in my age group!

Now my entire focus is directed at my marathon, 12 short days away! I’ve officially started my “taper”. Anyone who’s ever trained for a race can relate, life is good. Gone are the days of 20 mile runs on Saturday morning….at least until race day. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…training for a marathon is a completely different way of life.

Your social life takes a serious hit. Well, I didn’t really go out much before, so mine hasn’t really been impacted all that much. But it could be an issue for some people. Friday’s night are spent on the couch, typically crawling into bed by 10pm because you know the alarm clock will be off in a few short hours. Every time you consider having a drink, you find yourself questioning if it’s really worth it. You know the impact one drink will have on your ability to feel good running vs. feeling like a pile of you know what the next morning. And gone are the days of sleeping in! I did all my training in the mornings, even my weekend runs, so I’m reeeeally looking forward to having the option to roll over and shut the alarm clock off without feeling guilty if I so choose.

I have 7 more training runs, the longest of which is 8 miles….piece of cake! Looking forward to hopefully a great race on the 10th!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I was in such a sorry state at this time last year, it was hard for me to see through the haze of self-pity I’d created for myself to truly appreciate and be thankful everything. I have a great family who would do anything for me, including weeding my overgrown yard. I have amazing friends who support me through all of life’s challenges. And most importantly, I have my health.

Because I’ve been suck a slacker, I have 3 weeks of photos to post…..even in my laziest of times, I still do manage to take photos   Photos from 52 weeks post chemo are below….

Photos from 53 weeks post chemo….

And finally…photos from 54 weeks post chemo….

Almost two full weeks have gone by since my last post (whoops!)….so I thought I’d sneak a really quick one in before the weekend.

I haven’t made a big deal of it…more so for my own good then not wanting to share….but I started taking my tamoxifen pills again.  I think part of me believed that if I started taking the pills without really telling anyone or making a big deal of it, I may not notice any of the side effects that I had such terrible issues with a few months back.  Because there is an odd number of days in the week and I’m a notorious over-achiever ( :) ), I’m taking a pill every Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I figured this was the type of situation where “rounding up” was the better choice.

Good news is that I don’t think I’m really seeing any side effects yet.  I’ve been really hot when I sleep lately, but I think that has more to do with all of the running that I’ve been doing in preparation for my marathon then a change in my hormones because of the pills.  Bad news is that because my dosage was cut in half and I only take a pill every other day, I probably haven’t gotten enough of the drug in my system to really see any side effects yet.

We’ll see how the next few months progress.  At the very least, I have the weather on my side.  It’s winter and definitely chillier out then it was a few months back when I tried my first go around on Tamoxifen.  I’m hopeful that over the course of the winter, my body will have the necessary time to adjust to and regulate itself to the lower hormone levels…and by the time summer hits again hot flashes will be a thing of the past.  Lofty goal yes, but a girl can dream right?!

I have the first of my two big races this winter on Saturday…..the Thunder Road ½ Marathon.  If you would have asked me about the race last weekend, I would have told you I was ready for and really looking forward to the race.  Last Saturday I had a really good 20 mile run.  I felt SO MUCH BETTER than my first 20 mile run 3 weeks ago, and had a great 13 mile marker time.

Flash forward to today, 2 days before my race, and I’m dreading it!!  I came down with a nasty cold on Sunday and have been fighting it all week, which means my running this week has been essentially non-existent :(  I’m still not feeling 100%….coughing, sneezing, running nose…but am hopeful my body is going to make great strides in the next 36 hours towards full recovery.

I’m a little disappointed because with all the training I’ve been doing in the last 3 months, I was feeling really strong and confident that I’d meet my goal of finishing under 1:49:59.  Now, I think I’ll just settle for finishing the darn race!  Thankfully this happened the week leading up to my ½ marathon and not my full….because I would be one very unhappy person if that were the case!!

Wish me luck on Saturday (because I’m definitely going to need it)….and please say a prayer that all the nasty germs I’ve been housing the last 5 days finally find a new home

Photos from 51 weeks post chemo are below….